Gadgets shops are possibly the most pointless shops ever to be created. They attempt to give you things of some use, but sadly this attempt is buried under millions of shitty products that are there to amuse you, when in reality you’re slowly wasting away your life. Gadget shops are the shop equivalent of the Internet. However as usual, I found myself wandering up and down looking for something I could buy, generally because my friends decided they wanted to cave in to the shitty pick ‘n’ mix set up outside, and I didn’t wish to waste good money on chocolaty goods I could purchase for less only a few feet away. So as they loaded up bags with extra-heavy sugary products, I was sat looking at £300 Lightsabers, and wind-up Grannies that raced. This is why I shop online now. But as I browsed the content of the shelves, my eyes fell upon something truly amazing. On the top shelf, with a large “DISCOUNT” sticker on it’s side, was a “Solar Air Ship”. At first I was cautious to this; because upon giving it a careful look, I saw the price was a mere £7, and this was apparently an 8ft Air Ship that could lift a man 50 meters into the air. But to be honest, I didn’t care. Something took hold of me, I mean come on, you’re stood in a shop full of advanced technology to please the easily pleased, and you’re holding a mother fucking AIR SHIP. I threw away all logic, and moved swiftly to the counter, gripping the tub tight in case anyone dared to take it from me. I’m serious, if anyone had even looked at the tub at that moment, I would have raped their eye sockets. Whilst still gripping the tub obviously.

On the ride home, I didn’t tell anyone what I had purchased, I wouldn’t even let them take a peek. It’s not that I was being childish and didn’t wish to share, or was embarassed I bought it, christ fuck why the hell would I be embarassed? They had out of date sweets and shit clothing, and I, I had the Air Ship. I decided I’d keep it a secret until tomorrow, when they’d all be free, so we could all take it down to the field and let it loose. The guy on the front looked about 30, so I didn’t feel childish or anything, and the age restriction was a 14+, and as we all know, the bigger the age rating, the more fun it’ll be. One thing worried me slightly though: the cautions warned not to fly near trees, buildings, or go above the height of 50 meters. This meant it could go well above 50 if it wanted to, and what would stop it going too high? A bit of string your friends would have to hold onto. I had a bad feeling I would meet my (bad-ass) death if I attempted to fly this thing, but I didn’t care, I would become king of the sky, in my giant smooth 8 meter-long black air ship.

Saturday rolled round. And I called everyone up, and they met me at the field within minutes. I knew they’d be a little excited, but they were like 5 year olds about this whole operation. Adam kept insisting he could hold it, Tom wanted to be in charge of the string, and so did Harry. They looked like they could have broken out in some form of bitch fight if I hadn’t quickly told them they’d both have to hold it for safety reasons. There was no actual rule two people had to hold it, it’s just Tom was rumored to have recently caught crabs, so he’d be scratching his balls alot, and Harry was a general tard who has about as much strength as an elderly rape victim. By combining the two of them, I had less chance of floating away.

We eventually reached our “Launch Zone”, which took longer than expected as Harry had attempted to smack a small child who’d tried to take the tub from us. He’d obviously been egged on by his brat little friends, but he soon regretted it when Harry just missed his face with a swift back-hander, as he yelled “stay the fuck back or I’ll kick your balls so fucking hard you’ll have to wait til 30 until they drop!” We laughed, he ran. So did Harry for that matter, but we held him back.

Now, was the great release of the Air Ship. From the word “Solar” we assumed it would probably have solar panels or something, so we stood well back to avoid being hit in the face as it began to inflate, but as it flopped out of the tub like a used condom out of a fat prostitute (lovely image isn’t it?), we became truly disappointed. Basically, it was a large 8 meter black bin bag. There was an instruction book, some cable tiers, and the string and handle of a kite, nothing else. This upset us, mostly me, as I wasn’t aware I’d have to build my aircraft, that was a job for the young children of China, I was in the rich West, I’m supposed to fly about on their inventions as they sit making more and more for me. But we were determined to fly, so I snatched up the instruction book and flicked through it. It was a yeast infection in paper-form. It spent the first page talking bullshit about the history of hot air balloons, before finally getting to the instructions, which made no sense at all. “Cup the open end like a bunch of flowers”. Why not “Tie the string around the end like over an infant’s neck” while you’re at it? Seriously, this thing was a fucking let down.

We got it made finally, but it didn’t fly. It flew around, and floated for a second. Nothing else. What’s worse? the plastic was flimsy, so it ripped alot, so we had a giant floating ripped piece of shit in front of is. And I had paid for it.

We were totally crushed, and generally a little pissed off. We came close to packing it up, when lo and behold, the clouds parted, and the full sun began to shine down on the ground. We watched in amazement, as the last bit of sunlight hit the air ship, and now it was actually beginning to rise properly. I lept forward and grabbed the bottom (which was the same shitty plastic that ripped so easily, I didn’t realise this fact until I was too far up to jump) and I began to rise up with it, Harry and Tom ran for the string and held on tight. At last, I and my shitty giant-sized condom had taken to the skies, my friends staring up at me cheering. I felt the urge to shit on them, but there were children in the park. I would have still done a shit with them there, but their parents were there too, and one was rather a nice looking young lady. I hope she creamed as she saw me rising into the sky.

I floated around for some time, then suddenly I began to rise more. I was pretty high up as it was, so I was getting worried now. I looked down, and to my horror, I saw the string flying off in a gust of wind. Harry was chasing it, Tom was half chasing, half scratching his bollocks. Adam was running for the gate. Dick. I was worried now, I was also screaming quite a few colourful words at my friends, which probably upset the MILF, but I really couldn’t give a flying fuck. No “flying” puns intended.

What was I to do? Well there was only one thing I could think of. I reached up and tore a large hole in the Air Ship. I prayed my plan would work, and sure enough I began to float slowly down as the air began to leave it. My quick-thinking had saved my life, and I was now preparing a good kick to hit Tom in his face as I came closer. But then, disaster struck. A large gust of wind hit the S.S. Shit-bag. Now as a kid did you ever drop a toy army man with a parachute out of a window? Well if you have, you’ll notice how wind sends the little man spiraling and swinging violently-that little army man was me. I was catapulted off the air ship, and was now actually flying, screaming “piss” as I went. I wasn’t that far from the ground, so I wouldn’t be that badly hurt…but sadly, I may have broken one of the rules of the instruction book. I landed in a tree top, hitting it pretty hard, then began falling branch by branch to the floor, If you’ve ever fallen out of a tree, you’ll know what a bitch it is. I was okay, but still a bit shakey from almost falling to my death, and as I looked up I saw my Air Ship become entangled in the trees. There went my chance of a re-fund.

So a word to the wise-NEVER buy an air ship. They’re shit. I’ll include a link for you aswell, just to prove these pieces of flying shit do exist. Don’t be fooled by the photo, it’s a piece of shit. I’m honestly suprised they allow these to be sold, especially with the “Science Museum” logo on them. The Science Museum for Special Needs?

http://www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/2705901/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CGifts%7C12108002.htm