From 1998, the 5th sequel to “The Retardis”. Petite Toots and Turdlow are still here, and Megan returns in this adventure. We also see the return of Abrick and Thickie in a flashback sequence & a new companion, Swan-Li in a flash-forward sequence.
CHARACTERS
MALE DOCTOR: Tall, grey-haired wearing fancy clothing
1ST FEMALE DOCTOR: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead
2ND FEMALE DOCTOR: Thirties, tall, willowy redhead
PETITE TOOTS: Pre-teen, blonde American girl named Jessie
TURDLOW: Fifteen-year-old redheaded boy
VOICE OF KAY-SWINE
HOME GUARDSMAN, arresting the DOCTOR
BAILIFF
VANGUARD: Tall, brunette DA of Time-Dorks
PRESIDENT VERUKA
MEGAN: Short, brunette in early twenties
SOLDIER ABOARD FREIGHTER
VERVOD LEADER: Green and pink plant-creature
FRIENDLY DINOSAUR
SWAN-LI: Vietnamese girl, in early teens travelling with the Doctor
YOUNG MAN: Who steals Time-Wand
ABRICK: Short, dark-haired teenager
THICKIE: Short, dark-haired teenager
1ST OFFICER OF SPACE LINER
2ND OFFICER OF SPACE LINER
SMALL REPTILIAN ALIEN
LARGE REPTILIAN ALIEN
1ST MINER
2ND MINER
DIRECTOR OF POWER STATION
DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF POWER STATION
VOICE OVER INTERCOMM
SYLVANIAN-LEADER: Man-sized, erect, bipedal reptile
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN: Supreme Galactic Ruler of the Montagian Fleet. Tall, lean, crew-cutted lesbian
MARIE ANTOINETTE: Bottle-blonde bimbo
BRIGADIER ALEXANDER RIGHTBRIDGE-STUPID: Fifties or sixties, tall, moustachioed man
THE SILVER HORN-BAG: Vivian Vedeau; tall, willowy blonde, painted silver, always wears low-cut silver costume.
JAYNE GRUNT: Blonde bimbo assistant of Female Doctor
CAPTAIN MIKE BATES: Thirty-something
CORPORAL BENSON: Late twenties or early thirties
KING OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE: Native King
PRINCE OF THE DINGLEBERRY TRIBE: 12 or 13-year-old; native prince
WITCH DOCTOR
AXEMAN
YOUNG WARRIOR
MOTHER OF THE KING: Megan’s mother-in-law
FATHER OF THE KING
BALD WARRIOR
CROSS-EYED WARRIOR
WARRIOR PICKING HIS NOSE
WARRIOR SALUTING THE KING
MEDICINE MAN IN CEREMONIAL GARB
OLD NATIVE MAN: Who plays the xylophone
THE MISTRESS: Thirties, tall, willowy brunette
SALTARAN WARRIOR: Alien wearing leathery armour, and having a head shaped like the glands of a penis.
CYBER-POOF LEADER: Pink, metallic alien with teapot-shaped head
CYBER-BABE: Andred; green alien made of silicone
QUARK-LEADER: Silvery robot, seven-foot tall
DAISY: The Brigadier’s wife; middle-aged
EXTRAS
other Home Guardsmen, and bailiffs on Gallafart; corpses in spaceship; other Vervods; passengers and crew aboard space liner; ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN’s Montagian Generals; native warriors; natives in village; male SILVER-HORNBAG; male MISTRESS; Sylvanian reptiles; staff at nuclear power station;
CROWDS
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN’s Montagian Generals;
INTERIOR SETS
LIVING ROOM
RETARDIS CONSUL ROOM
GALLAFART
— corridors
— court room
METATOMBOLIS-FOUR
— underground tunnels
— Queen-Spider’s cavern
SPACESHIP
— cargo hold
— corridors
— flight deck
SPACE LINER
— passenger area
— flight deck
EUNUCH HQ LONDON
— long, green corridor
— The Doctor’s workshop
— The Brigadier’s office
— The Doctor’s en suite
— The Doctor’s workshop-cum-garage
CAVE NETWORK
NUCLEAR POWER STATION
— corridors
— reactor room
NATIVE VILLAGE
— banquet hall
— cave & tunnels
— outside forbidden city
— small rise overlooking clearing
— clearing
EXTERIOR LOCATIONS
ROCKY TERRAIN ON ALIEN PLANET
OUTER SPACE
YELLOW PLANET
NATIVE VILLAGE
— forest outside village
— outskirts of village
— execution area
— forbidden zone
TEASER:
FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
Turdlow standing at consul, while Petite Toots lies on the floor a few feet away, playing chess with KAY-SWINE.
THE DOCTOR is a tall, shapely redhead, and is a scientist, qualified in most fields. She has no dress sense at all, is notoriously clumsy, and always carries a huge cloth bag on her left arm.
TURDLOW is a redhead, about fifteen, a bit of a braggart, yet a coward at heart.
PETITE TOOTS is about ten, short, blonde, stubborn and a bit of a know-it-all, having picked up exotic knowledge from travelling with the Doctor. She is an American by birth.
PETITE TOOTS (Moving a chess piece.)
Double-check and mate, Kay-Swine.
KAY-SWINE is a metallic, computerised pig.
Kay-Swine raises her head and opens her mouth slightly.
Her small metallic barrel protrudes from her mouth and fires a pink beam that hits the chessboard, which EXPLODES, shooting chess pieces everywhere.
Petite Toots squeals and leaps to her feet.
PETITE TOOTS
No one likes a sore loser, Kay-Swine!
Kay-Swine’s pink beam fires again, just missing Petite Toots, who squeals and races across to the consul.
Kay-Swine starts firing her pink beam repeatedly, shooting out circles on walls of the Retardis and just missing Petite Toots, the Doctor, and Turdlow, who duck down behind the flight consul in fright.
THE DOCTOR
Looks like Kay-Swine is overdue for a service again.
PETITE TOOTS
It’s your fault, Doctor! I told you, you didn’t put her back together properly after dropping her in that T-Mit terminal.
THE DOCTOR
Well, accidents will happen, you know.
PETITE TOOTS
That’s her excuse for everything.
In the b/g the pink beam continues shooting out circles in the walls, which EXPLODE and fall to the floor.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry, her battery should run down soon. She’s also overdue for recharging.
KAY-SWINE
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
(Weakly.)
Power failing, Mistress!
Her pink beams get thinner and slower and finally stop.
The Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots hesitantly peep over the top of the flight consul, to where Kay-Swine is now lying on her side.
TURDLOW
Well, that’s the last of that metallic musclehead.
FREEZE FRAME and hold for OPENING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
ACT ONE:
FADE IN:
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis lurches suddenly and they are all thrown to the floor.
PETITE TOOTS
What’s happening, Doctor?
TURDLOW
Could the Retardis have been damaged when Kay-Swine was shooting up the walls?
THE DOCTOR
I can’t tell until I’ve examined the Retardis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY suddenly stops.
The Doctor, Turdlow and Petite Toots all look puzzled.
TURDLOW
It’s stopped.
PETITE TOOTS
I didn’t think you’d set in the landing co-ordinates yet?
THE DOCTOR
I haven’t.
Doctor flips a switch and turns on the viewer-screen, to display a long, yellow-walled corridor.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Hey wait a minute…
(Half a beat.)
I know this place, don’t I?
THE DOCTOR
Of course, you diminutive dingleberry…
(Half a beat.)
It’s Gallafart.
Petite Toots stares at her, clearly puzzled.
THE DOCTOR
Home of the Time-Dorks.
Petite Toots stares at her, clearly puzzled.
THE DOCTOR
The planet where I was born.
Petite Toots stares at her, clearly puzzled.
THE DOCTOR
Where we went after the Time-Dork’s shanghaied us when I violated the first rule of time and brought Megan back to life.
Petite Toots stares at her, clearly puzzled.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh yes of course, I remember when you violated the first rule of time and brought Megan back to life…
(Half a beat.)
I just don’t remember ever being to this place before.
THE DOCTOR
Oy vay, with a memory like yours, who needs a computer.
PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Well, I’m a kid, okay…
(Half a beat.)
I’ve got a short attention span.
TURDLOW
You’ve got no attention span, you minute morphodite.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE RETARDIS — LIT
Half-a-dozen Home Guardsmen are standing outside the Retardis.
The Retardis’s doors open and the Doctor steps out, carrying her huge cloth bag on her left arm.
Behind her come Turdlow, then Petite Toots.
THE DOCTOR
Hello, is there something I can do for you?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
You’re under arrest, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
What for?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
I think you know what for, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Shaking her head.)
Uh huh, not a clue.
TURDLOW (Shaking his head.)
Don’t ask me.
PETITE TOOTS
I think he means because the last time you were here, you promised to go back to eighteenth century France to defeat Zontag Zeekgrikkian. But instead you went joy riding to 1998 USA, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at her.)
So who was asking you, you teensy-weensy troublemaker?
1ST HOME GUARDSMAN
Come along, Doctor, President Veruka wishes to see you immediately.
The Doctor, Turdlow, Petite Toots and the Home Guardsmen all start off down the long corridor.
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — THE DOCTOR, TURDLOW
and Petite Toots are standing before a long, wooden bench, which is vacant.
After a moment a bailiff enters from a side door.
BAILIFF (Clapping his hands for attention.)
Silence. All rise to show your respect for those great and glorious personages who have been ruling us all so wisely.
TURDLOW
We’re already standing, dingle.
Half-a-dozen male and female judges enter the chamber and walk around to sit behind the long bench. In the middle sits President Veruka.
PRESIDENT VERUKA is a tall, striking man, primly proper, and a
little too full of his own importance.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, Doctor, so you’ve been interfering again in other people’s business, I see.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I’m not the sort of person to interfere in other people’s business.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Since when!
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, I almost had him believing it!
PETITE TOOTS
Sorry, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Now really, have you ever known me to stick my nose into other people’s business?
TURDLOW
Is she joking, or what?
PETITE TOOTS
You got me.
THE DOCTOR
Just answer the damn question!
PETITE TOOTS
I refuse to answer on the grounds….
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, children, perhaps I can get more sense out of you than I can from the Doctor. Is the Doctor guilty of interfering in other people’s business, or not?
TURDLOW
Oh, absolutely.
PETITE TOOTS
Guilty as Hell.
THE DOCTOR
Hey! You’re not helping things, you know!
TURDLOW
So what, who cares?
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, we’re not on trial here.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Yes, you are, we’ll get to you two after sentencing the Doctor.
Turdlow and Petite Toots both look shocked.
PETITE TOOTS (Shaking head.)
No way, the Doctor is completely innocent.
TURDLOW
She’s just not the interfering kind.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
They can both sound so sincere when they want to. The despicable little liars.
(To the Doctor.)
It is quite obvious to this court; Doctor that you are completely irresponsible and know damn little about what is involved in time-travel.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I know everything there is to know about time-travel.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, anything the Doctor doesn’t know about time-travel…
(Considering a moment.)
She’s forgotten years ago.
TURDLOW
Yes, you could fill an encyclopaedia with what the Doc doesn’t know about time-travel.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
So who was asking you two dingleberries?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Show some decorum in this court, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
I thought I was?
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, that’s as much decorum as that major dingle ever shows.
THE DOCTOR
Bugger off, you pip-squeak pterodactyl.
PETITE TOOTS (Sulky.)
Don’t tell me to bugger off.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, it is quite obvious, Doctor, that you don’t have the maturity to be in charge of these two children.
THE DOCTOR
So who’s in charge of them? I didn’t invite the two underage ogres aboard the Retardis. They both stowed away. I’ve been setting out bear-traps for them every night…
(Half a beat.)
What more am I supposed to do?
TURDLOW (Angry.)
Doctor! You swore it wasn’t you setting those bear-traps each night.
THE DOCTOR (Innocent.)
Oh…
(Half a beat.)
Did I?
PETITE TOOTS
You know damn well you did, you despicable liar!
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I am not a despicable liar!
TURDLOW
No, the Doctor’s a very good liar.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Doctor, what exactly is your relationship to these two children, then?
THE DOCTOR
I like to think of myself as their foreman.
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Puzzled.)
Their foreman?
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, Doc is definitely foreman material.
TURDLOW
Yes, whenever there’s any hard work to do, she elects herself foreman, so she can stand around and watch us working.
PETITE TOOTS
That’s for sure.
Veruka and Bailiff exchange a puzzled look.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Er, anyway, Doctor, regardless of your involvement with these children, there seems to be no doubt that you have interfered in the activities of other cultures.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
But what’s the point of travelling back and forth in time if we don’t interfere a little?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Doctor! Your meddling has done irreparable damage to who knows how many cultures!
THE DOCTOR (Raising voice.)
That’s a lie! I defy you!
(Half a beat.)
I defy you to come up with one proven example of a case where my meddling caused any kind of substantial change to the history of any known culture!
PETITE TOOTS
Well, there was that time when we travelled back through time to ancient Rome, Doctor.
TURDLOW
And you convinced Nero not to burn down Rome after all.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, and when we reached the early twenty-first century we found the Roman Empire still existed.
TURDLOW
And had enslaved the entire world.
PETITE TOOTS
So we had to go back through time to ancient Rome again.
TURDLOW
So you could convince Nero to change his mind again.
PETITE TOOTS
And burn down Rome after all.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at them.)
So who was asking you two dweebs?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Yes, Doctor, how do you refute this charge?
BAILIFF
That you travelled back through time to ancient Rome, and you convinced Nero not to burn down Rome after all.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
And when you returned to the future the Roman Empire still existed, and had enslaved the entire world.
BAILIFF
So you had to go back to ancient Rome, to convince Nero to burn down Rome after all.
THE DOCTOR
So who was asking you two dweebs?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Doctor, remember this is a court of law. Don’t think you can get away with your usual rude, sarcastic quips here!
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I am never rude or sarcastic…
(Half a beat.)
You bald-headed reject from Jenny Craig!
PETITE TOOTS
Rude and sarcastic at times. But never rude or sarcastic.
TURDLOW
And she never picks fun at people’s physical characteristics either.
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Frustrated.)
Very well, Doctor, but we must get on with it. Do you have any particular counsel you wish to represent you? Or are you happy to have a counsel appointed by the court?
THE DOCTOR
Neither! I shall represent myself.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Uh-oh.
TURDLOW
We want a separate attorney!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Doctor, they say that when a Time-Dork defends herself, she has a fool for a client.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you! I’ll have you know, I always know exactly what I’m doing….
The Doctor walks forward, trips over her own feet, crashes headfirst into the bench, staggers backwards past Turdlow and Petite Toots and falls backwards over the guard-rail behind them and collapses unconscious in the audience area.
TURDLOW
Is it too late to get the Doctor a new attorney?
PETITE TOOTS
And a new skull?
TURDLOW
And a new brain?
Veruka bangs his gavel on the bench half-a-dozen times.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Silence!
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, I’ll do the sarky jokes at the Doc’s expense if you don’t mind.
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — A LITTLE LATER
The Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots are standing before a long, wooden bench. The Doctor’s head is now bandaged.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Very well, the Doctor will defend herself. And the District Attorney will be the Vanguard.
(Pointing at willowy brunette.)
VANGUARD (Bowing low.)
Thank you, Excellency.
The VANGUARD is primly proper, and notorious as a bit of a crawler. She also has an axe to grind with the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Excellency? You crawler.
VANGUARD
Well, what would you prefer, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
How about calling him, “bonehead” like the rest of us do?
TURDLOW
Or what about calling him old baldy? Or chrome-dome?
PETITE TOOTS
Or old spray-and-wipe? Or Kojerk?
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Banging gavel.)
Silence!
VANGUARD
Thank you, Excellency. Now with the aid of the Time-Mattress I will attempt to show to this court that the Doctor is both wilfully arrogant and totally frivolous in her blatant disregard for the cultures and even the lives of life forms she encounters on her jaunts through time and space.
The Vanguard waves toward a viewer-screen behind them on which is the image of a long underground tunnel.
INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL — DARK
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis appears, the door opens and the Doctor, Turdlow, Megan, and Petite Toots exit.
MEGAN is short and brown-haired, an Aussie by birth. A bit of an airhead and very sarcastic by nature. Also a bit of a cynic.
MEGAN
Where is this place, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
I’m not certain. But it looks a little like MetaTombolis-Four where the giant Spider-Queen used to rule.
