So I was driving through the countryside one day, looking out of the window as one does (don’t worry – I was’t driving driving, just in the passenger seat), and I was filled with pride for living in such a beautiful country. England. Even the word sounds green, fresh, and moist with light rainfall and morning dew. Okay, heavy rainfall. The principle’s the same.

Anyway, the trees and fields were blurring by in a stream of comforting shades of spring, the light flickering playfully amongst the leaves, when BAM! An electric blue tardis shocked my vision. Of course, it wasn’t really The Doctor paying a visit to his granny at all. It was a portaloo, not an alien space-ship. However it really did look as if it had landed from outer space, and crash-landed at that. In the middle of a field in Sussex. The sight surprised me, and as surprises generally do, stayed in my head for the remainder of the journey.

From that moment, every field I saw was contaminated by an irritatingly conspicuous plastic box that would no longer evade my notice as it might have done before. The more of them I saw, the more angry I became until I simply could not cope another second. Another second elapsed, and simultaneously I caught sight of yet another portaloo. Something had to be done. That evening, I seriously considered writing to the council. But what would they do? They barely left their offices long enough to see the countryside, let alone agree with me that change was essential to rural life. So I decided on more proactive tactics. I just needed to make a point, so that people would take notice, and hopefully, action. Just one point. Just one portaloo.

The following morning was highly entertaining. Had I heard the news? Yes, I certainly had. A vandal! Scandalous. I decided to go for a walk, to enjoy the countryside under the light of a morning Sun. I strode along the footpath, light with a sense of victory and the scent of pine needles. And paint. There, straight before me, was a glorious portaloo perfectly in context. A portaloo, but no longer an offensive shade of blue: this one was cowprint.