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I looked up, out the window in my room the blinds were just slightly opened, so I could see the moonlight and the storm, all I thought in my head was, “Please let it stop, let the pain end, please someone save me, I don’t want this to happen.” I was on the verge of crying, but I didn’t, not because I was proud, but because I was scared, scared that if I showed I scared to this devil’s spawn that was doing this too me, it would make it worse, so I just sucked it up. Because being a 9 year old kid, there was nothing I could do to a fit 14 year old, I was doomed to being raped. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

I try so hard to not think about the pain I felt that day, the only thing I allow myself to remember is when I looked out that window and saw the rain running down the length of the window and the dark clouds, and the flashes of lighting followed by the big explosions of thunder, the thunder just added wood to the fire, it made the fear I already had, turn to terror.

When I came home after it happened, My parents noticed something was up, I stayed in the living room, I wouldn’t go down the hall, when I sat on the couch, I stared at the hallway with morbid fear in my eyes, real fear. The fear you can only get from abuse. I saw the dark, I thought it would swallow me up, my parents had to walk me to my room. They bought me a nightlight, but that scared me even more, because I made shapes out of the shadows it made, I layed in bed with the cover over my head, I left a small hole, about 3 inches in diameter to look out and breath I gripped the blanket with a death grip, because if I let go they would get me, I would never come out alive. I had the blanket wrapped around me like a towel, and tucked under my feet, so if they wanted to get me, they had to get me out of the blanket.

It still affects me today, I can’t be outside during a thunderstorm, I can’t be in a car during a thunderstorm, If I’m in my room I have to shut the curtains and blare music, and I don’t fall asleep, Cause if I do I wake up screaming, I have to wait till the storm is over. I hate walking in neighborhoods or dark roads at night, I start to look back and forth rapidly, then I start to shake, I walk faster, then I start hyperventilating, I look at the stars to calm myself. What’s odd is when a cloud goes over the moon I relax because the shadows go away and I don’t see anything, so I think if I can’t see anything that there really is nothing is there. when I’m with someone I trust, I don’t feel anything it’s like everything is fine. I like it that way, I like imagining that nothing did happen. Then when they leave I realize it’s just that, a figment of my imagination.