EXT. CAVERN — DARK — TWENTY YEARS EARLIER
Middle-aged, grey-haired MALE DOCTOR is standing, staring in terror at a dinner-plate-sized black spider, the SPIDER-QUEEN.
SPIDER-QUEEN
What is this, Doctor? Yes, I detect fear! So, Doctor, you are afraid of me!
EXT. CAVERN — DARK — TWENTY YEARS LATER
Female Doctor, Turdlow, Megan, and Petite Toots are standing, staring in terror at the Spider-Queen.
SPIDER-QUEEN
So, Doctor, twenty years and half-a-dozen regenerations later, yet still I frighten you.
THE DOCTOR (Terrified.)
Just back away very slowly everyone.
TURDLOW
Chicken out everybody!
Turdlow turns and races out of the cavern.
MEGAN
My hero.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and just back out of the cave very slowly.
The Doctor and Megan start backing away from the Spider-Queen.
PETITE TOOTS
Relax, Doc, don’t be afraid of that over-grown daddy longlegs.
SPIDER-QUEEN
How dare you!
PETITE TOOTS
Leave her to me, Doctor. I’ll just use tact, diplomacy and subtlety on her.
Petite Toots races forward and jumps up and down on the Spider-Queen.
SHELL CRACKING LOUDLY as Petite Toots crushes the Spider-Queen underfoot.
SPIDER-QUEEN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
THE DOCTOR
What the hell did you just do, Petite Toots?
PETITE TOOTS
I squinched it. That’s what we always do with spiders in America.
MEGAN
But I thought you said you were going to use tact, diplomacy and subtlety on her?
PETITE TOOTS
I did. That’s tact, diplomacy and subtlety, the American way.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Now why didn’t I think of that?
MEGAN
Because you’re the Queen of the Dingleberry-Tribe.
THE DOCTOR
That explains the U.S. sporting motto, “It’s not how you play the game that counts. But whether you win or lose!”
PETITE TOOTS
How dare you! I hope you’re not suggesting that Americans cheat at sports?
THE DOCTOR
Now why would I suggest that? Just because the New York Yacht Club allowed Mike Connors to beat the latest New Zealand challenge by using canons to sink the Kiwi yacht.
PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
That wasn’t cheating! They found an old rulebook from 1625 that clearly stated, “Canons may be used if necessary to sink vessels challenging you during the race”.
MEGAN
Yes, but if you take a close look at the fine print of that edition, you’ll find that it makes special mention to Morgan the Pirate and Black Beard.
(Half a beat.)
Not that you should use canons to sink challengers in the Regatta itself.
PETITE TOOTS (Insistent.)
I don’t care. The rule has never been cancelled, so it wasn’t cheating to use it.
THE DOCTOR
Anyway, let’s get back to the Retardis and get out of here. Before the giant spiders come looking for their queen.
They turn and walk out of the cave.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
Turdlow is standing by the consul looking glum.
The door opens inwards with a SLAM and Petite Toots enters followed by the Doctor, then Megan.
PETITE TOOTS (Pointing.)
There’s the yellow coward now!
Turdlow hangs his head in shame.
MEGAN
Looks like he’s upset about something.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, he never even told me to fuck off.
TURDLOW
Of course I’m upset. I let you all down by running away. Because of me, you might have all been killed.
Megan, Petite Toots, and the Doctor all exchange looks.
THE DOCTOR
Just leave this to me.
(She walks over to put an arm around Turdlow’s shoulders.)
Cheer up, Turdlow. Okay, you let us all down and could have got us killed. But don’t blame yourself for that.
(Half a beat.)
We’re used to the fact that you’re a gutless coward. I mean okay, so maybe the average eunuch has more balls than you. But that isn’t your fault.
(Half a beat.)
Maybe Pamela Anderson is more man than you’ll ever be. But nobody blames you for that. Maybe John Bobbit has more swinging between his legs than you do.
(Half a beat.)
But who cares about that? It’s just a cruel caprice of nature that some men have no courage, guts, or intestinal fortitude.
TURDLOW
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He breaks away from the Doctor and races out into the corridor RHS of SHOT, screaming as he runs.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Where’s he going?
MEGAN
At a guess to try to hang himself with his own tie.
She races across the consul room and out into the corridor.
PETITE TOOTS
The way he always does after you try to cheer him up.
She races across the consul room and out into the corridor.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
I wonder why?
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — AS BEFORE
Everyone standing before the bench, watching the viewer-screen.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Come off it, that’s a false image.
TURDLOW
Yes, none of that ever happened.
PETITE TOOTS
Besides we dumped Megan before ever meeting Turdlow. So how can Megan and Turdlow both be with the Doctor and me?
VANGUARD
That was an image from the future. After you meet up with Megan again.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Oh no! Just when we thought we were rid of her forever!
THE DOCTOR
That isn’t fair, how am I supposed to defend my actions for things I haven’t done yet?
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, she has enough trouble remembering what she did at breakfast time today.
TURDLOW
Let alone expecting her to remember into the future.
VANGUARD
Very well, Doctor, see if you remember this adventure.
They turn to look at the viewer-screen again.
EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS — LARGE SPACESHIP
is slowly approaching, travelling across SHOT, from RHS.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis appears in space on a collision course with the spaceship.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR,
MEGAN, & Petite Toots staring at spaceship on viewer-screen.
PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN
Doctor, we’re going to crash!
THE DOCTOR
Relax dudes and dudettes, I’ll just dematerialise the Retardis.
The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the image of the spaceship vanishes from their viewer-screen.
INT. SPACESHIP, CARGO HOLD — LIT
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis appears, the door opens and the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Megan step out.
MEGAN (Looking around.)
Doctor, where are we?
THE DOCTOR
In the cargo hold of that spaceship by the looks of things.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, this spaceship seemed to be on a random flight path before we almost hit it.
THE DOCTOR
How would you know, you teensy-weensy Tyrannosaurus?
MEGAN
Doctor, she’s been with you long enough to recognise what a spaceship on a random flight path looks like.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up and follow me.
The Doctor turns and walks across to a door and presses a button.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — DOOR OPENS AND THE DOCTOR,
Petite Toots, and Megan step out.
THE DOCTOR
Just follow me.
She turns left and starts walking down the corridor.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — A LITTLE LATER, THE DOCTOR,
Petite Toots, and Megan appear and stare at half-a-dozen corpses lying in the corridor.
MEGAN
Oh my God, what could have happened?
PETITE TOOTS
Maybe the ship was raided by space pirates.
THE DOCTOR
That would explain it being in random flight.
They start down the corridor again.
INT. FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN
and the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Megan enter and stare at more corpses lying around the floor and draped across the flight consuls.
MEGAN
My God, who’s flying this jalopy?
PETITE TOOTS
Relax, we won’t crash, the Retardis does okay with no one in control.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Hey, I resent that, you knee-height Neanderthal. And for your information, Megan, this ship is most likely on autopilot.
They all walk across and starts examining the controls.
THE DOCTOR
Damn, now where is that autopilot?
MEGAN (Pointing at consul.)
Could it be this one that says, “auto-pilot”?
THE DOCTOR (Scanning controls for a moment.)
Oh yeah, you’re probably right. Well, everything seems to be working all right.
MEGAN
Then what’ll we do?
THE DOCTOR
Explore the rest of the ship, I suppose, to see if there are any survivors anywhere.
The Doctor starts toward the door to the corridor, with Megan and Petite Toots not far behind her.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT
DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN & THE DOCTOR, Petite Toots, and Megan step out and look about.
MEGAN
Do you think there is anyone left alive aboard this freighter?
THE DOCTOR
Unlikely.
FOOTSTEPS BEHIND them.
They turn round and see a soldier pointing a laser-rifle at them.
SOLDIER stares at them, and then lowers his rifle.
SOLDIER
Who…
(Half a beat.)
Who are you? When I heard your footsteps, I thought you were those horrible plant things.
PETITE TOOTS
What horrible plant things?
SOLDIER
Big, leafy, green and pink plant monsters the size of a tall man. Dr Drysdale brought them aboard, in giant pods. She said they were harmless seedpods she had engineered and would solve world hunger. But two days into outer space they broke free, wrecked the bio-storage room, then murdered all the crew and ate most of them.
MEGAN (Angry.)
Look, knock off the plot summary, dingle.
PETITE TOOTS
I don’t know, it gets the film moving at a brisk pace anyway.
THE DOCTOR
You said they ate most of the crew?
SOLDIER
Only their heads…
(Half a beat.)
For some reason….
FOOTSTEPS BEHIND them.
Soldier stares in horror back over the Doctor’s shoulder.
SOLDIER
Oh no, it is those horrible plant things!
The Doctor, Megan, and Petite Toots spin round and stare at three, seven-foot tall plant creatures, Vervods, standing in the corridor.
PETITE TOOTS
They’re pretty.
A large vine shoots out of the nearest Vervod, wraps round Soldier’s neck and rips his head of with one tug.
As Soldier’s body falls to the floor, the vine retracts quickly and carries Soldier’s head back to the Vervod, whose leafy “head” opens to receive Soldier’s head, which it swallows with a LOUD GULP.
Megan and the Doctor look horrified.
MEGAN
As the fly said before landing on the Venus Fly-Trap!
PETITE TOOTS
Venus Fly-Traps are pretty too.
VERVOD LEADER
Now we shall kill and eat you three. You horrible plant-eaters.
PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
How dare you, I am not a plant-eater! I’m a meat-eater! I never eat yucky vegetables or fruit of any kind.
VERVOD LEADER
What about your American delicacy, French fries?
PETITE TOOTS
Oh well, French fries are different. All kids eat those! I mean what’s a thick, juicy T-bone steak unless it’s surrounded by yummy French fries?
(Vervods start to look sick.)
Cooked in natural vegetable oil, of course. And natch with a generous amount of mushroom-sauce on the steak. With maybe a slice or two of fresh-baked whole-wheat bread. And natural margarine made from healthy sunflower seeds and canola oil.
VERVOD LEADER
Shut up, you pip-squeak philistine!
VERVOD LEADER turns round and makes VOMITING NOISE.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Was it something I said?
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, and…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out, everybody!
The Doctor takes off down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
Megan and Petite Toots take off down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS retreating as they all vanish down the corridors.
THE DOCTOR O/S
Damn!
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS approaching, then Megan and Petite Toots reappear from the corridor to RHS of SHOT, and the Doctor reappears from the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s go!
The Doctor takes off down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.
Megan and Petite Toots take off down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS as they vanish down the corridors.
THE DOCTOR O/S
Damn!
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS approaching then Megan and Petite Toots reappear from the corridor to RHS of SHOT, and the Doctor reappears from the corridor to LHS of SHOT,
The Doctor takes off down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
Megan and Petite Toots take off down the corridor to RHS of SHOT, but the Doctor hooks her arms through theirs and pulls them both around to her direction, so they all run down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
This way, dingles.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS retreating as they all vanish down the corridor.
VERVOD LEADER
After them my Vervods. Stamp out and behead the plant-eaters!
Vervods start shuffling to LHS of SHOT.
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS, &
Megan all racing down the corridor to LHS of SHOT.
MEGAN (Between pants.)
Where are we going, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Back to the cargo hold.
PETITE TOOTS
To escape in the Retardis?
THE DOCTOR
No. I saw some giant canisters of plant-killer there.
PETITE TOOTS
Great thinking, Doc.
INT. CARGO HOLD — LIT — RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
then the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Megan race in through the doorway.
THE DOCTOR
Over there.
She points to half-a-dozen large drums, which have chemical symbols on them, plus the words, “DANGER! PLANT POISON! HIGHLY TOXIC!”
INT. CARGO HOLD — LIT — TEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor, Petite Toots, and Megan are now wearing backpacks with nozzles to spray the toxic poison onto the Vervods.
THE DOCTOR
Are you both ready?
MEGAN
Yes.
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
Okay, let’s go uproot some oversized weeds!
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — AS BEFORE
Everyone standing before the bench, watching the viewer-screen.
VANGUARD
“Let’s go uproot some oversized weeds!” thus spake this innocent child as they were about to go out to commit an act of genocide. The annihilation of an entire species. See how corrupting the Doctor’s influence is.
TURDLOW
No way, she’s always been a psychopathic little pip-squeak.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, after all she’s been watching eight hours of American TV a day since she was born. So don’t blame me for her genocidal tendencies.
Vanguard and Veruka exchange a puzzled look.
VANGUARD
Oh well…
(Half a beat.)
All right, I’ll concede that maybe you aren’t to blame for her conduct. But that still doesn’t let you off the hook for your own conduct.
THE DOCTOR
Rubbish, we were fighting for our lives.
PETITE TOOTS
And for the lives of plant-eaters everywhere.
TURDLOW
Besides they said in that clip that those Vervod things were biologically engineered by that Dr Drysdale woman. So they weren’t a natural species to begin with.
THE DOCTOR
Exactly. My reputation for tact, diplomacy and subtlety is famous the universe over. Especially when it comes to dealing with potentially ferocious alien species.
VANGUARD (Sarcastic.)
Oh really, Doctor. Then perhaps you’d care to explain this early alien encounter.
They turn round to stare at the viewer-screen.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — ABRICK,
& Thickie are standing by the flight consul watching while the Doctor uses her psychic-screwdriver to fix the consul.
ABRICK is in his late teens, short, with black hair, and is interested only in sex. He has only recently start travelling with the Doctor and Thickie, and is forever trying to have sex with Thickie.
THICKIE is centuries old, but looks like a teenager; and has been travelling with the Doctor for hundreds of years. Like Abrick she is a self-interested airhead.
ABRICK
Could the Retardis have been affected by the tangential realignment vector matrix coming out of G-space, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Possibly…
(Half a beat.)
Either that, or something’s gone wrong again.
Thickie and Abrick exchange a puzzled look.
THICKIE
Brilliant, Doctor. And here I was thinking you didn’t know what you were talking about.
ABRICK
Now you know it.
The Doctor slides a circuit board back into place then puts away the psychic-screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up being sarky, both of you.
The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY as the Retardis starts up.
The Doctor adjusts some dials on the consul and the viewer-screen behind her activates, as they all turn round to watch the screen.
On the screen is a large passenger liner, cutting diagonally across their path.
EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS
A small spaceship suddenly appears in front of the liner on a collision course.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
THICKIE
Doctor, they’re going to crash.
EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS
Yellow light beam shoots from the front of the small spaceship, hitting the front of the liner, causing a small EXPLOSION.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — AS BEFORE
THICKIE
What’s going on?
ABRICK
Raiders. They must have valuable cargo aboard.
THICKIE
What’ll we do, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Get out of here, before we get raided too.
The Doctor turns and starts pressing consul controls.
THICKIE (Insistent.)
Doctor, we can’t just abandon them to the raiders.
ABRICK
Why not, who are they to us?
THE DOCTOR
Quiet you despicable coward.
(Sighing from frustration.)
Oh, all right, we’ll go in and see if we can help them against the raiders.
The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS — SPACE LINER
fires its own lasers and the small raider EXPLODES as the Retardis suddenly vanishes.
INT. SPACE LINER, PASSENGER DECK — DAY
ALARMS ARE BLARING and passengers are running about wildly screaming and crashing into each other in their panic.
Officers and crewmembers are doing their best to calm them down, but without success.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY.
The Retardis appears, the doors open and the Doctor, Abrick, and Thickie step out. They stand watching the panic for a moment.
The Doctor starts hunting through her large, cloth bag, pulling out various odds and sods: three deck chairs, a yo-yo, a bowl of grapes, an inflated beach ball, a watermelon and three pineapples, a potted rubber plant, et cetera. Finally she pulls out a large loudhailer.
THE DOCTOR
This ought to do the trick.
(Through loud-hailer.)
Calm down everybody. There is nothing to be afraid of. We are just going through a little space turbulence. Nothing is wrong with the spaceship.
Passengers stop rioting and turn to face the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Through megaphone.)
You are in absolutely no danger. So please go about your business, enjoying yourselves and do not be alarmed.
The passengers all look relieved.
OLD WOMAN
Thank God for that.
The passengers start calmly walking away in different directions.
THICKIE
I think, the Doctor has won them over.
Three of the spaceship’s officers walk across to the Doctor, Abrick, and Thickie.
1ST OFFICER
I don’t know who you are, madam, but you’ve saved us from a potentially disastrous riot.
