I left the Door Open For Just a Second

This is Something I wrote When I found myself consumed by Anger and Bitterness. I am a resiliant person who has spent my whole life having to protect myself from the ones I loved most. I have never blamed another for any of my mistakes and I take full responsibility for everything I am responsible for (and even things I’m not)  I have always found a bright side; no matter the situation; smile in the face of evil! When I turned 30 this all started to change. I let the evil presence looking over my shoulder win. His subliminal nagging , his constant soul draining powers eventually beat me down; snuck in while I was at my weakest. When he got in I started to crumble; my whole world fell down.

I started to be consumed by him; darkness was stealing my light and anger was stealing my smile. I was tumbling fast and was no longer able to catch everyone else. I had worked so hard to keep him at bay while I struggled through the seedy walks of life I found myself pport network here on triond.confined too when I run away at 13. I had made it in life; a professional psychoanalyst and a mother of 4 (6 now:). When I think of all the sadness and dangerous situations I had lived through I could not believe I left the door open; he snuck in and stole my sole. I opened my 30th birthday presents and by the end of that day I found myself tumbling.

Anger and bitterness is something I don’t do well! I was tumbling for real; I had never even got close to tumbling before this night. I held out both my hands to find there was no one there to catch me. The anger was killing me; I knew if I didn’t get rid of it I would not even slow down. I was physically ill; I could not rid myself of the darkness eating away my soul. I had to do some thing; but what do you do when you have no one and the medication doesn’t work? It was only the second time in life I had thought of suicide. Not to ease my pain but so They could be rid of their pain; rid of me! While doing some decluttering recently I found this chant or prayer from then. This is what I wrote and spoke every night for at least a year; keep it for times when I feel him slipping under your door.

Sadness and confusion fills my heart,

slowly tearing my soul apart

Hear my whispers, hear my cries,

winds of nature don’t pass me by.

Find me a hand to hold on to,

help me start my life a new.

Give me a sign, warm my heart,

never let my spirit pass.

I call to our god to hear my cry,

don’t let my heart love die

Wind, air, water and earth,

I thank you

so mote it be