Once upon a time, a boy named Frederick lived in his drab home with his grandmother. His life was boring, so boring that it would make a koala die of boredom. Every day, he would wake up in his drab bed, put on his drab, cold clothes, walk down his four-step staircase, and greet his grandmother who was always cooking green eggs and ham. Since Frederick and his grandmother lived in pigdogcatville, they often spoke in the colloquial language of the pigdogcattians. After eating his drab breakfast, Frederick would go to school and come back after one hour of interesting linguistics and the study of vernacular. After coming back from school, Frederick, who was known as “Sir drab” or “Drabenstein” at school, would tell his grandmother about his day. Now this was Frederick’s normal routine and it would have been his routine for all of his life if it had not been for that special day. This day was unlike no other…for one in his life; Frederick actually learned something at school!
His teacher was sick so his school had called in for a substitute teacher. Usually when substitutes came in to a class in Pigdogcatville Primary School, the kids would take it as a free day and play hooky from school. While playing hooky, they would study nonverbal communication or watch movies about gesticulation. But this substitute was not like the other substitutes; she was strict and actually taught stuff! For the first time, Frederick would have a teacher who was actually semi-smart! At school that day, Frederick learned all types of stuff like connotation and denotation! He raced home to tell his grandmother so he could show her what he had learned. When he got home, he found a note that read:
I am sick and tired of this drab life. I have gone to a far away prestigious college to study pejorative and vulgate language for the rest of my life.
P.S. I paused the DVD I was watching before I left; do you think you could take it out of the DVD player and put in back in its box, we wouldn’t want it to get scratched.
P.P.S I left you a moldy sandwich and a coupon for Safeway.
P.P.P.S. The coupon for Safeway expired last year.
Frederick was very sad. He wished his grandma would have taken him so that he could study juxtaposition, inflection, and the art of using stress on words. Frederick bought a massage chair and sat there for the rest of his life thinking that it would assuage his pain. Too bad he forgot to plug it in.
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