Origins

Researchers in the Midwest had studied unsuccessfully for years the phenomena of grotesquely large footprints left in the Minnesota tundra by some creature they had yet been unable to catch a glimpse of or photograph.  Originally thought to be a Sasquatch, or Bigfoot by many, due to the nearness of the Canadian border.  Scientists decided it was something different entirely and dubbed the yet unseen creature as Stephenus J. Ardentus, meaning gatherer of burnt meat, because of the number of sightings around grilling and barbecue areas.  The “J” stands for Jarlsberg, which we will get to in a moment.

Capture

Stephen J. Ardent was captured when it discovered this creature had a penchant for cheese, Jarlsberg in particular, and that the trails they had discovered leading from Minnesota to Wisconsin had actually been created by this creature in it’s never-ending quest for cheese.

The entire episode barely made a footnote in the news and scientists contented themselves for many years performing experiments on the creature. Unfortunately with the economy being what it is the scientists had to wrap up their research and rather than releasing the creature back into the wild. They sold it.

The Evil Triond Corporation

No one knows what vile experiments the company performed on this hapless creature, but imbued with not fully understood metaphysical powers the Triond Corp released the monster on the unsuspecting world.

The Great Silence and Mahnamahna

The Enraged Writers of the World, “EWW” for short, were aghast that the Triond Corp would do such thing. Godzilla?  Sure. The Praying Mantis? Ok. Sharktopus? No sweat.

But not Stephen J. Ardent!

Suddenly, one of the writers screamed “He’s as bad as Bush!”, and promptly fell over dead.

The outrage continued as the creature started using it’s mind-bending superpowers to throw the members of EWW into metaphysically induced fits. For some it manifested as outbursts of Tourette’s, for others it induced a crisis of questioning self-worth and the nature of the universe, while for yet others it meant turning on ones friends and family with claw, tooth, and nail in a frenzy of paranoid accusations and back-biting.

But then first one, then another were gripped by seizures and screamed strange utterances, caught in the grip of horrific apocalyptic visions. Several were nominated for melodrama queen of the year.

Stephen J. Ardent was going to destroy the world!  The world was ending, perhaps even the universe, maybe even time itself would not survive the events to come.  The one thing they all agreed on was that there was a Great Silence coming unless someone could stop it.

But what could they do? Were people being silenced? Were people’s tongues disappearing inside their mouths inside their own homes? Would there be no Christmas Carols sung this holiday season?

What is the strange “Mod-E” power that the evil Triond Corp has built into this monster? What is the Mod-E-Ration?  Does this mean the monster has a weakness? Triond Corp is remaining silent.

Then one by one they fell into a zombie-like state chanting – ah-mah-nahm-ah-mahna…, below is a newscast of the strange phenomenon. If you value your children, send them to another room before viewing it.

Terrible isn’t it?  What strange force has gripped writers around the world? Can no one stop it?

Oh…the humanity! Will the people of the world see another sunrise?

Stay tuned to this channel!