The walk to the station was cold, lonely and long. I called my best-friend, “Let’s go out tonight”, I said. We did go out, but it was a terrible night. I got totally drunk, my first time and then at her house when everyone had gone to bed, I did it. I wanted everything to stop. The phone rang at my friends house, “It’s for you”, her mother said half asleep, I apologised, I didn’t know who it was, then I heard his voice “Hi, it’s me”. Why was he calling so late? I went silent and started crying, he could hear me, “I’ll be round to see you in the morning”. I kept sobbing, no response and he hung up.

No he wouldn’t, I thought, no, no, no I didn’t want to see him ever again. I would be dead. That’s what I wanted. It was the only escape from him. But it wasn’t that simple, I was saved and I was angry. I didn’t want to be saved. I could hear the sirens, feel the bumps as the ambulance drove so fast over the speed bumps in the road. I can hear my friend crying, I can hear her father crying. I didn’t want them to feel any pain, why didn’t they want me to be happy? I wanted this, I needed it all to stop. I didn’t want the hard way, I didn’t want to be a survivor. Someone yesterday called me a survivor, why do I give that impression to people, not just acquaintances but close peole that “I am a survivor”. I hate that song, “I am a survivor”. 

Why did they save me, why waste all the money, doctors and nurses time? Why did no one understand that this is what I wanted, it was my life. I really wanted to be dead. No one could help me. How could I explain to everyone that I let him do all the things he did? I didn’t fight back. My voice was so quiet, why could I say “I don’t like you”?

I convinced everyone, professionals, my parents and my friends that I was OK. They released me from hospital. I have been living with everything he ever said to me and did to me for 14 years. The pain never gets any better. I know to talk about it would make it all so much worse. I am not brave enough. I am not an idiot, I have a brain, I know right from wrong. I have a degree, I have a good job, I have a lovely life or that’s what everything perceives I have. I have beautiful children, loving and amazing. All these things actually make me feel unworthy, I don’t deserve them. I’ve started spending lots of money, money we don’t have. I deserve that to be ruined. How can I explain all this? I’ve done the counselling, it didn’t work.

I survived, but my soul is dead. I walk, live and breathe but I feel no emotion. I don’t want my life, I don’t value myself. I don’t like the face or the eyes that stare back at me in the mirror. I don’t like mirrors, I can’t look at myself. No one understands that all I really ever wanted is to be dead. I want peace, the voices in my head to stop. I don’t want to hear his voice anymore, see his face, remember his touch, I hate myself so much. I do not deserve a life. I thought of being a human donor, but who want to have a piece of a broken me inside them, that would be like a curse. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to die.