It takes every ounce of energy just to get the idea of setting my foot on the cold carpet in the morning, so I lie in bed half dead with the idea of movement, but I still lay silent hoping to god I don’t fall asleep for my dreams have now become nightmares, that fear alone takes the idea and turns it into action, my feet touch the cold floor and I feel like crashing down but the fear of someone seeing me is dreadful so I stop myself, I take a few steps towards the door and stop right in front of it and I ask myself:

“Do I feel like crying?”

That sentence alone would have been enough to start a cascade of never-ending tears but anger takes hold and stops me again and I tell myself:

“I am no longer a child.”

There are millions of ways to describe how amazing love is but there are no words in any language to describe the pain you feel, the anger fades quickly and despair takes over and I tell myself:

“I will never see her again, I am to blame, and I have failed.”

And in that spot I found more strength and I manage to fake a smile on my face, for no one deserves to see this poor excuse of a man like this, because “if you cry, you cry alone dough, laugh and the whole world laughs with you”.   

I reach for the doorknob, it feels icy cold, I open the door and the cold coming from the hallway feels like it’s invading every wound in my body , I walk towards the living room and the freezing cold is tearing open my flesh I feel as if I’m bleeding all over.

I reach the living room door, I hear voices coming from inside and hope to God that they won’t ask what’s wrong because I would tell them. I open the door and see their eyes, they are looking at me, all of them were waiting for me, one is handing me a cup of coffee the other a cigarette they ask no questions, and so every thought I had, every pain, every wound disappeared and that fake smile turned into a real one.

One of them turns to me and asks “Could you fix the goddamn heating?” so I step into the kitchen and hope takes hold of my body and I think I have the greatest friends I could ask for, but as I press the restart button on that infernal machine a whisper comes from the depths of my mind, a whisper that comes to me in her voice and it terrifies me:

“Have you forgotten about me already?”

The answer comes quickly to mind with no hesitation and it is not terrifying but surprisingly comforting:

“No, I will never forget.”