2ND OFFICER
Yes, whoever you are, you certainly seem to inspire confidence in people.
ABRICK
Now if only someone could inspire some competency in the Doc.
THE DOCTOR
My name is the Doctor.
She shakes hands with 1ST OFFICER, then 2ND OFFICER.
2ND OFFICER (Pointing at Abrick & Thickie.)
And who are they?
THE DOCTOR
Oh they’re both stowaways, you can lock them up in the brig.
3RD OFFICER moves toward Thickie and Abrick.
ABRICK/THICKIE
Doctor!
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
All right, already, nag! Nag! Nag! Actually I was kidding, they’re travelling companions of mine.
ABRICK
So what’s going on here?
1ST OFFICER (Unconvincingly.)
Going on? Why nothing. As the Doctor said, just a little space turbulence.
THICKIE
Don’t try that line on us, we saw the space raiders nuke the helm of this liner.
1ST OFFICER
All right we’ll come clean. The front of the ship was blown out killing all the flight crew, before we launched a neutron missile to destroy the raiders.
(Half a beat.)
The ship’s auto-repair circuits are well on the way to fixing things and we’ve managed to get the autopilot on.
(Half a beat.)
But there’s no one left alive who knows how to fly this crate to get us to the nearest habitable planet.
ABRICK/THICKIE
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah!
Abrick and Thickie start running about wildly, crashing into things, waving their arms about and screaming.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Calm down, dammit. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m a skilled space-pilot.
Abrick and Thickie stop and stare at the Doctor.
ABRICK
Spaced-out pilot more like it.
THE DOCTOR (To 1st Officer.)
Take me to your helm. As soon as life-support has been restored there, I can fly us to the nearest planet.
1ST OFFICER (Relieved.)
Thank God for that.
He turns and starts toward a corridor, LHS of SHOT with the Doctor and the others following him.
INT. SPACE LINER, FLIGHT DECK — LIT — DOOR WHOOSHES
open and the Doctor enters followed by Thickie, Abrick, 1st Officer, and 2nd Officer.
They walk across to the flight consul, where there is a great array of buttons, knobs, dials, and flashing lights.
THE DOCTOR (Sitting at consul.)
Now the first thing to do is turn off the autopilot.
The Doctor pushes a button and the spaceship lurches wildly, throwing them all to the floor.
ABRICK
Doctor, you great dingleberry!
THE DOCTOR
Relax, I’ll just put autopilot on again.
The Doctor pulls herself up into the pilot’s seat and slams a thumb against the autopilot button. However the button will not push down again.
Behind her Abrick and Thickie climb back to their feet and hold onto the back of the Doctor’s chair to stop from being pitched to the floor again.
THICKIE
Doctor, what’s wrong?
THE DOCTOR
The damn autopilot won’t reactivate. You might need to key in some kind of command word first.
THICKIE (Hysterical.)
Doctor, what’ll we do?
THE DOCTOR
Relax, Thickie, I’ll just do what I do with the Retardis.
(Pressing buttons and clicking switches at a furious pace.)
Start pushing buttons and fiddling with knobs and switches until something happens.
ALARM STARTS BLARING. “DANGER! DANGER!” starts
flashing on the viewer-screen in front of them.
ABRICK
Aaaaaaaaaaah! Quick give me a hand to get her away from there, before she evacuates the oxygen supply.
Abrick and Thickie grab the Doctor and try to pull her away from the flight consul.
THICKIE (Shouting.)
I knew it, I knew it! I knew she didn’t really know how to fly the Retardis!
THE DOCTOR (Shrugging them off.)
Relax, guys and guyettes, I know what I’m doing, now. Just watch the screen.
The Doctor points toward the overhead viewer-screen, where a yellowy planet is starting to increase in size as they approach it.
THE DOCTOR
Let me set in the co-ordinates then settle down for a perfect four-point landing.
EXT. DEEP SPACE — DARKNESS — SPACE LINER
is slowly approaching a large, yellowy planet.
As liner hits the atmosphere, it suddenly plummets at a frightening pace.
INT. SPACE LINER, FLIGHT DECK — DAY — AS BEFORE
Thickie & Abrick are both screaming in terror.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
Relax, we’re in for a safe, four-point landing.
On viewer-screen yellow planet is now racing toward them.
EXT. YELLOW PLANET — DAY — LARGE BOULDERS, AND
ROCKY CRAGS LOOMING UP TOWARD SPACE LINER
as liner races toward the surface of the planet.
Space liner hits a large rocky outcrop sending dust flying everywhere as the liner lurches wildly and starts to spin round sideways.
INT. SPACE LINER, FLIGHT DECK — DAY — THE DOCTOR,
Thickie, and Abrick are all lying unconscious on the “floor”, which is actually the ceiling.
Abrick and the Doctor start to moan as they come around. They both sit up, and then crawl across to examine Thickie who is still unconscious.
THE DOCTOR
See, a perfect four-point landing.
ABRICK (Looking about.)
Then what happened to the flight consuls?
The Doctor looks about and sees they seem to be in an empty room.
Thickie finally stirs, with her head cradled in the Doctor’s arms, looking up at the ceiling.
THICKIE
And what is all that stuff on the ceiling?
The Doctor and Abrick look up and see flight consuls, computer-banks, et cetera all upside down above their heads.
THE DOCTOR
Damn! All right, almost a perfect four-point landing.
ABRICK
Anyway let’s go out and have a look around the planet.
THICKIE
Yes, before the passengers and crew murder the Doctor for saying she knew how to fly this crate.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I’m not scared of the passengers and crew.
ABRICK
Yeah, they’re probably all dead anyway, after that landing.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up!
INT. CORRIDOR — LIT — DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN
and the Doctor, Thickie, and Abrick exit and start looking about the corridors.
SCREAMING FROM RHS of SHOT.
The Doctor, Thickie, and Abrick turn round and see the passengers and crew racing toward them carrying items of furniture as weapons.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing toward LHS of SHOT.)
Something tells me this way….
The Doctor looks round and sees Thickie and Abrick already racing down the corridor to LHS Of SHOT.
THE DOCTOR
Wait for me, you despicable cowards and cowardettes!
Doctor starts racing down the corridor after Thickie and Abrick.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE:
ACT TWO:
FADE IN:
EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN BESIDE CRASHED LINER — DAY
Thickie, Abrick, then the Doctor come charging out of the upside-down space liner and race across toward a group of large boulders.
THE DOCTOR
With any luck, we ought to be able to lose them in those boulders.
EXT. ROCKY TERRAIN — DAY — THICKIE
is walking cautiously around a giant boulder when she comes face-to-face with a four-foot high, reptilian alien.
THICKIE
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
THE DOCTOR O/S
What’s wrong?
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then the Doctor and Abrick race up from behind Thickie, stop, and stare at the reptilian alien.
Thickie races back behind the Doctor and Abrick.
THE DOCTOR
Don’t panic, Thickie, just back away from it very slowly and try not to startle it.
SMALL ALIEN SQUEALS IN TERROR.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS and a seven-foot tall reptilian alien races up and stares in amazement at the Doctor, Thickie, and Abrick.
Small Alien races back to stand behind LARGE ALIEN.
LARGE ALIEN makes SHRILL SQUEALING, subtitled.
LARGE ALIEN
Don’t be afraid, dear. Just back away from them very slowly and try not to startle them or they might eat us.
The Doctor, Thickie, and Abrick back around the boulder to RHS of SHOT.
Small Alien and Large Alien back around the boulder to LHS of SHOT.
MOVING SHOT following the Doctor, Thickie, and Abrick as they back around the boulder until the two aliens are out of sight.
THICKIE
Do you think it’s safe yet, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
No, we’d better keep going till we’re well away from them.
They keep backing around the boulder until reaching the back of it.
Small Alien and Large Alien appear in SHOT backing around the boulder from RHS of SHOT.
Both groups keep backing round the boulder, until the Doctor and Large Alien back into each other and both spin round in shock.
THE DOCTOR
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
She faints and crashes to the ground, sending up a puff of dust.
Large Alien lets out SHRILL SQUEALING, subtitled.
LARGE ALIEN
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Large Alien faints and crashes to the ground, sending up a great puff of dust over Small Alien, Thickie, and Abrick, making them cough.
Small Alien, Thickie, and Abrick stare at each other for a moment, and then all shrug.
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — THE DOCTOR,
Turdlow, and the others are standing before the bench, watching the viewer-screen.
VANGUARD
Well, Doctor, how do you explain that?
THE DOCTOR
Well, as a great man once said…
(Half a beat.)
Shit happens.
TURDLOW
Yes, but why does it always happen when you’re around?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, Doctor, after that little episode there can be no doubt at all that you know absolutely nothing about time-travel. Or how to deal calmly and rationally with exotic aliens.
VANGUARD
Up until now, Doctor, you have managed to pull the wool over all our eyes with your claims of expertise in time-travel. But at last it seems as though your number is up.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Nonsense!
TURDLOW (Looking up & behind Doctor.)
Actually, Doctor, she’s right. Isn’t your number seven-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three?
The Doctor turns round and sees the number 7983 hovering behind her.
The Doctor looks down and sees Petite Toots standing on a chair holding up a white card with the number 7983 printed on it.
THE DOCTOR
Stop that, you prehistoric prenet!
She grabs Petite Toots and pulls her off the chair.
VANGUARD
Then there was that disgraceful debacle with the Key to Time-Travel, Doctor.
They all turn to watch the viewer-screen again.
INT. TUNNELS — DARK — MEGAN, TURDLOW,
the Doctor, and Swan-Li, a young Vietnamese girl, are standing a few metres away from a young man holding what looks like a plastic wand.
SWAN-LI is about sixteen, short, a bit of a bimbo, but braver than some of the Doctor’s other companions.
TURDLOW
What’ll we do, Doctor? If we can’t get the time-wand from him, we can’t track down the missing segment of the Key to Time-Travel.
SWAN-LI
Couldn’t we all rush him, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
No, we can’t risk damaging the time-wand.
MEGAN
Leave it to me, Doc.
Megan starts inching across toward the YOUNG MAN.
THE DOCTOR
How will you get it back?
MEGAN
I’ll use diplomacy on him.
Megan continues to inch toward Young Man, till she is within arms reach.
Then she punches him in the belly then the face.
Young Man grunts and collapses, dropping the time-wand, which Megan picks up.
SWAN-LI
I thought you said you were going to use diplomacy on him?
MEGAN
I did, that’s diplomacy Queensland-style.
SWAN-LI (Amazed.)
Oh, I see.
THE DOCTOR
Now which way is the wand pointing?
Megan moves the wand around until it starts humming.
MEGAN (Pointing.)
Deeper into the tunnels.
THE DOCTOR
Well, come on, but we’d better be careful. There are supposed to be giant rats living in these tunnels.
Looking very nervous now, they all start down the tunnels.
INT. TUNNEL — DARK — TEN MINUTES LATER, THE DOCTOR,
and companions are still inching anxiously through the tunnel.
RAT-LIKE SQUEAKING TO THEIR LEFT O/S.
MEGAN
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
They all spin round looking terrified and see three small brown rats.
SWAN-LI
They don’t look so terrifying, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
They’re not the ones you have to look out for.
SWAN-LI
Then which ones are?
LION-LIKE ROARING behind them.
They turn round and see a gigantic rat towering over them.
THE DOCTOR
Since you asked…
(Half a beat.)
Those ones.
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!
He turns and races into the nearest cave entrance.
After a moment Swan-Li, Megan, and the Doctor start after him.
BELLOWING LIKE A LION the giant rat starts after them.
INT. TUNNEL — DARK — TEN MINUTES LATER, TURDLOW,
Swan-Li, Megan, and the Doctor run into SHOT from RHS.
After a second, still BELLOWING the giant rat runs into SHOT behind them.
MOVING SHOT following Turdlow and the others as they race through the tunnel, until reaching the Retardis.
MEGAN (Pointing.)
Look, the Retardis.
THE DOCTOR
Everybody inside!
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — TURDLOW
races in through the doorway, closely followed by Swan-Li, Megan, then the Doctor.
The Doctor races over and turns a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
THE DOCTOR
We ought to be safe in here.
Suddenly the Retardis lurches wildly and starts to rock from side-to-side.
INT. TUNNEL — DARK — GIANT RAT PICKS UP
the Retardis and starts carrying it in its mouth.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
the others standing by the consul, watching giant rat through viewer-screen.
MEGAN
You had to speak too soon, didn’t you, Doc?
SWAN-LI
Oh my God, what’ll we do?
THE DOCTOR
Relax, all we have to do is calm it down.
TURDLOW
How do we do that?
THE DOCTOR
They say music soothes the savage beast.
MEGAN
Do we have any music aboard the Retardis?
SWAN-LI (Holding up a mini-CD.)
Only one of the Doctor’s classical music CDs.
THE DOCTOR
Well, quickly, put it on.
Swan-Li puts the mini-CD into a slot on the Retardis consul and presses a yellow button.
INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE THE RETARDIS — DARK
The giant rat is carrying the Retardis in its mouth, when classical music starts pouring out of speakers at the top of the Retardis.
The rat drops the Retardis on its side and starts BELLOWING in rage.
It grabs one of the speakers in its mouth and rips it off the top of the Retardis and starts chewing the speaker.
Then it tears off the second speaker and chews it to shreds also.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
the others lying on the floor, which is really the side wall, watching the giant rat on the viewer-screen.
TURDLOW
Oh my God, why did it do that?
MEGAN
I guess it must be a music-lover.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Megan.
The time-wand, which Megan is holding, suddenly starts HUMMING.
SWAN-LI
Hey, Doc, look. According to the time-wand the sixth piece of the Key to Time-Travel should be very close nearby.
THE DOCTOR (Taking time-wand.)
In that case, I think I know how to deal with our outsized rodent problem.
INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE RETARDIS — DARK — GIANT RAT
is still chewing the second speaker, when the Doctor and Swan-Li slide out of the door to the Retardis, which is still on its side.
SWAN-LI
What are you going to do, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Trust me…
(Half a beat.)
For a change.
Seeing the Doctor and Swan-Li the giant rat BELLOWS with rage, abandons the speaker and charges toward them.
SWAN-LI (Terrified.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah, it’s attacking, Doctor! It’s attacking!
The rat races right up to the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Down, boy!
The Doctor taps the rat on the nose with the time-wand.
GREAT EXPLOSION and the giant rat is reduced to a fine mist, which swirls round before them for a moment, before rematerialising into the shape of a jagged, Perspex polygon.
SWAN-LI
The sixth part of the Key to Time-Travel?
THE DOCTOR (Holding out a hand to catch it.)
Now we have nothing to worry about from giant rats.
SWAN-LI
But isn’t there more than one giant rat in these tunnels, Doctor?
BELLOWING behind them.
Swan-Li and the Doctor turn round and see three more giant rats starting toward them.
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Chicken out, Swan-Li!
Swan-Li and the Doctor turn and race back toward the Retardis and slide in through the doorway.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
Swan-Li slide back in through the doorway.
The Doctor races over to turn a knob on the consul.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
THE DOCTOR
We ought to be safe now.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — RETARDIS
is now righted.
Turdlow and Megan are examining the first five pieces of the Key to Time-Travel which has been assembled to leave one bit missing, into which is a piece of brown plastic used as an artificial sixth piece.
SWAN-LI
Now how do we take out the dummy sixth segment and replace it with the real one, without destroying the universe?
THE DOCTOR
Very, very carefully, that’s how.
Turdlow and the Doctor start very slowly removing the dummy sixth segment.
MEGAN
Here, let me, Doc. Just pull the damn thing out!
Megan grabs the dummy sixth segment and rips it out.
The Key to Time-Travel shatters and the five parts go flying across the Retardis consul room.
The Doctor, Turdlow, and Swan-Li stare at Megan in horror.
MEGAN
To coin a phrase, “Whoops!”
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — AS BEFORE
Everyone standing before the bench, watching the viewer-screen.
THE DOCTOR
That was Megan’s fault not mine. Besides the whole universe didn’t really blow up.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Only because the Time-Dorks had been smart enough to suspect you’d botch such a vital mission. So they sent Smethurst along to help you if a crisis occurred.
VANGUARD
However, there was that other time when you blew up the entire universe.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
When was that?
