Once upon a time a little pig ate a fig.  He liked to eat while he read rhymes.  But it wasn’t really a fig though.  It was evil incarnate.  You see; this little pig lived in the country and everybody knows that the country is full of simple things and simple lives and truths and wild gnarly things too.  But pigs are oblivious to time, figs and the country too.  This was actually Charlotte’s Webbs’ pig and farmer John didn’t actually want him sticking around.  So he gave that pig a fig made of all the most evil things a farmer could think of, of course, namely, ‘No rain!:(’, thorns and bar-B-Que sauce from New York City.

BBQ sauce! What in the world?!  So Charlotte’s Webbs’ pig asked the spider chick, the one that happens to die during the movie, (so typical of old movies once again so depressing).  So the pig asked the spider chick ‘How come I’m pink?’ and the spider chick said ‘Probably cuz you stink. You know eating all that junk that farmer John gives you.  What’s a matter with you are you ridiculous don’t you think.  Wait I know you look so good I wanna eat you!’  So the pink pig got mad, stepped on the spider chick and ate her and then started crying, tried to relocate the spiders nest (egg sak).  But it tasted like cotton candy so he ate it. 

And yes; he ate Farmer Johns big toe too.  Tasted like cheese and onion rings he said.  But he never did like any of those stupid toads down by the bay.  So he went down and coughed up the evil fig and wrapped itin pretty pink paper and wrote on it ‘Peter Piper picked a red hot peckers pencil pepper’ on it and then delivered it to the toads.  ‘There!’ he thought, ‘That outta satisfy those toads’.  Then he decided to go for a stroll.  Nothing but a leisurely stroll.  Nothing to it really.  Until he fell into the milky way and got sucked into a black hole and discovered that they’re not really all that mysterious anyways.  They’re just full of turds little turds!  All that vacuum for nothing!  Turds!