What’s the first thing you think of when you see a smoker?

They reek. Their skin is greasy and dirty. They must be addicted. Don’t they have any sense? They’re inconsiderate. Do they really have all that extra money to kill themselves? They start fires. They’re arrogant. They’re airheads. And on and on.

Let’s look at the types of smokers and see if we can understand why they’re turned on by bad breath and green fingertips…here, put on these new smoke-resistant shades to protect your eyes. First in line is Suzanna Security.

[Enter Suzanna Security]

Miss Security, could you please tell us why you smoke?

“Oh sure. Cigarettes make me feel more secure, just as my name indicates. See how the smoke wraps its clouds around me? It fills my space. I’m never alone when I’m smoking. Oh, and another thing, I love how I’m always busy. That’s it–cigarettes give me something to do. I never thought of that one — I love — (coughs) cigarettes. Is there anything else you want to know?”

Thank you, Suzanna. Send in Al.

[Enter Al]

“Howdy all you daredevil smoker fans. What can ah do fer ya?”

Al, could you please tell the audience a little bit about yourself, and why you smoke cigarettes?”

“Al, Attention Lover Al, yah, that’s me all right. Ah love ta “draw” attention–can’t stand to be without it. Every cowboy needs a vice, (laughs ahahahaha) wouldn’t you say so, podner? Hah! (Lights up a cigar) You see, it’s lock this. A big man lock me locks ta be noticed for his, uh, well, for his macho-ness, wouldn’t you say so? How “bout all you cowboys out there, know what ah mean? (Takes a puff) Purdy girls, [Enter pretty girls] maskuuulinity, saex appeal, oh hell…it”s all right here in the way ah hold mah ceegar. Don’t it look lock ahm just about the biggest man around town? Looks konda sexy, wouldn’t you say so?”

Thanks, Al. Send in Nelma.

“Nervous Nelma? Now whatcha all gonna do with that pretty little thing? Oh hell, I’ll go and lasso her.

(Puffs) I just love mah ceegar. Don’t go away, she’ll be raht here, ladies and genteel-men!”

[Enter Nervous Nelma]

Nelma, tell the audience about yourself, and why you smoke.”

“Hi, everybody. [Waves] How old do you think I am? That’s right. I’m 19, but I don’t look a day over 29, do I? Yes, I smoke–where’d I put my cigarette–the last one I had–I thought I put it–on the counter while I cooked some peas–no–in the bathroom. Well, wherever it is, I’m sure it’s out by now. (Laughs) That was over an hour ago. Excuse me. (Lights up another cigarette) Now, where was I? (Puffs) There. I think I’m relaxing now. These sure help. What was it you wanted to know?”

Next.

[Enter Boy Bert]

Hi, Bert. Could you please tell the audience why you smoke cigarettes?

“Fix-I-Shuns. Aural fix-i-shuns. Substeetutes the bybee bohttle, you knoah. Oh God, I just love the suck-shun on one of these things. Know what aye mean? I’m just the sote of guy that nides ta have something in moy mouth atoll toimes, know what aye mean?”

I think I do, and that’s all we have today from SMOKERS RESEARCH INSTITUTE. Thank you all for dropping by…..I hope you learned something about the types of smokers, and the reasons why we smoke. You can turn in the glasses at the desk on your way out.