VANGUARD
When you accidentally caused the Big-Bang and blew up the old universe. Killings trillions of entire species. And at the same time you created this new universe, which we’re living in now.
THE DOCTOR (Inspiration-struck.)
Oh, that time. Jesus, I didn’t think anyone remembered that anymore.
(To Turdlow.)
One little mistake and they never let you live it down.
(To Vanguard.)
Look, okay, so I’ve been involved in one or two minor catastrophes…
(Half a beat.)
Maybe. But I defy you to name one more!
VANGUARD (Considering a moment.)
Well, now, let me see.
(Puzzled.)
There must be one more…?
PETITE TOOTS
Well, there was that despicable incident when Doc tried to sell Queensland, Mexico and California to the Sylvanians.
VANGUARD
Oh yes, of course. Thank you for reminding me. I had completely forgotten that despicable incident.
TURDLOW
I don’t remember that?
PETITE TOOTS
It was after we dumped Megan, but before we rescued you.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I did not try to sell Queensland, Mexico and California to the Sylvanians…
(Half a beat.)
I merely suggested to the Brigadier that they were all expendable, okay.
They all turn to watch the viewer-screen again.
INT. UNDERGROUND CAVES — DARK — TWO MINERS
are walking along when they are confronted by a tall, manlike reptile.
1ST MINER
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He pulls a gun from his belt and starts shooting at the reptile.
The reptile ROARS its rage and races forward to grab him around the waist, lift him off the ground, and break his back with a loud SNAP.
2ND MINER
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
He turns and starts racing wildly through the cave.
INT. WORKSHOP-CUM-GARAGE — DAY — THE DOCTOR
is lying on her back on the ground, under a red vintage car. She is using her psychic-screwdriver to adjust the car.
The garage door swings open and SLAMS INTO THE WALL, then Petite Toots enters.
Petite Toots SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, then walks up to the car and kicks the sole of one of the Doctor’s feet to get her attention.
The Doctor slides out from under the vintage car.
PETITE TOOTS
Hey, dingle, who dumped the scrap-metal in our workshop?
THE DOCTOR (Standing.)
How dare you, this is a classic, vintage car.
PETITE TOOTS
You’re kidding? I’ve seen lawnmowers that were more classic than this pile of junk…
(Half a beat.)
And they probably had more powerful motors to boot.
THE DOCTOR (Patting car’s bonnet.)
Don’t listen to her, Betsy.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Who ya talking to, Doc? Don’t tell me you’re hearing voices again.
(Straight at camera.)
This is almost as bad as when she was talking in tongues awhile back.
THE DOCTOR
Wrack off! Betsy is the name that I’ve given to this pile of scrap…
(Half a beat.)
Er, um, that is, this classic, vintage car.
PETITE TOOTS (Shaking head.)
If you ask me, the Edsel was more of a classic, vintage car than this. And probably sold more as well.
Phone on the wall STARTS RINGING.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up! And answer the phone.
PETITE TOOTS
Okie doke.
Petite Toots walks across and climbs up onto a stool so she can reach the phone, and takes the receiver off the hook.
PETITE TOOTS (Into phone.)
Hello…
(Half a beat.)
Yes, that’s right…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yeah, okay. Yes, okay, I’ll tell her.
Petite Toots hangs up and climbs down off the stool.
THE DOCTOR
Who was that?
PETITE TOOTS
Wrong number.
THE DOCTOR
Then what was all that, “Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
Yes…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Ah ha…
(Half a beat.)
I see…
(Half a beat.)
Yeah, okay” business about?
PETITE TOOTS (Reluctantly.)
Okay, it was the Brigadier. He’s got some trouble down at a nuclear power station in Scotland, and he wants your help to fix it.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s go.
PETITE TOOTS (Looking round.)
Where did you park the Retardis, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
I’ve dismantled the drive consul for an overhaul.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Then how we supposed to get to Scotland?
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at the car.)
We’ll go in Betsy.
PETITE TOOTS (Amazed.)
In this piece of space-junk?
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you! Now just get in!
PETITE TOOTS
Okay, but wait till I get my raincoat.
She walks over and takes a plastic-Mac down off a hook on the wall as the Doctor climbs into the driver’s seat.
THE DOCTOR
Why do you need a raincoat, it’s bright and sunny out?
PETITE TOOTS (Walking back to the car.)
Yeah, but I thought I could put it over my head when we were driving along. Then no one would know who I am.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
No one knows who you are now, you knee-height nonentity. Now just get in the damn car!
She leans across the front seat, grabs Petite Toots by the arm and drags her up onto the seat beside her.
THE DOCTOR
Now hitch up your drawers and let’s get going.
The Doctor puts the car into gear and starts driving straight at the garage door as Petite Toots does up her seat belt.
PETITE TOOTS
Aaaaaaaaaaah, we’re gonna crash!
At the last second the garage door swings open outwards by itself and they drive out.
PETITE TOOTS
How did you do that?
THE DOCTOR
That’s for me to know…
(Half a beat.)
And you to forever wonder about.
INT. CORRIDOR, NUCLEAR POWER STATION — LIT
The Doctor, and Petite Toots are standing by a lift talking to the Brigadier, when the lights start blinking and ALARMS BLARING.
THE DOCTOR
What the hell is going on?
THE BRIGADIER
Another power drain, come on.
The Brigadier turns and races down the corridor with the Doctor and Petite Toots not far behind him.
THE BRIGADIER is tall and grey-haired, with a bushy moustache. He is a primly proper, no-nonsense military type who has been working with the Doctor off and on for decades.
INT. REACTOR ROOM — LIT — THE BRIGADIER, THE DOCTOR,
and Petite Toots run in through doorway RHS of SHOT.
DIRECTOR
Begin shutdown procedure immediately.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR
Beginning shutdown procedure. Shutdown section one.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Section one, shutdown.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR
Shutdown section two.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Section two, shutdown.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR
Shutdown section three.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Section three, shutdown.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR
Shutdown section four.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM
Section four, shutdown.
Lights stop blinking and alarms stop blaring.
THE BRIGADIER
Is everything under control?
DIRECTOR
Of course, we’ve just shutdown the reactor.
PETITE TOOTS
But I thought it took twenty-four hours to shutdown a nuclear power-station?
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, dingle, this is a movie damn it! We don’t have twenty-fours hours to spare.
PETITE TOOTS (Apologetic.)
Oh, yes of course. Sorry.
EXPLOSION behind them.
They spin round to see a great hole in the wall and an erect, bipedal reptile, a Sylvanian, entering the reactor room.
SYLVANIAN LEADER
We are the Sylvanians, the original dominant species on this planet. Prepare to be purged from this planet so that we can regain our ownership of it, ape-creatures.
THE DOCTOR
No, listen to me. This planet is big enough for both species to live on it.
DIRECTOR
Besides, if you are reptiles, surely you can only thrive in the hottest, most humid zones on this planet. The places humans least populate?
SYLVANIAN LEADER
Very well. As long as all humans vacate all the hot, humid parts of the world immediately, we will agree to cohabit with humanity on this planet.
THE BRIGADIER (Indignant.)
Now wait just one minute, I can’t make a promise like that!
THE DOCTOR
Now, now, Brigadier, don’t be too hasty. Remember you come from England. One of the coldest parts of the globe. So it’s no skin off your nose if humans have to abandon the tropical zones That’s between the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn: the Northern Territory, Queensland, Papua-New Guinea, Mexico, Texas, California and so on.
THE BRIGADIER
So what?
THE DOCTOR (Whispering.)
So it’s no hassle to you if those poor idiots have to move.
THE BRIGADIER (Shocked.)
Are you suggesting we should sell out our allies and let the Sylvanians have Queensland, Mexico, and California?
THE DOCTOR
You’re from England, so it’s no loss to you.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Doctor, how could you suggest such a thing!
THE BRIGADIER (Considering.)
Hmmmm, Doctor, you could be onto something.
PETITE TOOTS
Brigadier!
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — THE DOCTOR, TURDLOW,
and Petite Toots are standing before the bench.
VANGUARD
Yes, Doctor, how do you justify that treacherous proposal?
THE DOCTOR
Sound business practices. The Brig went for it in the end. So what’s the big duh!
VANGUARD
See the sort of moral degenerate she is!
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Well, Doctor, how do you respond to the Vanguard’s allegations against you?
THE DOCTOR
Like this, your honour.
(Thumbing her nose toward Vanguard/Shouting.)
Get to buggery, you old slag!
TURDLOW
Trust the Doc to always have a subtle, reply to any allegation against her.
VANGUARD
Your honour, the Doctor convicts herself with such a blatant display of loutish violent.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you, I am never violent! And if you don’t take back that vile slander at once…
(Half a beat.)
I’ll beat the living crap out of you!
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Why do we need the Vanguard to convict the Doc? When she’s doing such a great job of it herself?
PRESIDENT VERUKA
And to add to your other short-comings, Doctor, you stopped off for a jaunt at 1998 America recently. After I had personally ordered you to go back through time to defeat Zontag Zeekgrikkian, Supreme Galactic Ruler of the Montagian Fleet and her evil plans to build the world’s first nuclear power stations in 1795 France.
(Half a beat.)
As a consequence Zontag Zeekgrikkian and her lesbian consort, Marie Antoinette, are well on the way to conquering the galaxy and converting all known species to speaking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.
THE DOCTOR (Shrugging.)
So I got a little side-tracked. You can’t expect me to remember everything you order me to do.
PRESIDENT VERUKA (Insistent.)
I can and do. Bailiff, prepare the time-scoop to return the Doctor and her companions to 1795 France.
TURDLOW
Oh great, I’ll have a double-scoop.
PETITE TOOTS
Forget it, we already did that joke in an earlier film.
THE DOCTOR
Forget the time-scoop, we’ll take my Retardis.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
And go joy-riding to the USA again? Or perhaps New Zealand this time? Or Brazil?
THE DOCTOR
I was thinking more in the line of Beta Centauri. But it’s the same basic idea.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
Not likely, Doctor, we’ll send the Retardis to France for your use once you arrive. Bailiff, prepare the time-scoop.
Bailiff holds up a handset and presses a button on the handset and a gigantic ice-cream scoop sweeps down and picks up the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow, then tosses them high into the air.
Doctor, Petite Toots, & Turdlow scream as they are rocketing toward the ceiling.
A second before hitting the ceiling, there is a POP and the Doctor vanishes.
Then a second later Turdlow POPs out of existence before hitting the ceiling.
Petite Toots hits the ceiling headfirst. Then there is a POP and she vanishes.
EXT. GRASSY BANK OF RIVER SEINE — DAY
LOUD POP then the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow reappear a few feet off the ground and land heavily on their backsides.
Petite Toots is rubbing at her forehead.
PETITE TOOTS
How come I was the one who hit the roof before popping out?
The Doctor and the others climb to their feet, rub their backsides and look around themselves. Not far away from them is the Eiffel Tower.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Hey, there’s the Eiffel Tower?
THE DOCTOR
Well, we are in France.
TURDLOW
But the Eiffel Tower wasn’t built until 1889. We were supposed to go back to 1795.
THE DOCTOR
I guess even President Veruka can get his dates wrong.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN O/S
On the contrary, Doctor. Right time, wrong reality line.
The Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow spin round.
Behind them is an army of a hundred or more leather-armoured soldiers, wielding laser-rifles.
In front of whom stands ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN, a tall, thin, crew-cut brunette, and MARIE ANTOINETTE, a tall, willowy bottle-blonde, chewing bubble-gum.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
So, Doctor, what are you doing back in 1795 France?
THE DOCTOR
The same as last time, trying to defeat your evil plans to conquer the world and convert the universe to speaking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
God, Doctor, you disgust me! Not only do you attempt to foil my evil plans…
(Half a beat.)
Twice now. But you can’t even master the grammar of Zontakian Grikkelspiek.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I said it properly!
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Like Hell you did! It’s only Grikkelspiek in the infinitive. The present participle is Grikkelspook. The past participle is Grikkelspake. And the past tense is Grikkelspaken…
(Half a beat.)
So you spiek Grikkelspiek, are spooking Grikkelspook, have spooken Grikkelspake, and have been spaking Grikkelspaken.
MARIE ANTOINETTE (Bimbo voice.)
See, it’s easy, sugar.
THE DOCTOR
For God’s sake, somebody shut the crew-cutted bitch up before she bores the cinema audience to tears with all her nerdy scientific mumbo-jumbo.
PETITE TOOTS
Do you want to knee her, Turdlow, or shall I?
Turdlow takes a coin out of his pocket and flips it.
PETITE TOOTS
Heads!
TURDLOW
Heads it is. Your honour.
Petite Toots storms across toward Zontag Zeekgrikkian.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian aims a laser-rifle at Petite Toots’s face from one inch away.
Petite Toots squeals in terror, turns and runs back to hide behind the Doctor.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN (Aiming laser-rifle at them.)
Well, I guess this is goodbye, Doctor!
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then the Retardis materialises just behind the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Waving at Zontag Zeekgrikkian.)
Goodbye.
The Doctor spins round and races into the Retardis, followed by Turdlow and Petite Toots.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis vanishes.
MARIE ANTOINETTE (Bimbo voice.)
They’ve vanished, Zontag darling.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN (Turning to face her generals.)
Well, get after them, dammit!
INSERT — FOOTAGE FROM “THE SILVER-HORNBAG”,
INT. THE BRIGADIER’S OFFICE — DAY
The Brigadier is sitting at his desk doing paperwork.
CORPORAL BENSON, a tall thin man in his twenties, is standing beside the desk, sorting files into a metal filing cabinet.
Also in the room are CAPTAIN BATES, also tall and thin, and a young, stacked blonde, JAYNE GRUNT.
EXPLOSION then an image starts to appear on a wall of the office.
THE BRIGADIER
What the hell? This is no time for slide shows, Captain Bates!
CAPTAIN BATES
It’s not one of my slide shows, Brigadier.
The image starts to fade in to show Number Ten Downing Street.
THE BRIGADIER
My God, it looks like Number Ten. Do you think this is a new form of video link-up they’ve invented?
CAPTAIN BATES
I’m not sure, Brig….
A tall, curvaceous woman in her late thirties, painted silver and wearing a long, silver dress, with plunging neckline walks into the image.
THE BRIGADIER
Oh my God, it’s Vivian Vedeau.
JAYNE GRUNT
Who the hell is Vivian Vedeau?
THE BRIGADIER
The most cruel, inhuman, evil woman in the entire galaxy. A seducer of men. A destroyer of nations. A murderess and genocidal maniac on a scale not seen anywhere in the galaxy since the days of Adolph Hitler.
SILVER-HORNBAG (Vivian Vedeau.)
Well, no one’s perfect, Brigadier.
THE BRIGADIER
Trust her to have an infallible answer for any criticisms.
SILVER-HORNBAG
I have erected a force-field around Ten Downing Street and have trapped your prime minister and parliament inside. I will kill them in one week’s time, unless you hand over to me that intergalactic moron who I have sworn to kill before then.
JAYNE GRUNT
Who is she talking about?
CAPTAIN BATES
Do you think she means the Doctor?
THE BRIGADIER
Well, how many other intergalactic morons do we know?
CAPTAIN BATES
Good point, well made, sir.
SILVER-HORNBAG
This is no idle threat. Hand over to me the Doctor within seven days or I will destroy the prime minister and government of this nation.
The image flickers and fades out.
CAPTAIN BATES
What do you think?
JAYNE GRUNT
Well, it would allow this country a fresh start. A chance to get back on its feet again.
INT. LONG, GREEN-WALLED CORRIDOR — DAY
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then the Retardis appears, the doors open and out steps the Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots.
The Brigadier is walking past and sees them.
THE BRIGADIER
Doctor, we’ve got things well in hand now.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
You’ve got things well in hand now?
THE BRIGADIER
With Vivian Vedeau.
THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
Vivian Vedeau? Don’t tell me she’s causing trouble again?
THE BRIGADIER
What do you mean, “again”?
THE DOCTOR
The Silver-Hornbag kidnapped the PM in 1998, putting a force-field around Ten and Twelve Downing Street.
THE BRIGADIER
Exactly. Your plan’s going to schedule.
THE DOCTOR
What plan?
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, the Doctor never uses a plan.
TURDLOW
She just bumbles about blindly till things resolve themselves.
FOOTSTEPS BEHIND Brigadier, then Captain Bates, and Jayne Grunt walk up to them.
