I knew it was possible, but everyone ridiculed me. I would walk down the hallways and people would begin to laugh. As I approached them they would start with a snicker which progressed to an open laugh as I came upon them, and finally culminating with them rolling on the floor vainly gasping at the air only so they could laugh more laughter of filthy swine spawn.

This bloked smirked – he also payed the price for his smirkdom – via Wikipedia

Today however, I had achieved what these heathens would not think possible. I, the one they called stupid snot faced moronic butt licking goat herder, had created a manifestation of unimaginable power. A force so unbelievably destructive that even I, the one they called shit eating dick for brains scrotum wart, had fears that I would not be able to control it.

From today, they would no longer call me arse faced mucus sucking dick nosed vomitus mass. They would no longer laugh the laugh of a hundred hyenas on crack cocaine – oh no – they would laugh no more. I, the one they called camel spit monkey humping turd brained hippo fart, would now demand their respect. Oh no – I would no longer be referred to in scientific publications as the missing link between the apes and man. No longer would you be able to look up the word abomination in the dictionary and see the definition {noun}: something that disgusts you, with my name listed as an example. No longer would they offer free counseling to people who accidentally saw me while walking down the street.

THIS WOULD BE NO MORE.

I had created the KGB – the kamikaze goat brigade. The KGB was a killing force of unspeakable terror and cruelty. In one hour they were able to totally annihilate the entire Australian Army Reserve – and that was only one goat. Of course that goat was my right hand angora – formerly called “Betty Goat” and now affectionately referred to as “Kill Them All Goaty Girl” – my single best weapon of mass destruction. Still the other goats were not too far behind in their awesome capabilities of raw unadulterated chaos.

Kill them all Goaty Girl – looks sweet enough eh – but if you see her in real life, it will be the last thing you see -  via Wikipedia

Of course, as my KGB went flying into the fold of laughing skeptics, floating through the air with lethal spin kicks, they asked “how can it be?”. Even as the concealed hoof knives severed their bemused heads, they exclaimed “how you did you do it?”. Even as they begged for their very lives while horn mounted angle grinders buried themselves into their guts they cried out, “Tell us how you did this”.

It was deceptively simple in the end. I made the goats sit down and watch the crazy frog ring tone advertisement 12 hours a day for six months.

Eventually one by one they snapped, becoming totally insane but highly impressionable. Slowly I replaced the images of the crazy frog with images of my enemies – anyone and everyone who had even thought about laughing at me. Soon the mere mention of Diiiiiiiinnnnggg ding de dinng ding ding ding would cause the goats to rise into a mad frenzy. I tried the cute chick and dancing dragon phone themes – but only the crazy fog had the desired effect. The other ones simply caused the goats to drop dead due to spontaneous brain implosion.

Of course 500 bleating killing machines were not enough to take over the world. More goats were needed….but how many?

I thus propose a hypothetical, and hopefully someone from the unwashed masses out there can help me answer it:

If 500 KGB can annihilate the entire Australian Army Reserve and a committee of skeptical scientists in one hour and it takes 12 hours a day for six months to train 500 KGB, how long will it take to train enough KGB to take over the entire world, considering that 1 out of 500 KGB will be a super killing goat of unimaginable destructive force?