NI’m sure you’ve been told, as well as I have, that you should dance like nobody was watching.

Now, I have a tendency to take things a bit too literally. “Work like you don’t need the money” got me fired and “Love like you’ve never been hurt” was quite painful. Note to self: extreme sports are not the only way to impress your girlfriend.

But dancing like nobody was watching? Psh… that’s nothing!

I fleetingly remembered an episode of Dancing with the Stars I had once seen. Sure, a mic stand flew off the podium and hit a dancer. That was quite worrisome, but I kept my calm. I work amateur stand-up comedy and I’m quite used to having things thrown at me. Compared to a bar stool, a mic stand isn’t anything.

Being the macho man I am, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a Cascada CD.

Image via Wikipedia

But remember, I was DANCING like NOBODY was watching now! I can do whatever I want!

Out came Cascada. Out came the feather boas. Out came the strobe lights, the disco shoes, the satin jumpsuits. I was getting prepared to dance in STYLE — although 70s style at that.

By now my “Things a macho man shouldn’t own” closet was empty. I reset the burgler alarm and locked up the security system.

After carefully perching on the bathroom ledge and preening in front of the mirror while unconsciously making bird noises, I was ready!

Immediately I ran into problems.

The CIA was always watching! How could they not be watching? I was doubting this fact.

And secondly, I was watching myself! How could I deal with this attrocity? I painted my house black to keep out the CIA and put several polka-dot blindfolds on.

At last! Now I could be totally reassured that nobody was watching!

But if nobody was watching, who would see my sexy moves? Who was I dancing for? Myself?

Hmm… I’ll give it a whirl, I figured. I fired up Cascada and gave it all I had.

“Cause every time we touch”

Bam!

“I feel the static”

Boom! I wasn’t sure WHAT I was knocking over, but it kept wonderful time with the beat.

“And every time we kiss”.

Ruffle! Squawk! Assorted noises! Chaos! I was having the time of my life here!

“I swear I can fly”

I was really into this dancing thing now. As the positive energy flowed through the center of my satin cape, I discovered something — I could fly!

At least I swore I could fly.

A sharp shrieking noise interrupted my self-reverie. I ripped off all my facial adornments as quickly as I could.

Whoops. Looks like I had tripped the “emergency” button on my security panel! I glanced around nervously. Three men in red suits were standing around and giggling. One had a videocamera, no NOT the videocamera! Help! I thought nobody was watching!

“We heard yer alarm… I’m guessing it was false?” the tallest fireman burst behind unconcealed mirth.