THE BRIGADIER
Ah, Captain Bates, what news about the atomic strike on Numbers Ten and Twelve Downing Street?
CAPTAIN BATES
Absolutely atomised London for a radius of twenty miles. Excluding Numbers Ten and Twelve Downing Street.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Now wait just one minute…
(Half a beat.)
All this sounds vaguely familiar.
INT. THE BRIGADIER’S OFFICE — DAY — THICKIE,
ABRICK, & Corporal Benson, in the office sipping tea or coffee and chatting.
The door SLAMS open and Petite Toots enters followed by the Doctor, Turdlow, the Brigadier, Jayne Grunt, and Captain Bates.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
Abrick? Thickie? I haven’t seen you since…?
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S then Megan races in through the door.
PETITE TOOTS
Megan? How did you get here?
MEGAN (Staring at the Doctor.)
Doctor, but…?
PETITE TOOTS
But we dumped you in Brisbane?
MEGAN
Who the hell are you, you diminutive damsel? I’ve never seen you before.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
To coin a phrase, something goofy is going on here.
FOOTSTEPS O/S, then another redheaded Doctor enters.
THE DOCTOR #2
Brigadier I meant to ask you…?
The two Doctors stare at each other.
THE DOCTOR #1/THE DOCTOR #2
Oh no! How did you get here!
TURDLOW
You were right, something goofy is definitely going on here.
EXPLOSION OUTSIDE the window.
EXT. COMPOUND OUTSIDE OFFICE — DAY
A large silvery UFO is landing in the compound.
INT./EXT. THE BRIGADIER’S OFFICE/COMPOUND — DAY
Doctor and the others staring out the window.
MEGAN
A flying saucer.
PETITE TOOTS
She always was quick on the uptake.
MEGAN
Shut up you petite pip-squeak! I’ve already told you, I’ve never met you before.
TURDLOW
Lucky you.
Turdlow walks over and presses his crotch hard against Megan’s backside.
Megan squeals and jumps away from him.
MEGAN
Hey, stop that!
ABRICK
Yeah, only I’m allowed to touch-up Megan’s arse.
MEGAN
Yeah, only he’s allowed…
(Considering a moment.)
Hey wait a minute! No, you’re not!
THE BRIGADIER (Pointing at UFO outside.)
So who’s this coming to invade us now, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR #1
That’s Zontag Zeekgrikkian, the lesbian commander of the Montagian Fleet. Originally she conquered 1795 France and built the world’s first nuclear power stations. So the universe ended up talking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.
THICKIE
Doctor, you do speak a load of nonsense at times.
THE DOCTOR #1
It depends on what you count as nonsense. They say that if you gave typewriters to a room full of monkeys, statistically they’d eventually type out the complete works of William Shakespeare.
PETITE TOOTS
With footnotes.
Megan and Doctor #1 turn to glare at Petite Toots.
THE DOCTOR #1
But in all probability, in a thousand years’ time, they’d still be tapping out gibberish.
MEGAN
And you’d be tapping it out right beside them.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Indignant.)
How dare you!
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, Doc never taps out gibberish…
(Half a beat.)
She talks gibberish. She speaks gibberish. She articulates gibberish. She utters gibberish…
(Half a beat.)
But she never taps it out.
THE DOCTOR #1 (Glaring at her.)
Thank you, Petite Toots.
PETITE TOOTS (Smiling broadly.)
You know you can always count on me to back you up, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, and with a backstop like her, is it any wonder that I never play baseball?
MEGAN
Good point, Doc, well made.
THICKIE/ABRICK/THE BRIGADIER/TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR #2
You said it.
THICKIE
But if this Zontag Zeekgrikkian character conquered 1795 France, what’s she doing here in England in 1998?
PETITE TOOTS
Well, the Time-Dorks shanghaied us and sent us back through time to defeat the Montagian Fleet. Cause the Doc violated the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life after Megan was gunned down by mobsters in 1929 Chicago.
MEGAN
What! All of that it crap! It never happened! And as I said earlier, I’ve never even met you before!
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Doctor, how come Megan has forgotten me?
TURDLOW
You’re an eminently forgettable person.
PETITE TOOTS
And how come she can’t remember being brought back to life in 1929?
THE DOCTOR #1
Because none of that has happened yet. This is an earlier adventure of mine, when I was still travelling with Abrick, and Thickie.
(Pointing at them.)
Before Megan and I saved you from the Saltaran Warriors.
PETITE TOOTS
Sultana Warriors!
THE DOCTOR #1
Don’t start that again!…
(Half a beat.)
So naturally Megan doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
TURDLOW
Don’t worry, Megan, we don’t know what the prehistoric pip-squeak is talking about half the time either.
THE DOCTOR #1
Yes, she does talk a load of shit most of the time.
ABRICK
So what is this Zontakian bimbo doing here in our time?
TURDLOW
She’s chasing the Doctor, Petite Toots and me for interfering with her plans. And stopping her from controlling eighteenth century France.
THICKIE
Oh great, as if we didn’t have enough problems with the Silver-Hornbag terrorising London.
ABRICK
Yeah, without you bringing this Zontakian bimbo here too.
THE DOCTOR #1
Is that a polite way to tell me to bugger off and take my troubles with me?
ABRICK/THE BRIGADIER/JAYNE GRUNT/THICKIE/ BENSON/BATES
Oh no, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR #1
Well, good.
JAYNE GRUNT
It’s a rude way to tell you to bugger-off and take your troubles with you!
ABRICK
So bugger off, Doctor, and take your troubles with you!
THE DOCTOR #1 (Indignant.)
Very well, if that’s how you feel about it.
Doctor #1 turns and strides out through the doorway.
After a second Petite Toots and Turdlow run after her.
INT. GREEN-WALLED CORRIDOR — LIT — THE DOCTOR,
Turdlow, and Petite Toots stride down the corridor toward RHS of SHOT, heading toward the Retardis with Megan, Thickie, and Abrick stopping in the doorway behind them.
Just past the Retardis stands Zontag Zeekgrikkian, Marie Antoinette, and the Montagian Generals.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
There is that redheaded trouble-maker!
PETITE TOOTS
I think she means you, Doctor.
Behind Zontag Zeekgrikkian stands the Silver-Hornbag.
MEGAN (Pointing.)
Look, they’ve joined forces.
THICKIE
I always did think she was a bit suspect.
ABRICK
Yeah, how can you be straight and listen to k.d.lang CDs?
The Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow charge across and race into the Retardis.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian and the Montagian Generals race over and start hammering on the Retardis’ doors.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Break down the doors, my Montagian Generals!
Zontag Zeekgrikkian stands back as three Montagian Generals back up to run at the doors to the Retardis
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT
THE DOCTOR
All right, hitch up your knickers everybody!
The Doctor adjusts some controls on the consul.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY and the Retardis lurches wildly throwing them all to the floor.
INT. GREEN-WALLED CORRIDOR — LIT
The three Montagian Generals race toward the Retardis’s doors.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis vanishes.
The Montagian Generals run through where the Retardis was and crash headfirst into the wall.
They grunt, stagger backwards and fall to the floor unconscious.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Damn! That ginger-headed geekess has escaped again.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian glares contemptuously at her unconscious generals, then turns and strides away down the corridor to RHS of SHOT.
In the doorway LHS of SHOT, Abrick, Thickie, and Megan stand watching Zontag Zeekgrikkian stride away.
ABRICK
Jesus, look at that beautiful arse in motion as she walks!
THICKIE
Shut up, you pervert.
ABRICK
Watch out, or your poor arse will suffer the attack of the slimy, green squiggly thing part seven-thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three!
Thickie squeals and races back into the room with both hands on her backside.
EXT. CLEARING BY A FOREST — DAY
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY, then Retardis appears.
The doors open and the Doctor and company step out.
PETITE TOOTS (Looking round.)
Hey, this place looks familiar. I’m sure we’ve been here before.
THE DOCTOR (Shocked.)
Oh my God, this looks like Brisbane.
TURDLOW
Don’t be a dingle, this is a forest.
RUSTLING IN THE BUSHES behind them.
The Doctor and the others turn round as half-a-dozen spear-wielding natives leap out of the bushes and wave spears at them.
NATIVE KING, who is short and plump, and WITCH DOCTOR, an old man in ceremonial dress, stares at the Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots. They slowly walk round them, clearly puzzled.
KING
What unspeakable travesties against nature. What manner of creatures are these I wonder?
THE DOCTOR (Waving hands above her head.)
We come from a place far far away…
(Half a beat.)
A place where the horizon meets the sky…
(Half a beat.)
A place far beyond the knowing of ordinary men…
(Half a beat.)
A place beyond the stars and on toward heaven itself.
King and Witch Doctor exchange a puzzled look.
WITCH DOCTOR
I think she means they’re space-travellers, my Lord.
THE DOCTOR
Er, exactly.
KING
Oh, I see.
(Pointing with spear.)
That way!
After a second the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow start walking into the forest ahead of the natives.
EXT. NATIVE VILLAGE, OUTSKIRTS — DAY — THE DOCTOR
Petite Toots, and Turdlow walk out of the bushes, followed by the natives.
They are met by a boy of twelve or thirteen, PRINCE.
PRINCE
Who are these people, father?
KING
Demons, we found in the forest, son.
Prince looks Petite Toots, and Turdlow up and down slowly.
PRINCE
They don’t look like demons.
(He looks the doctor up and down.)
Well, apart from that dosey-looking redhead maybe…
(Half a beat.)
What are you going to do with them, father?
KING
Kill them to appease the gods, of course. Take them to the place of execution and behead them all. Especially that redheaded she-devil.
PRINCE (Pointing at Petite Toots.)
Can I keep the petite female, dad?
PETITE TOOTS
How dare you, you oink! Don’t think you can take any liberties with me, just because you’re the Prince of the Dingleberry Tribe!
PRINCE
Hey, how dare you!
PETITE TOOTS
All right, I take it back. You’re not the Prince of the Dingleberry Tribe…
(Half a beat.)
You’re the dingleberry who used to be called the Prince of the Dingleberry-Tribe.
PRINCE
You heard my father, take them away and execute them.
Witch Doctor gestures to the warriors and they lead the Doctor and the others through the village.
EXT. OTHER END OF THE VILLAGE — DAY
natives are moving through the village making wooden eating utensils, straw baskets and mats, etc.
BURLESQUE music as a medium-height woman (Megan) in a micro-mini grass-skirt walks up wiggling her arse like the proverbial pendulum.
MOVING SHOT following Megan from behind so we can’t see who she is, as she wiggle-walks through the village.
Native men and women stop what they are doing to bow to her as she wiggle-walks past.
INT. BANQUET HALL — DAY — KING, PRINCE, &
a dozen others are seated at a long, wooden table eating as the door bursts open and Megan enters still wiggling her behind as she walks.
KING
All rise, for my queen.
Everyone except King himself rises as the queen wiggle-walks across to him.
King pulls out his chair a little and Megan swings a leg across to sit on his lap facing him.
Megan leans down, places her face against his and they have a long open-mouthed kiss, which ends with a loud POP.
Finally Megan turns round, picks up a turkey leg and starts eating it.
KING
Ah, my queen, you missed some excitement.
MEGAN
In this dump? Not bloody likely.
PRINCE
Three strange aliens were captured.
MEGAN
Strange aliens? I’ve met my fair share of those in my time.
KING
Yes, my queen, I was forgetting that you are an off-worlder.
MEGAN
What did you do with the aliens, my husband?
KING
I sent them to be executed.
MEGAN (Clapping hands.)
Oh goodie, goodie, can I go watch them get chopped?
KING
If it pleases my lady. But I must confess I have no head for such things.
MEGAN
In a little while, neither will they.
All the natives stand again as Megan stands, turns and wiggle-walks back out of the hut.
EXT. OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL — DAY
MOVING SHOT following Megan, still SHOT from behind so we can’t see who she is yet.
Play BURLESQUE MUSIC again as Megan wiggle-walks across to the opposite side of the village where the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow are all kneeling with their heads on chopping blocks with Witch Doctor and AXEMAN standing near them.
EXT. OTHER END OF VILLAGE — DAY — AS BEFORE
WITCH DOCTOR
Behead the red she-devil first, so she cannot bewitch us.
Axeman raises a double-sided huntsman’s axe back over his left shoulder and starts to swing it toward the Doctor.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh my God, no!
TURDLOW
What are you complaining about? You said you needed a haircut.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, but not all the way down to the shoulders.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then a young warrior races up.
YOUNG WARRIOR
Stop! Stop! Stop the execution!
THE DOCTOR
That’s what I call the nick of time.
YOUNG WARRIOR
The queen wishes to witness the beheadings.
THE DOCTOR
Damn, and I was hoping for a reprieve.
WITCH DOCTOR
Silence red she-devil! Even a few seconds of life are worth having!
Play BURLESQUE MUSIC again as Megan wiggle-walks across from the middle of the village.
WITCH DOCTOR
All stand to attention for the queen.
All warriors snap to attention.
MEGAN
What is the sport today, good Rufus?
WITCH DOCTOR
Three unsightly aliens, my queen.
Megan bends down to stare at the three kneeling strangers.
Doctor & Petite Toots look astonished.
For the first time we see that the queen is Megan.
The Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow stare at Megan in shock.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Hey, wait a minute. Doesn’t she look vaguely familiar?
TURDLOW
Of course, dingle, it’s Megan.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh, yeah.
MEGAN (Shocked.)
Doctor? Petite Toots? Turdlow?
WITCH DOCTOR
You know these aliens, my queen?
MEGAN
The red she-devil and the petite pip-squeak are both good friends of mine…
(Half a beat.)
Well, perhaps good friends is going too far. They’re friends of mine…
(Considering a moment.)
Well, no, that’s giving them too much credit. Let’s say they’re both close personal acquaintances of mine…
(Considering a moment.)
Well, personal acquaintances…
(Considering a moment.)
No, just acquaintances…
(Considering a moment.)
What the hell, I hardly know them. As Kenneth Williams would say…
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Carry on chopping!
PETITE TOOTS/THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW
Megan!
MEGAN
Oh, all right, nag! Nag! Nag! I suppose they’re friends of mine.
(Considering a moment.)
On second thoughts you’d better untie them and give them the run of the village.
PETITE TOOTS
And run is the operative word with a former acquaintance like her!
WITCH DOCTOR
What about the boy, my queen?
MEGAN
The boy I barely know. I only met him once when we were fighting a villainess called the Silver-Hornbag.
(She sighs wistfully.)
It’s such a pity, really.
TURDLOW
What is?
MEGAN
Oh that’s right, you don’t know. After you left, Zontag Zeekgrikkian and the Silver-Hornbag atomised Ten and Twelve Downing Street, killing the entire English Parliament.
Turdlow turns round to stare at the Doctor.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
But, Doctor, I thought you always said that you saved London from the Silver-Hornbag?
THE DOCTOR (Extremely embarrassed.)
Er, well, um, originally I did. But just possibly by going back to that adventure and meeting myself, I may have altered the outcome so the Silver-Hornbag won.
PETITE TOOTS
To coin a phrase, “Whoops”.
TURDLOW
To coin another phrase…
(Shouting.)
“You great, hairy dingleberry, Doctor!”
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, it’s not entirely my fault.
PETITE TOOTS
That’s her excuse for everything!
MEGAN
Come on, I’ll take you to see our mighty army. Then to see my hubby.
Play BURLESQUE MUSIC again as Megan wiggle-walks toward the opposite side of the village.
PETITE TOOTS
Hey, Megan seems to have developed a new walk since we knew her last.
THE DOCTOR
Well, she’s probably matured and become more feminine since we knew her last.
PETITE TOOTS
God help her if she didn’t mature and become more feminine since we knew her last.
TURDLOW
And God help her poor hubby, if she didn’t mature and become more feminine since we knew her last.
EXT. VILLAGE — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS,
Turdlow, and Megan walking toward a large hut.
INT./EXT. SOLDIERS QUARTERS/VILLAGE — DAY — MEGAN
can be seen approaching through the open doorway.
WARRIOR (Shouting.)
All rise, for the queen.
Native warriors leap to their feet as Megan, Petite Toots, the Doctor, and then Turdlow enter the hut.
The Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow look over the troops who are badly dressed, standing unevenly in line, some with damaged weapons, one wearing a towel around his waist instead of clothing, another has a finger up a nostril, picking his nose, and so forth.
