I got married on May 16 2008 to the first person I truly loved. TRULY. I was 41 at the time, and while I had always told myself that I would never get married, this one got to me. He got in. Into my heart. Something I don’t let people do.

And there’s a reason for that.

People disappoint you.

They lie.

They make promises they don’t intend on keeping.

BUT….the mistake is truly my own, because -

Once I realized what was happening, I should have stuck to my guns, the same guns I would attempt to stick to every week, and ended it. Ended the relationship and all communications. And just lived the solitary life I always planned on living. I LET it keep happening. I LET him get away with murder because, I kept having faith that he would change. Once I knew who he was.

He was an abusive alcoholic.

At first I was coming to his aid when he was starting fights outside our apartment. Typical night. He always started fights when he was drinking.

The apologies and guilt FELT real…

Until he started beating me.

WHY did I stay when it became more than arguments, and turned the vicious corner into verbal and emotional abuse… and hitting me. Throwing things at me.

I am mentally and physically disabled. There is no way I could defend myself against someone of his size and strength. Even his family told me to get away from him but did I? No. WHY? I DON’T know. I don’t like to think that I’m a desperate person, but maybe I had become one.

The promises, the forgiveness, the disappointment, the stress, the lack of trust, the loss of belief or dreams. What kind of person had I become?

In September 09, we had an argument. It escalated. He started to drag me around by my hair, and forcing my face into his knee. Then he tried to choke me. I was just trying to get away, as fast as I could. I was FURIOUS that I had actually allowed this to happen: NO man had EVER laid hands on me. I retaliated, mainly to get him out of the house. He actually got hurt, and ended up in the hospital.

We both got arrested for spousal battery.