Every once in a while when I was really upset or angry and couldn’t let out my emotions. I remember the 1st day I took the blade to my wrist…I was scared at first and didn’t think I could do it. I was shaking so bad when I tried to move my hand because I had thought I decided not to but the razor gently slipped across my arm and it stung… it stung really bad but then i didn’t feel anything.

I was most definitely awake and alive but it was like i was numb all over and that felt good. Like I said, I had only done it every once and a while but then my father met her… I didn’t like her and she hated me. Then my good relationship with my father just stopped. He would tell me he was busy or just not call at all to be with her even though I had my mom. She had to get herself together. I mean she was newly married and wanted her life in order and so I decided to just let her live her life and not talk about how I felt.

Then at night, I would start to cry, go over to my desk get out my little pink box, get out my razor blade, scissors, wash cloth, rubbing alcohol, and sit there on my bed, cross-legged, still crying. I would take a deep breath in and by the time I let it out the red blood would start coming out of the little lines i had just drawn om my skin with the razor. Next, I would put the things back but put a band-aid on it and then go to sleep. The next day I would get up take a shower and feel horrible but want to cut again. It was a cycle I could not break. Eventually I did it more and more.

Bad things would happen so I would (make them better) by getting out that little pink box. One day I met Haley and we grew very close told everything about each other and one day we were in the library at school and my long sleeve shirt got stuck on the edge of my chair, it went up and there they were about 20 little read marks and pink scabs there screaming at me. And then her eyes shot on them like daggers. I just pulled my sleeve down and tried to forget the subject — it worked for a while and I would see a confused look on Haley’s face. All of the sudden I turned the page in my text book and she tapped my shoulder.