MEGAN
These are my hubby’s best troops.
The Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow look unimpressed.
MEGAN
Well, Doctor, what do you think?
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was.
(Turning toward Petite Toots.)
Help me out on this one, guys and guyettes.
PETITE TOOTS
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was.
(Turning toward Turdlow.)
Well, dingle, help me out on this one.
TURDLOW
Er, well, um, what I meant to say was….
MEGAN (Impatiently.)
Well, Doctor, what do you think of them?
THE DOCTOR
Jesus, and you call me the Queen of the Dingleberry Tribe!
PETITE TOOTS
We certainly do!
TURDLOW
But never again. Not after seeing this Dingleberry Squadron.
MEGAN (Indignant.)
How dare you! I’ll have you know they’re all crack troops!
One warrior drops his spear, which just misses Petite Toots, who squeals and races behind Megan.
PETITE TOOTS
Cracked fruit loops more like it.
TURDLOW
Crackpot troops maybe.
MEGAN (Insistent.)
I tell you they’re all crack troops.
One warrior is cross-eyed.
The next warrior’s tongue is lolling out the side of his mouth.
The next warrior is scratching his crotch.
THE DOCTOR
Well, they certainly look cracked all right.
TURDLOW
Yes, if these are her crack troops, I’d hate to see the rejects.
PETITE TOOTS
You said it!
(Pointing at Bald Warrior.)
Hey this guy needs a haircut. Next time take another inch off the top.
BALD WARRIOR ducks to make himself an inch shorter.
THE DOCTOR
As a matter of interest, Megan, are your warriors…?
(Considering a moment.)
How can I put this diplomatically…?
PETITE TOOTS
Are they dummies?
THE DOCTOR
Exactly.
Megan glares at the Doctor and Petite Toots.
EXT. VILLAGE — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS,
Turdlow, and Megan walking toward the banquet hall.
PETITE TOOTS
So how should we address your hubby, Megan? As the King of the Dingleberry Tribe?
TURDLOW
Or just King Ding for short?
MEGAN
Well, I usually call him sex-pot. But you lot can call him My Liege or Your Majesty.
PETITE TOOTS
My Liege or Your Majesty?
TURDLOW
So we can’t call him Your Liege?
PETITE TOOTS
Or My Majesty?
MEGAN
Shut up, you prehistoric pip-squeak. And the same goes for your boyfriend.
TURDLOW (Indignant.)
Hey, how dare you!
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, he’s not my boyfriend…
(Half a beat.)
I’d sooner be dead!
TURDLOW (Glaring at her.)
It can be arranged, you diminutive dweebess!
INT. BANQUET HALL — DAY — MEGAN WALKS IN
followed by the Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow.
PETITE TOOTS
Which one is the king.
MEGAN (Pointing.)
The one with the crown on his head, natch.
TURDLOW (Shocked.)
That’s the king?
Petite Toots and Turdlow burst out into laughter.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh my God!
KING (Glaring at them.)
Are those children laughing at me?
THE DOCTOR
No, sire, they are merely overcome by your regal splendour.
KING (Sounding pleased.)
Really?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, My Liege. We had been warned that you have the face of Adonis and the physique of a Greek god. But even that didn’t prepare us for the sheer majesty of you regal presence.
KING (Looking pleased.)
Really?
Petite Toots and Turdlow are almost wetting themselves from laughter.
PETITE TOOTS
Face of Adonis? He’s a geek for Christ’s sake!
TURDLOW
Physique of a Greek god? He’s a fat bastard!
Petite Toots and Turdlow are now laughing so hard that they fall to the floor and start rolling around.
King stops smiling and glares at them.
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, um, I hope Your Majesty realises that where we come from “geek” and “fat bastard” are terms of endearment.
KING (Indignant.)
How dare you! Do you two know who I am?
PETITE TOOTS
By the looks of things, the fairy from on top of the Christmas tree.
Petite Toots and Turdlow double up laughing again.
MEGAN (Angry.)
Stop laughing you two repos!
THE DOCTOR
Hey, don’t call them repos, you retardo! Only I can call them repos…
(Half a beat.)
Stop laughing and get up you two pox repos.
KING
Why do you allow the redheaded she-devil to insult you like that, my queen?
MEGAN
Because…
(Half a beat.)
She might be an irritating rude nerdess. But she’s my best friend in the whole galaxy.
King holds out his right hand toward the Doctor.
KING
Welcome, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Shaking his hand.)
How did you know my name, My Liege?
KING
Queen Megan has told me many many times…
(Half a beat.)
That her best friend in the whole galaxy is an irritating rude nerdess named the Doctor.
MEGAN (Defensive.)
Well, you are my best friend in the whole galaxy, Doctor.
KING
So you are the Doctor.
(Pause.)
Who?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, that’s me.
KING
The Doctor.
(Pause.)
Who?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, that’s me.
KING (Puzzled.)
The Doctor.
(Pause.)
Who?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, that’s me.
EXTREME CLOSE UP ON the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
We’re gonna do this old Dr Who joke for the next ten minutes or so. So perhaps now would be a good time to go to the foyer to buy some candy. Or go to the kitchen to make yourself a cuppa.
INT. BANQUET HALL — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER, AS
BEFORE, EXCEPT PETITE TOOTS & TURDLOW are now standing beside the Doctor and Megan.
KING (Puzzled.)
The Doctor.
(Pause.)
Who?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, that’s me.
KING (Puzzled.)
The Doctor.
(Pause.)
Who?
THE DOCTOR (Shouting.)
Yes, for Christ’s sake!
KING (Indignant.)
How dare you talk to me like that, Doctor! Frankly, I’m tempted to send you back to the axeman!
MEGAN
Please don’t my king. The Doctor is basically a nice person at heart…
(Half a beat.)
It’s just that she can’t help being a rude, sarky bitch, most of the time.
PETITE TOOTS
And frankly chopping her head off wouldn’t improve her manners.
KING
It couldn’t hurt.
PETITE TOOTS
He’s right there.
MEGAN (Pointing at Turdlow.)
This is Turdlow, my king.
Turdlow shakes King’s hand and curtseys.
TURDLOW
My Liege.
MEGAN (Pointing at Petite Toots.)
And this is Petite Toots.
Petite Toots shakes King’s hand and bows.
KING (To the Doctor.)
My apologies for calling you a red she-devil earlier, Doctor…
(Half a beat.)
But you really do look like a red she-devil.
PETITE TOOTS (Pointing at Old Woman beside King.)
So who’s the monkey-faced old broad?
MEGAN
My mother-in-law.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh, sorry.
MEGAN
I accept your apology for calling her a monkey-faced old broad
PETITE TOOTS
No, I meant I’m sorry that she’s your mother-in-law.
MEGAN
You’re sorry!
MOTHER-IN-LAW
Quiet you tiny-tot upstart. I am a mighty soothsayer!
TURDLOW
Bulldust!
MOTHER-IN-LAW
It is the truth you insolent whelp. Many people come to consult me each day!
MEGAN
It’s true. Even I called her an ugly, old bag the other day!
MOTHER-IN-LAW (Indignant.)
I said consult me! Not insult me!
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, yeah, sure.
TURDLOW (Pointing at Old Man beside King.)
So who’s the old geezer?
KING
One of my fathers.
TURDLOW
How many fathers do you have, Your Majesty?
KING
Seven, of course. Although my seventh father died recently.
THE DOCTOR
How is that biologically possible?
TURDLOW
Maybe the women here have more body holes than the ones on our planets.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that?
KING
Anyway, let us return to the banquet.
PETITE TOOTS
No wonder he’s a fat bastard!
King turns round to glare at her as they all walk over to sit at the table.
Again Megan sits on King’s lap.
THE DOCTOR
So, Megan, how did you get to this place?
MEGAN
You abandoned me here, Doctor.
TURDLOW (Turning toward the Doctor.)
I thought you said you dropped her off at Brisbane?
MEGAN
Brisbane, huh! Borneo more like it.
THE DOCTOR
Whoops! No one’s perfect you know.
MEGAN
And around 1595 at a guess! You not only missed Brisbane by ten thousand miles but you missed my time-zone by more than four hundred years!
THE DOCTOR
Hey, in space-time terms….
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN/TURDLOW
Four hundred years and ten thousand miles is classed as a near miss.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, you’ve heard that excuse before, have you?
TURDLOW
Only about a zillion times.
MEGAN
You’ve been using that feeble excuse for six movies now.
THE DOCTOR
Well….
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN/TURDLOW
Accidents will happen you know….
PETITE TOOTS
And that one.
THE DOCTOR
Well….
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN/TURDLOW
Anyone can make a mistake, you know.
TURDLOW
Ditto for that one.
THE DOCTOR
Well….
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN/TURDLOW
It’s not entirely my fault.
MEGAN
Now do you see why I call her Cliché Woman?
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/MEGAN/TURDLOW
Nag! Nag! Nag!
PETITE TOOTS
And we’ve heard that one too.
MEGAN
Doc, we’ve heard all your clichés a zillion times.
THE DOCTOR
Megan, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million, billion, trillion times…
(Half a beat.)
Don’t bloody exaggerate.
PETITE TOOTS (Insistent.)
She’s right, Doc, we’ve heard all your clichés a zillion times.
THE DOCTOR
How about, “A stitch in time saves nine”?
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
No, we’ve never heard that one before.
MEGAN (Frustrated.)
Doctor, have you gone completely, totally insane.
PETITE TOOTS
What’re you mean, “gone”?
TURDLOW
Yes, she has.
PETITE TOOTS
A long time ago.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Petite Toots!
PETITE TOOTS
Don’t call me that. My name’s Jessie.
TURDLOW
Besides, she’s not so petite any more.
(Patting Petite Toots’s tummy.)
I suppose you’re too young to be pregnant?
PETITE TOOTS
Shut up, Turdlow!
TURDLOW
Come on, I was only kidding.
THE DOCTOR
Yeah, there’s just more of her to hug now.
TURDLOW
Hell, I’d sooner hug a rattlesnake.
THE DOCTOR
And when she’s pissed off at us, it’s easier to outrun her than it used to be!
PETITE TOOTS
And you shut up too!
MEGAN
She’s certainly getting to be a big girl. Especially about the arse.
As she speaks, Megan looks round at Petite Toots’s backside.
The Doctor, Turdlow, King, Prince and others also bend round to look at Petite Toots’s behind.
PETITE TOOTS
Shut up, Megan! You’re just lucky that you’re the Queen of the Dingleberry Tribe, or I’d murder you!
INT. BANQUET HALL — DAY — TEN MINUTES LATER
The Doctor and the others are seated at the long, wooden table eating.
KING
So, Doctor, where do you and your friends come from?
THE DOCTOR
I come from a planet called Gallafart. Turdlow and Petite Toots both come from Earth in the late 1990s.
TURDLOW
I come from a place called Lincolnshire.
PETITE TOOTS
I come from Jefferson Davis City in New York State.
MEGAN (Indignant.)
Why is it that cities are always named after men? Why can’t they be called something more feminine for a change?
TURDLOW
I agree. How about changing the name of Lincolnshire to Wadshire, and Jefferson Davis City can become Poontang City.
MEGAN (Frustrated.)
On second thoughts, maybe masculine names are best!
KING
All raise your glasses high while we drink a toast…
(Half a beat.)
Now what shall we toast to?
A WARRIOR stands and holds his glass out toward King.
WARRIOR
To the King…
(Half a beat.)
Coupled with the queen!
He takes a drink then throws his glass into the fire, which blazes up for a few seconds.
TURDLOW (Standing.)
To the King…
(Half a beat.)
Coupled with the queen!
He takes a drink then throws his glass into the fire, which blazes up for a few seconds.
WITCH DOCTOR (Standing.)
To the King…
(Half a beat.)
Coupled with the queen!
He takes a drink then throws his glass into the fire, which blazes up for a few seconds.
PRINCE
To the King…
(Half a beat.)
Coupled with the queen!
He takes a drink then throws her glass into the fire, which blazes up for a few seconds.
THE DOCTOR
To the King…
(Half a beat.)
Coupling with his queen!
Megan looks astonished by this.
The Doctor takes a drink then throws her glass, which soars above the fireplace and hits a portrait of an old man.
KING (Shocked.)
Aaaaaaaaaaah! That idiot has hit my late seventh father’s portrait.
The portrait falls off the wall, hits the mantelpiece then crashes to the floor.
KING (Shocked.)
She’s knocked down my beloved father’s portrait.
The portrait falls backwards into the fire and bursts into flames.
KING
Aaaaaaaaaaah! My father’s portrait! That moron has burnt my only existing picture of my seventh father!
King leaps to his feet, making Megan shrieked as she is thrown to the floor.
He races across and starts trying to strangle the Doctor, screeching in rage.
Megan, Petite Toots, Turdlow, and Prince race across to grab King and pull him away from the Doctor.
MEGAN
It’s not her fault. She was born a moron!
TURDLOW
It’s true, she was.
Finally King releases the Doctor who hurriedly backs away from him.
KING (Angry.)
Well, just get her out of my sight before I decide to behead the red she-devil after all.
EXT. OUTSIDE BANQUET HALL — DAY — MEGAN, THE DOCTOR, Petite Toots, and Turdlow step out of the hut and walk through the village.
PETITE TOOTS
Well, that went very well I thought.
THE DOCTOR/MEGAN/TURDLOW
Shut up, you petite menace!
MEGAN
Doctor, please forgive my husband for his hysterical outburst.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, it was rather funny.
They are nearing a small hut when a MEDICINE MAN in full garb leaps out at them and shakes a rattle noisily at the Doctor.
MEGAN
That’s our way of warding off demons, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Hey, I resent that!
PETITE TOOTS
Hey, I didn’t know you’d ever been here before, Doc?
TURDLOW
Word is getting round fast about the red she-devil.
MEGAN
No, Doctor, he is protecting you from devils. Now you have to reward him.
Grinning Medicine Man is ugly as hell.
THE DOCTOR
If that means what I think it does…
(Half a beat.)
No thanks! I’d rather be possessed by demons.
MEGAN (Frustrated.)
No, you have to give him a coin.
THE DOCTOR
A coin? Oh, I see.
She starts hunting through her giant handbag, pulling out a surf board, ice skates, deck chairs, inflated plastic beach toys, a card table, plus various other odds and sods.
MEGAN
Either that, or let him have you through any body hole he likes.
The Doctor looks at ugly Medicine Man again, then starts furiously pulling things out of her bag: a beach ball, yo-yos, a watermelon and various other odds and sods.
Medicine Man, grinning widely, peers round at Doctor’s backside.
PETITE TOOTS
Hurry up, Doctor, I think he’s another backgammon-player!
The Doctor starts pulling bits of string, pens and pencils, clipboards, apple cores, umbrellas, paperback books, etc. out of her cloth bag.
Finally the Doctor locates a large purse.
THE DOCTOR
Ah-ha.
(Leafing through a wad of notes.)
Let’s see now, English pounds, French Francs, Italian lira, Mexican pesos, Mongolian tugriks, US dollars…
(Half a beat.)
Ah-ha I knew I had some Saltaran currency here.
PETITE TOOTS
Not more damn zoikblats?
THE DOCTOR
No, they only come in notes. What I’m looking for is a Saltaran one googelfleeg coin…
(Half a beat.)
Ah-ha!
The Doctor pulls out an enormous coin the size of a large saucer and holds it out toward Medicine Man who stares at it in wonder for a moment.
Finally Medicine Man snatches the coin from the Doctor, spins round and goes running back through the village, holding up the giant coin.
MEDICINE MAN (Shouting.)
Hey guys, wait up! Wait till you see the size of the coin the red she-devil gave me.
The Doctor, Petite Toots, Megan, and Turdlow stare after Medicine Man in amazement for a moment.
THE DOCTOR
Ha, the joke’s on him! That coin might be enormous in size, but it’s only worth one zillionth of a U.S. penny!
MEGAN
Come on, Doctor, I want to show you something.
BURLESQUE music as Megan turns and walks into the surrounding forest wiggling her arse like the proverbial pendulum.
MOVING SHOT following Megan as she wiggle-walks through the forest.
PETITE TOOTS
There’s no doubt about it, she’s definitely got a new walk.
EXT. FOREST OUTSIDE VILLAGE — DAY — MEGAN
wiggle-walks into SHOT from LHS followed by the Doctor, Petite Toots, then and Turdlow.
