Super Hot Mustard

I Bought a pound of yellow mustard powder thinking I would mix my own and save big money. After all it only cost $6.95 and it is organic. Experts say mustard is the perfect condiment because it is completely fat free and very nutritious. .I mixed three parts mustard powder with three parts white vinegar and added one part Allspice and tasted. It almost burned my tongue. Besides that, the Allspice turned it from yellow to mud colored, so I added more mustard powder and some onion powder. It remained very hot so I poured in water and dry milk to thin the heat and fix the color. I also wanted to thicken it back up, too. It was still way too hot and did not taste like mustard any more.. And it still was dark instead of yellow. So I put it in the refrigerator. I sure wasn’t going to eat any of it unless I could think up some more doctoring. I checked it later and it had turned hard. So hard that I had to use a chisel to save the bowl.

Later a friend came in and said, “What the h*ll stinks?”

“What does it smell like?” I asked.

“Like cat sh*t!”

I twitched my whiskers and turned on all the ventilators and fans in the house. I thought just my nose had been rendered unconscious by my original mustard concoction but I found out differently. My guest brought some meat she wanted to cook for us because the expiration date on it would soon be past and she did not want to throw it out. After we were done eating I said, “That was delicious chicken!” By the look on her face I might have said, “Elvis was just spotted applying for a job at the corner Pizza Hut..” My taste buds had been knocked out too. She said, “That was pork chops.”