A short story of lasting affection.
Feedback on my writing gladly appreciated!

The night sky was stretching over the valley, embracing all that was in sight. You could see the cosmos unfolding up before your eyes.

It was perfectly dark, yet the forest offered a variety of sounds and fragrances. The ever sweet, fresh smell of the trees, the invisible bugs singing in the dark, a small stream of water quietly pouring down the rocks, and a smell of the night itself.

But when you looked at the countless stars shining, all those impressions slowly faded away, and your mind went completely blank. Every second made you more and more at peace. It was one of those magical moments in life, when looking at stars make us miss something that is unknown.

The image of this sky reflected in water was scattered by a little boy who jumped into the river. The water was shallow, so he could move without soaking his trousers. There were some big rocks in the river and the boy hopped from one to another. But then his foot slipped and he fell into the water hurting his arm and leg.

Unable to stand up, he laid on his back, facing the sky.  The countless small spots presented a mosaic of an endless beauty that had to be drawn by the hand of God himself. Knowing the affluence of life and it forms on Earth, manifested in flora, animals and people, we cannot even imagine the abundance that can be found in the endlessly bigger universe.

This view was covered by a face with a very intrigued look. Long black hair, smiling eyes and a cheerful face seen for a brief moment suddenly disappeared from the boy’s sight, and in the same second he heard a sound of someone jumping into the water.

“I’ve never laid like this before. Do you do this often?” The girl asked.

 He noticed her lying beside him. But then the girl saw that he was hurt and unable to move, so she put his arm over her shoulders, and brooding in the water, dragged him all the way to the shore. She laid him on the grass.

“It’s okay. I will take a good care of you”.

“You won’t  leave me here?” The boy pulled the air through his clogged nose.

“I won’t ever leave you. That’s a promise!”

Continue to The Milky Way – Part II

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Comments (14)
  • aisha jamal on Jan 8, 2012

    nice

  • Robert Heston on Jan 8, 2012

    Pretty good.

  • prsol46 on Jan 8, 2012

    Very good, lots of nice imagery.

  • The Elements on Jan 8, 2012

    this is good.

  • PaulB on Jan 10, 2012

    Promising! :)

  • Moses Ingram on Jan 10, 2012

    Good. I’ll look for part 2.

  • Moses Ingram on Jan 10, 2012

    Good. I\\\’ll look for part 2.

  • Hettie on Jan 11, 2012

    Very interesting :)

  • PHILLY DREAMER on Jan 11, 2012

    Very good start you hooked me.

  • Mark Leo Jagape on Jan 13, 2012

    Good writing..brings nostalgia.

  • vickylass on Jan 13, 2012

    Brilliantly written, but I’d to suggest that for a short story, we’re advised to show rather than tell. Get me? Instead of saying that “it was a dark night”, we should show how dark it is/was. It attracts readers a lot more. It’s a good one, though. Thanks for sharing.

  • ittech on Jan 17, 2012

    Great stuff Buzz.

  • Kristie Claar on Jan 17, 2012

    Excellent, well written, very descriptive, good work

  • JoniJones on Jan 24, 2012

    I like it, good one

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