They stop before what looks like glass or plastic vertical blinds hanging from one of the trees.
MEGAN (Pointing at “blinds”.)
What do you think?
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Vertical blinds in a forest. You really are a dingle, Megan.
MEGAN
Quiet, they’re not vertical blinds.
THE DOCTOR
Then, what are they?
MEGAN
You’re the know-it-all, Doc, you tell me.
THE DOCTOR
All right!
The Doctor, Petite Toots, and Turdlow slowly walk round the “blinds” examining them closely.
MEGAN
Well, Doctor, what do you think they are?
THE DOCTOR (Considering a moment.)
Possibly wind chimes of some kind?
MEGAN
Cold, Doctor, very cold.
THE DOCTOR
Or some kind of native artwork?
MEGAN
You’re getting colder.
THE DOCTOR
Or some form of religious relics?
MEGAN
You’re getting colder.
THE DOCTOR
Then, possibly they’re some kind of…?
OLD NATIVE MAN walks out of the forest from RHS, walks up to the “blinds” holding xylophone hammers in each hand, leans over sideways, and starts playing the hanging strips like a xylophone.
The Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow stand watching him in amazement as OLD NATIVE MAN plays the strips for thirty seconds or so.
Finally OLD NATIVE MAN stops playing and walks off into the forest again.
THE DOCTOR
On the other hand people on this planet might simply hang their xylophones from trees and play them vertically.
PETITE TOOTS
Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
MEGAN (Pointing at xylophone.)
Go on, Doc, let’s hear you play something.
THE DOCTOR
Who, me?
MEGAN (Handing her xylophone hammers.)
Go on, I dare you.
PETITE TOOTS
Go on, Doc, you always boast you can do anything.
TURDLOW
To anyone….
(Half a beat.)
At any time.
MEGAN/PETITE TOOTS/THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Hey!
PETITE TOOTS (Angry.)
Don’t steal my jokes!
MEGAN/TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR
Quite, dingle!
THE DOCTOR (Taking hammers.)
Very well.
The Doctor starts playing WILD BOOGIE WOOGIE-STYLE MUSIC on the xylophone, while Megan looks astonished.
Finally the Doctor stops and holds out the hammers to Megan, who takes them.
THE DOCTOR
How was that?
MEGAN
Shithouse, since you asked.
The Doctor glares at Megan for a moment, then turns and storms off into the forest.
MEGAN (Puzzled.)
What’s the matter with her?
TURDLOW
You know the Doc, she’s got pride and self-respect.
MEGAN (Amazed.)
Since when?
TURDLOW
Okay, so she doesn’t have any pride or self-respect…
(Half a beat.)
But still, if you want to get back into her good books, you’d better be politer to her in future.
MEGAN (Puzzled.)
Politer…?
(Half a beat.)
Oh yes, of course.
(Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Hey, zombie-head, where ya goin’?
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
That’s politer?
PETITE TOOTS
For Megan it is. You don’t know her as well as me.
Petite Toots and Turdlow start running after the Doctor.
After a second Megan turns and heads back toward the village.
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
Wait up, Doctor.
The Doctor turns and strides away, forcing Petite Toots and Turdlow to lope after her.
TURDLOW
Doctor, if you’re really nine-hundred years old. Shouldn’t you start to slow down a bit?
PETITE TOOTS
What’re you mean? Doc’s the slowest person I’ve ever met!
TURDLOW
But if you’re that old, Doctor…?
THE DOCTOR
I’m really very sprightly for my age.
The Doctor starts walking along briskly, and then suddenly slows to a hobble.
She stops and starts rubbing her left knee.
THE DOCTOR
Damn this arthritis.
She starts walking again and crashes into a tree.
THE DOCTOR
Damn! Is everything going blurry? Or are my eyes playing up again?
The Doctor reaches into her cloth bag and pulls out a pair of granny-glasses that she puts on, before starting walking into the forest again.
TURDLOW
Doctor, where are you going?
THE DOCTOR (Cupping a hand to her left ear.)
Eh, what was that, sonny?
The Doctor reaches into her cloth bag and pulls out an old-fashioned battery-operated hearing-aid, which she clips to her left ear, before clipping the battery to her blouse.
The Doctor starts walking again, then she stops, reaches into her cloth bag again and takes out a shawl that she wraps round her shoulders.
Finally she takes a walking-frame from her bag and starts tottering along, bent over at the waist.
FADE OUT:
ACT THREE:
FADE IN:
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS &
Turdlow are walking through the forest still.
The Doctor is now dressed normally without the hearing-aid, etc.
TURDLOW
Are you sure it’s safe to be this far out into the forest, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Have I ever needlessly led you two into danger?
Petite Toots and Turdlow exchange a puzzled look.
PETITE TOOTS
Is she kiddin’ or what?
TURDLOW
Your guess is as good as mine.
THE DOCTOR
Er, well, okay, so maybe I have in the past. But Megan said there is no dangerous plant or animal life on this planet.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS RHS of SHOT.
They turn around and see a five-foot tall, dinosaur-like creature staring at them.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, what’ll we do?
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Chicken out everybody!
He turns and races out of SHOT to LHS.
PETITE TOOTS
My hero!
THE DOCTOR
Shut up! This time he’s right.
The Doctor charges after Turdlow, with Petite Toots running behind the Doctor.
The dinosaur looks surprised for a second, and then it goes bounding through the brush after them.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — TURDLOW, THE DOCTOR, &
Petite Toots racing through the forest from RHS of SHOT.
HEAVY FOOTSTEPS LOPING behind them.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Hurry, Doctor, it’s gaining on us.
MOVING SHOT following them as they run for a moment.
PAN BACK to include dinosaur, which is now rapidly gaining on them.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, it’s gaining on us!
In the forest not far ahead of them is a large cave mouth.
THE DOCTOR (Pointing at cave mouth.)
Head for that cave.
PETITE TOOTS
But then we’ll be trapped!
THE DOCTOR
Calm down. With any luck it’ll be too large to get into the cave.
TURDLOW
Or we’ll lose it in tunnels in there.
PETITE TOOTS
Okay, let’s go.
The dinosaur is almost up to Petite Toots as Turdlow races into the cave mouth.
INT./EXT. CAVE/FOREST — DARK/DAY — TURDLOW
races into the cave, followed by Petite Toots then the Doctor.
They stop for a moment, panting furiously, to recover their breaths.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS LOPING toward the cave, then the dinosaur can be seen approaching them.
TURDLOW
Oh no, it’s coming toward the cave.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Doctor, we’re gonna be trapped in here, you great dingleberry.
Turdlow and the Doctor start looking about the cave, trying to see in the darkness as the dinosaur grows larger until it is almost filling the cave mouth.
TURDLOW (Pointing deeper into cave.)
There seem to be some tunnels back here.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, let’s go.
Petite Toots and Turdlow start off toward the rear of the cave, with the Doctor not far behind them.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS VERY LOUD as the dinosaur reaches the cave mouth and enters the cave.
It stops and looks about the cave for a moment in wonder.
Then seeing movement it lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts loping ungainfully toward the back of the cave after the Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow.
INT. TUNNEL IN CAVE — DARK — PETITE TOOTS
is now at the front of the procession as they run.
PETITE TOOTS (Hysterical.)
Oh no, it’s still coming after us.
TURDLOW
Shut up panicking and run for that tunnel.
Turdlow points at a tunnel mouth ahead of them.
Petite Toots, Turdlow, and the Doctor charge toward the tunnel opening, all now panting again from exhaustion.
INT. TUNNEL MOUTH — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW,
then the Doctor race in through the tunnel mouth and grind to a halt as they find themselves in a cul-de-sac.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS behind them and they see the dinosaur go straight past the cul-de-sac.
INT. TUNNEL RUNNING PAST CUL-DE-SAC — DARK
Dinosaur walks straight past the cul-de-sac, stops and looks about the tunnel for a moment in obvious dismay.
It lets out a SHRILL BELLOW and starts deeper into the cave.
PETITE TOOTS O/S
Phew, it’s gone straight past.
TURDLOW O/S
Quiet, dingle, it’ll hear you!
Dinosaur stops and looks round.
Although it is a tight-fit in the tunnel, it manages to turn round and heads back toward the cul-de-sac.
INT. CUL-DE-SAC — DARK — PETITE TOOTS, TURDLOW, &
the Doctor listening to approaching footsteps.
After a second the dinosaur’s head comes back into view.
Dinosaur BELLOWS in pleasure as it sees them and starts into the cul-de-sac after them.
PETITE TOOTS (Shocked.)
Oh no it must have heard me!
Dinosaur squeezes into the cul-de-sac then races across toward them. Ignoring Petite Toots and Turdlow, the dinosaur races up to the Doctor who backs up till she is hard against the cave wall.
BELLOWING again in pleasure the dinosaur leaps up onto its hind legs until it is face to face with the Doctor.
PETITE TOOTS
Aaaaaaaaaaah!
The dinosaur opens its jaws wide, and a long tongue flicks out and starts furiously licking the Doctor’s face, hard enough to make her head knock against the dirt wall behind her.
THE DOCTOR
Something tells me this is this planet’s equivalent of an over-friendly dog.
The dinosaur starts rubbing itself against the Doctor’s legs.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Stop that, you prehistoric pervert!
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow are walking through the forest with the dinosaur in tow.
The dinosaur suddenly slams its snout into the Doctor’s behind.
THE DOCTOR (Hitting it away.)
Stop that you oversexed reject from Jurassic Park!
In the tall grass just ahead of them lies the body of a native.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, look!
The Doctor, Turdlow, and Petite Toots race over.
The dinosaur stays back as though afraid of the corpse.
TURDLOW
Oh my God, the poor bastard.
The top half of the native is crushed to a pulp and is lying in a rectangular hollow.
PETITE TOOTS
Do you think he died of natural causes?
THE DOCTOR
Unlikely. Looks like he was murdered.
TURDLOW
How do you know?
THE DOCTOR
Well, the knife in the back of the head’s a bit of a give away. Then the fact that his lower body has been crushed flat by at least nine hundred pounds PSI of pressure.
PETITE TOOTS
Thank you, Sherlock Holmes, for that elementary lesson in detection.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up being sarky. You two had better return for Megan and some of her Dingleberry Warriors.
TURDLOW
What are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR
Follow those.
The Doctor points to a series of rectangular “footprints” six-inches deep which lead away from the body, deeper into the forest.
TURDLOW
Be careful, Doctor.
PETITE TOOTS
Yeah, if you get killed, neither of us knows how to fly the Retardis.
The Doctor turns round to glare at them then turns and starts following the footprints.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR
following the tracks.
She comes to a clearing and looks out carefully.
EXT. CLEARING — DAY — CYBER-BABE &QUARK-LEADER
are standing by a small spaceship.
CYBER-BABE, a lime-green woman made of silicone, is an old opponent of the Doctor.
QUARK-LEADER is a seven-foot-tall silver robot.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR
peering out at Psycho-Babe and Quark-Leader.
THE DOCTOR
Oh no, how did they get here?
ROARING from the sky as a bright pink spaceship appears.
EXT. CLEARING — DAY — CYBER-BABE & QUARK-LEADER
looking up at pink spaceship as it lands not far away.
A hatch in the side of the spaceship opens and out steps CYBER-POOF LEADER.
Cyber Poof-Leader is a humanoid being in a bright pink, metallic-like costume, wearing what looks like a teapot on his head.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — THE DOCTOR
peering out of bushes.
THE DOCTOR
The cyber-poofs too! That’s all we needed!
EXT. FOREST — DAY — PETITE TOOTS, MEGAN, TURDLOW,
King, and native warriors are standing looking at crushed native.
PRINCE
What could have happened to him?
MEGAN
He’s been crushed beneath the stanchion of a spaceship by the looks of it.
Megan points to where there are three other rectangular hollows forming a square with the one crushing the native.
They slowly walk across to the second stanchion mark.
PETITE TOOTS
I wonder where the Doctor has gotten to?
KING
Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s all right.
PRINCE
Yes, there’s no real dangers on this planet…
(Half a beat.)
Just so long as she doesn’t wander into the forbidden city.
TURDLOW
Why not?
KING
It is sacred to our people. Tribal law says all trespassers in the forbidden city must be put to death. And even I, as king, don’t have the power to spare them.
Turdlow and Petite Toots exchange a horrified look.
TURDLOW/PETITE TOOTS
Uh-oh!
MEGAN
Relax, it has warning signs all around it. Only a complete bumbling, stumble-footed incompetent would go into the forbidden city.
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow all look horrified.
MEGAN
Uh-oh!
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Let’s go!
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow race off into the jungle.
KING (Shouting.)
Where are you going, my queen?
MEGAN
To the forbidden city.
PETITE TOOTS
We have to save the Doctor from herself.
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
Shut up, and just keep running.
King, Prince, and Witch Doctor start after them.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — MEGAN, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow racing through the jungle.
They reach a sign, which says, “YOU ARE HEADING TOWARD THE FORBIDDEN CITY! TURN BACK NOW! THIS IS YOUR FIRST WARNING!”
They stop for a second to read it.
MEGAN (Shouting.)
Come on!
They start racing through the forest again until reaching a sign, which says, “STOP! YOUR ARE APPROACHING THE FORBIDDEN CITY! THIS IS YOUR SECOND WARNING!”
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow stop for a moment to read the sign, then start running again.
Prince, King, and Witch Doctor stop to read the sign, then start running after Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — MEGAN, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow racing through the jungle.
They reach a sign, which says, “STOP! IT IS DEATH TO ENTER THE FORBIDDEN CITY!”
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow race off into the jungle.
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow stop to read the sign, and then take off again.
Prince, King, and Witch Doctor stop to read the sign, then start running after Megan and her companions.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — MEGAN, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow racing through the jungle.
They reach a sign, which says, “THIS IS YOUR NEXT TO LAST WARNING! TURN BACK WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!”
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow stop to read the sign, and then take off again.
Prince, King, and Witch Doctor stop to read the sign, then start running after Megan and her companions.
EXT. FOREST — DAY — MEGAN, PETITE TOOTS, &
Turdlow racing through the jungle.
They stop at a sign, which says, “STOP! GO NO FURTHER UNDER PAIN OF DEATH!”
Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow read the sign, then take off again.
Prince, King, and Witch Doctor stop to read the sign, then start running after Megan and her companions.
Just past the sign is an ancient-looking city, which is ringed by a white line.
The Doctor is just about to step over the white line.
Megan and the others all scream in horror.
They race forward as the Doctor lifts her right foot to step over the line.
The Doctor’s foot is still in the air, over the line, when Megan, Petite Toots and Turdlow grab her and drag her backwards.
MEGAN (Shouting.)
Doctor, you great hairy dingleberry, can’t you read!
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
You were about to enter the forbidden city.
TURDLOW (Shouting.)
The penalty for which is death.
THE DOCTOR
What, that ancient city? I’ve just been there. Actually you just caught me coming out again.
MEGAN/PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/PRINCE/KING/WITCH DOCTOR (Shocked!)
What!
MEGAN
Doctor, the penalty for entering the forbidden city is death.
KING
And even I, as king, don’t have the power to spare you.
TURDLOW
Doctor, you great dingle. Why did you have to tell us you’d been in there! Now they have to kill you!
THE DOCTOR
Don’t worry, they’ll forget all about killing me, once they see what I’ve seen in there.
Turning, she goes to walk into the forbidden city again.
MEGAN
Doctor, we can’t follow you into the forbidden city.
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
All right, we can go the long way round the side.
The Doctor turns and starts walking round the forbidden city, just outside the white line, heading toward the RHS of SHOT.
EXT. CLEARING — DAY — CYBER-BABE’s
small spaceship is in the clearing.
Beside the spaceship is now parked the cyber-poofs’ pink spaceship and Zontag Zeekgrikkian’s silver spaceship.
Before the spaceships stand Psycho-Babe and Quark-Leader, Zontag Zeekgrikkian and her Montagian Generals, Marie Antoinette, the Silver-Hornbag and Cyber-Poof-Leader.
ROARING OVERHEAD, then what looks like a giant, silvery golf ball appears and slowly comes down to earth not far from the other spaceships.
A hatch opens in the golf ball and out steps a Saltaran warrior.
The Saltaran warrior is wearing leathery armour, and has a head shaped like the glands of a penis.
