In case you missed last night’s bulletin…

I just got into a big ol’ rowdy fight in the back parking lot. I don’t fight! Lord knows I can throw down, I just don’t. But holy shit, that was insane.

My downstairs neighbor and friend, Nikki, called me and told me she was about to get into a fight and I thought she was kidding till I heard her yelling in the background. I ran downstairs completely barefoot and could hear them from the front of the house, so I ran to the back and there she was. She turned on me instantly, swearing at me, throwing her arms back and yelling “Whatyagonnado about it? Huh?”

I just stood there and said “Uh…nothing? What is going on?”

And she shoved me. All 5 ft. nothing of her short self. She shoved me. And then came back, kicking at me. It was on. I threw a few punches that didn’t connect when Nikki started screaming “Hell no” and came after her. Threw her into the fence and hit her square in the jaw.

Stupid Tony, the actual resident, wouldn’t get control of his woman who doesn’t even live there, as in she’s not on the lease. She came after me again and grabbed both Nikki and I by the hair.

What a stupid girl.

I instantly went for it. Still don’t know what possessed me, but I grabbed her right in the throat. Not her full throat, but right in the front, right on her esophagus and I squeezed it hard, crushing it. She started turning purple and gurgling and Tony was screaming for me to stop choking her.

I refused to let go until she released my hair and when she finally did I let go. She lurched back, still holding onto Nikki’s hair before finally letting go. Nikki had already called the cops, so they were on the way. It was crazy. She tried attacking me with Tony’s cell phone, which I promptly took away and threw it against the concrete, destroying it. She kept coming after me, talking shit and kicking at me, throwing her arms up.

At that point I couldn’t control myself. I kept egging her on, trying to get her to throw another punch or kick so I could lay her out. I wanted to fucking kill her.

Nikki and I went to the front of the house and waited for the cops. Three cop cars came from around the corner and stopped one right after the other after the…crash. The third cop car slams into the middle one. Hilarious. But the funny thing was when they got out, all they did was ask Nikki and I where “they” were and we said “in the back” and they went straight after them. The cops knew who they were after because they had just sent them home in a cab from a bar.

The stupid bitch was manhandled and arrested. It was awesome. They let Tony go, even though he was clearly intoxicated. She was arrested for Public Intoxication and Assault. Which Nikki and I are both prosecuting. Fuck yeah. And we called the Landlord too. Those idiots are fucking out of that apartment.

I am so rowdy now. Wanna fight. One of the cops who talked to Nikki and I told us we should have laid her out, that they wouldn’t have done anything about it. I wish I would have known it sooner. I’d have made her seriously bleed.

And like I said. I don’t fight. This was just insane.