On my 18th birthday, 14 years ago I met a man who would become my very first boyfriend. It was the first time anyone of the opposite sex had noticed me, guys always noticed my best-friend and my girlfriends just seemed so magnetic towards guys. But not me, I was popular within our group of friends, but that’s all I was “popular”, I was never someone that a guy would want as a girlfriend. They wanted to be my friend, sometimes in the hope that by being my friend they’d get my friends to notice them.

So here I was turning 18 and meeting a guy, who would be my first everything. I remember the night out, all my girlfriends and my best male friend, who’s like a brother to me and gay, so never any question or issues regarding his intentions or ulterior motives. We were all so happy, care-free and studying at college. We all had big dreams to conquer the world. It was a great night out, not just for me, but for everyone who went out that night. I say this because we still talk about that day. My friends are true people, hearts of gold, it’s only if I ever say “Remember that night, my 18th” and then their faces smile, relax and their eyes brighten, because I talked about that day with great joy so they too can have great memories of that day.

If I had known what I know now I would be stronger, more independent and determined, more than anything I would be me, my true self, fearless. The one that everyone else came to for a shoulder to cry on, advice and protection. I remember being in that club, I could feel his eyes on me, it felt hot and I tried to ignore it, those eyes staring at me. He made the first move and I didn’t want to be rude. I think about it now, the power he had over me and how I never really, really even liked him. I used to think it in my head all the time, but the words would never come out, “I don’t even like you”.

I made the mistake of talking and talking all night long. The funny thing is, for the people who really know me, when I really like a guy, I really really like a guy I don’t talk. My mouth gets dry, my brain is completely drained of all information and I am totally blank. I can bearly look at them. So that’s how I know I didn’t really like this guy. All the talking I did was a big mistake, he was obsessed, he remembered everything I told him, he could have been recording me for all I knew. He turned up at the place I worked to fund my college studies and he turned up at my college, uninvited. How could I tell everyone, “I don’t like him”, the first guy to show some proper interest in me and not my friends, but really someone who wanted “ME”.