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then a Roman column opens and out steps THE MISTRESS.
The Mistress is a renegade Time-Dork and is completely single-minded in her determination to either enslave the Earth or destroy it. She takes a childish glee in showing up the Doctor whenever she can.
The Doctor, Megan, & the others are all on a small rise overlooking the clearing.
The Doctor shivers as she watches them.
MEGAN
What’s the matter, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Someone just walked over my grave.
They look round to the LHS where they see Petite Toots standing upon a grave, whose headstone says “THE DOCTOR 1104-2104 AD”.
THE DOCTOR (Angry.)
Get off that, you pip-squeak pest!
PETITE TOOTS
Sorry, Doctor.
Petite Toots steps down from the grave and goes across to look down into the clearing.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Oh my God, some of these people look vaguely familiar.
MEGAN
Listen you underage Alzheimer’s patient, of course they’re familiar. There’s the Mistress….
(Megan points at the Mistress, while Petite Toots looks puzzled.)
Then there’s Vivian Vedeau, the Silver-Hornbag.
(Megan points at the Silver-Hornbag, while Petite Toots looks puzzled.)
Then there’s a Saltaran warrior.
(Megan points at the Saltaran Warrior, while Petite Toots looks puzzled.)
Then the Cyber-Poof-Leader.
(Megan points at Cyber-Poof-Leader, while Petite Toots looks puzzled.)
Then there’s…. (She looks puzzled.)
TURDLOW
That’s Psycho-Babe and her killer robot, Quark-Leader, who we’ve just recently met.
He points at Psycho-Babe and Quark-Leader, while Petite Toots looks puzzled.
MEGAN (Pointing.)
Then there’s Zontag Zeekgrikkian, Marie Antoinette and the Montagian Generals.
PETITE TOOTS (Puzzled.)
Who? I don’t know any of them!
MEGAN
Doctor, I think the petite menace must have amnesia.
PETITE TOOTS
Don’t be dumb! Don’t you think I’d know if I had amnesia!
MEGAN
Unless you forgot.
PETITE TOOTS
Oh yeah, of course, I forgot.
KING
Who are these aliens, and what do they want, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
They want to conquer your planet and kill all of us.
PRINCE
What can we do then?
THE DOCTOR
How does buggering off before we get hurt sound?
TURDLOW
It’s always been my favourite strategy.
PETITE TOOTS
Sounds good to me!
MEGAN
Shut up, you prepubescent peanut-brain!
PETITE TOOTS
Hey, how dare you! I’m not prepubescent!
(Puzzled.)
Doctor, what does prepubescent mean?
MEGAN
Doctor, you can’t just abandon my husband’s people.
THE DOCTOR
Why not?
TURDLOW
Yes, it’s got nothing to do with us.
MEGAN (Shocked.)
Nothing to do…? They came here looking for you three!
PETITE TOOTS
Moan! Moan! Moan! Moan! Moan!
TURDLOW
Yes, how tetchy can you get?
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Oh all right, I guess we’ll stay here and try to help out.
(Considering a moment.)
I think our only real strategy in that case, is to go down there and face them.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, are you mad! You’ll get us all killed.
KING
I agree, it’s much too dangerous.
THE DOCTOR
Look, who are you going to trust? Me with my nine-hundred years experience at time-travel, or this underage brat?
King, Prince, Megan, and Witch Doctor all consider for a moment.
Finally they turn toward Petite Toots.
MEGAN
All right, Petite Toots, what should we do?
TURDLOW
It was a stupid question really, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up!
TURDLOW
How dare you!
THE DOCTOR
Oh don’t get your knots in a knicker!
MEGAN
Yeah, “Shut up!” is almost a compliment coming from the Doctor.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, your plan will get us all killed.
MEGAN
Well, as I see it we have two clear choices open to us. We can accept the Doctor’s plan. Based on her nine hundred years of wisdom, astute observation, and good common sense.
THE DOCTOR (Smiling broadly.)
Thank you, Megan.
MEGAN
In which case, we’ll probably all get killed.
(The Doctor glares at her.)
Or we can go with the plan of Petite Toots, who is a microscopic motor-mouth, and minute musclehead…
(Half a beat.)
But at least she’s not the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Megan! Now everybody stand up and follow me. We’re going to walk down there very slowly.
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, I don’t get it!
THE DOCTOR
Look, would you like me to spell my plan out for you?
PETITE TOOTS (Nodding.)
Yes, please.
THE DOCTOR
Oh very well. E…
(Half a beat.)
V…
(Half a beat.)
E…
(Half a beat.)
R…
(Half a beat.)
Y…
(Half a beat.)
B…
(Half a beat.)
O…
(Half a beat.)
D…
(Half a beat.)
Y…
(Half a beat.)
Space…
(Half a beat.)
S…
(Half a beat.)
T…
(Half a beat.)
A…
(Half a beat.)
N…
(Half a beat.)
D…
(Half a beat.)
Space…
(Half a beat.)
U…
(Half a beat.)
P…
(Half a beat.)
Comma…
(Half a beat.)
Space…
(Half a beat.)
A…
(Half a beat.)
N…
(Half a beat.)
D…
(Half a beat.)
Space…
(Half a beat.)
W…
(Half a beat.)
E…
(Half a beat.)
Space…
(Half a beat.)
W…
(Half a beat.)
I….
PETITE TOOTS
All right already, Doc. There’s no need to be sarky about it!
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
All right, what we have to do is divide and conquer.
MEGAN
How do we do that?
PETITE TOOTS
You know the old saying, “Too many crooks spoil the plot”?
THE DOCTOR
Exactly. Zontag Zeekgrikkian thought she was being clever bringing so many of my old enemies with her. But she may have played right into our hands.
MEGAN (Puzzled.)
I still don’t get it?
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Just follow my lead. Now let’s just get going.
MEGAN
Doctor, they’ll see us and kill us long before we ever get down there.
THE DOCTOR
Brave-heart, Megan.
MEGAN
My heart is brave, Doc, it’s my guts that are chicken-shit.
TURDLOW
Well, we can’t argue with that.
THE DOCTOR
Just don’t make any noises as we go down there. We have to be as inconspicuous as possible, and then they won’t see us.
PETITE TOOTS
Inconspicuous. But, Doctor, there’s no way you can be inconspicuous. Doc is the most conspicuous person I know…
(Half a beat.)
Especially her brain.
TURDLOW (Puzzled.)
Her brain is conspicuous?
PETITE TOOTS
Well…
(Half a beat.)
Conspicuous by its absence.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, Petite Toots. And just don’t do anything to draw attention to us.
PETITE TOOTS
Trust me, Doc….
Petite Toots suddenly trips and goes sliding down the incline toward the clearing below.
PETITE TOOTS
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
And she says my brain is conspicuous by its absence.
TURDLOW
You should have known you were in trouble, Doctor, when she said to trust her.
THE DOCTOR
That’s true…
(Half a beat.)
Come on!
They all go running after Petite Toots who keeps screaming as she slides down the incline, finally stopping at the feet of Zontag Zeekgrikkian.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian, and her cohorts stare down at Petite Toots in amazement as the Doctor and the others come running down the incline after Petite Toots.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Doctor, at last I have you in my clutches again! After I exterminate you and your friends, there will be no one who can stop me in my plans to conquer the universe and convert it to spooking Zontakian Grikkelspook.
Petite Toots climbs to her feet with assistance from Prince.
PETITE TOOTS
Brilliant plan! Just brilliant!
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Don’t patronise me you microscopic menace.
PETITE TOOTS
I wasn’t, honest. I really mean your plan is brilliant…
(Half a beat.)
I don’t suppose you need a young sidekick? Frankly I’ve been thinking of dumping the Doc. She’s too big a bimbo.
THE DOCTOR
How dare you, you teensy-weensy traitor!
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Very well, Petite Toots, you may become my new sidekick.
MARIE ANTOINETTE (Bimbo voice.)
Hey, where does that leave me?
THE MISTRESS (Holding up a massive dildo.)
You can borrow this if you like.
MARIE ANTOINETTE (Taking dildo.)
Thank you.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Now my Montagian Generals, liquidate the Doctor and her remaining companions.
THE DOCTOR
No wait, I want to surrender.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Too bad, I don’t take prisoners, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
I wasn’t planning to surrender to you, bonehead. I want to surrender to Cyber-Poof-Leader. He’s obvious the brains behind this operation.
CYBER-POOF-LEADER
Very well, Doctor, I will take you back to the cyber-poof world to stand trial.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
No, she will be liquidated right now!
CYBER-POOF-LEADER
No, she is my prisoner now. I have unfinished business with her.
CYBER-BABE
So do I.
THE MISTRESS
No, you dingles, this is a clever plan of the Doctor. For God’s sake do as Zontag Zeekgrikkian says and kill the Doctor right now.
SALTARAN WARRIOR
I agree.
QUARK-LEADER
No, my mistress must be obeyed!
SILVER-HORNBAG/THE MISTRESS
No, Zontag Zeekgrikkian must be obeyed!
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
Cross me at your own risk, Cyber-Poof-Leader.
CYBER-POOF-LEADER
Do not threaten me, you Zontakian refugee!
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
How dare you, you pink-clad pansy!
(Pointing at Cyber-Poof-Leader.)
Teach this upstart some manners my Montagian Generals. We can take care of the Doctor later.
A dozen or so Montagian Generals step toward Cyber-Poof-Leader aiming laser-rifles at him.
Cyber-Poof-Leader aims his Cyber-Poof-gun at the Montagian Generals and opens fire.
Cyber-Poof-gun makes a WHIZZING NOISE and fires out fireballs, which cut a swathe through the Montagian Generals.
THE MISTRESS
No, stop you idiots! You’ve fallen into the Doctor’s trap!
Cyber-Poof-Leader fires his Cyber-Poof-gun and shoots the Mistress who screams and falls to the ground with her stomach smoking.
As the Montagian Generals open fire, Quark-Leader raises his arms and starts firing out blasts of flames which WHOOSH out and set fire to a number of Montagian Generals.
The Montagian Generals run around screaming for a few seconds, then collapse to the ground into small mounds of ashes.
SALTARAN WARRIOR aims his laser-rod at Quark-Leader
and fires.
The laser-beam hits Quark-Leader, ricochets off him and hits Psycho-Babe.
Psycho-Babe screams, and then EXPLODES into a million small pieces of silicate.
QUARK-LEADER
Oh no, I have failed my mistress; she will be displeased with me.
THE DOCTOR
Well, as a great man once said, “You can’t please everyone.”
PETITE TOOTS (Singing.)
“So you’ve only got to please yourself. But it’s all right now. I’ve learned my lesson well….”
MEGAN/THE DOCTOR/TURDLOW/PRINCE/KING/WITCH DOCTOR
Shut up, dingle!
Saltaran Warrior aims his laser-rod at Cyber-Poof-Leader and fires again and again.
Smoke starts gushing from the breast-plate of Cyber-Poof-Leader, who starts waving his arms round wildly.
Cyber-Poof-Leader’s head EXPLODES and he falls to the ground.
Quark-Leader fires his flames out and envelopes Saltaran Warrior who bursts into flames.
Saltaran Warrior screams, drops his laser-rod and runs round screaming until he burns to cinders.
Montagian Generals continue firing their laser-rifles as Quark-Leader’s flames WHOOSH out and envelop them one by one.
Each time one of the Montagian Generals is set alight he runs round screaming until he burns to ashes in only seconds.
The Silver-Hornbag is holding a small silver handset.
She aims it at Megan and starts pressing some buttons.
Megan suddenly steps forward and picks up Saltaran Warrior’s laser-rod and spins round toward the Doctor.
MEGAN (Trance-like.)
Must kill the Doctor! Must kill the Doctor!
She aims the laser-rod and fires, just missing the Doctor.
PETITE TOOTS
I think Megan’s upset at you about something, Doc.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, dingle, her mind is being controlled by the Silver-Hornbag!
MEGAN (Trance-like.)
Must kill the Doctor! Must kill the Doctor!
She aims the laser-rod and fires again, just missing the Doctor again as the Doctor leaps aside.
In the b/g Montagian Generals and Quark-Leader keep exchanging fire.
Prince and King race forward and grab Megan and wrestle with her until King takes the laser-rod off her.
KING
Snap out of it my lady.
He slaps her lightly across the face three or four times.
Megan moans and almost collapses, but is held up by Prince and King.
PETITE TOOTS
Hit her again!
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, can’t you see she’s free of the control now?
PETITE TOOTS (Insistent.)
I don’t care, hit her again. She’s been asking for it for a long time, the way she teases me.
TURDLOW/THE DOCTOR/KING
Shut up!
MEGAN (Hysterical.)
Oh my God, my God! I can’t believe that my mind was occupied.
PETITE TOOTS
Makes a change, doesn’t it!
MEGAN (Angry.)
Shut up, you minute morphodite.
PETITE TOOTS
You shut up!
THE DOCTOR (Frustrated.)
Petite Toots, you’re old enough now not to be so childish…
(Half a beat.)
Just because you’ve got away with things in the past.
PETITE TOOTS (Indignant.)
Well, look who’s talking!
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
How dare you? What have I ever got away with?
PETITE TOOTS
Well, you carelessly wiped out the whole population of the planet Zeton.
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/MEGAN/PRINCE/ KING/WITCH DOCTOR
Accidents will happen, you know!
PETITE TOOTS
You got away with almost enslaving the whole galaxy to the Cyber-Poof-Leader by grossly violating the first rule of time to bring Megan back to life.
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/MEGAN/PRINCE/
KING/WITCH DOCTOR
No one’s perfect, you know!
PETITE TOOTS
Your interference reduced Mars to a barren, uninhabited wasteland after it was a thriving metropolis!
THE DOCTOR
Well….
THE DOCTOR/PETITE TOOTS/TURDLOW/MEGAN/PRINCE/
KING/WITCH DOCTOR
It’s not entirely my fault.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up, everybody!
Throwing down the handset in disgust, the Silver-Hornbag holds out her left palm and a great burst of light pours out and hits Marie Antoinette.
Marie Antoinette screams, then collapses to the ground.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian turns on the Silver-Hornbag.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN
How dare you, she was my consort!
SILVER-HORNBAG
Until she betrayed you by siding with Cyber-Poof-Leader.
Quark-Leader has set alight the last of the Montagian Generals, so he turns toward Zontag Zeekgrikkian and the Silver-Hornbag.
Quark-Leader sends flames WHOOSHING from his arms to engulf the Silver-Hornbag.
The Silver-Hornbag screams and races about madly, till collapsing to the ground as a pile of ashes.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian aims a small laser-gun at the grates in the neck of Quark-Leader and fires.
Quark-Leader starts spinning around madly, then finally his head EXPLODES and he falls to the ground.
ZONTAG ZEEKGRIKKIAN (Throwing her arms into the air.)
I alone survive! I alone shall decide the fate of this miserable planet and its inhabitants.
WITCH DOCTOR
Not if I can help it.
Witch Doctor throws a spear, which hits Zontag Zeekgrikkian in the heart.
Zontag Zeekgrikkian screams, then falls to the ground, dead.
THE DOCTOR (Amazed.)
Now why didn’t we ever think to do that?
The Doctor and the others stare in shock at the body-strewn battlefield.
KING
Doctor, your plan to divide and conquer worked.
MEGAN
I guess you’re not such a bimbo after all, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Of course not.
KING (To Megan.)
But you said she was, my lady?
MEGAN
I did not.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I should hope not too.
MEGAN (Pointing at Petite Toots.)
She said it. I merely nodded my agreement.
PETITE TOOTS
Exactly.
THE DOCTOR
Shut up…!
(Half a beat.)
Both of you!
MEGAN
But, Doctor, how come the Mistress was here, when you already machine-gunned her down?
TURDLOW
She must have regenerated like Doc can do.
MEGAN
But wouldn’t she look different then?
THE DOCTOR
More likely she was from an earlier time-line. Before I machine-gunned her down.
MEGAN (Puzzled.)
But she was killed when you machine-gunned her down. If she’s now been killed from an earlier time-line…?
PETITE TOOTS
Then Doc has done it again!
TURDLOW
Oh God, we’ll probably find that giant snails now rule the galaxy thanks to the Doctor.
THE DOCTOR (Defensive.)
Well, no one’s perfect.
MEGAN (Shaking her head.)
Oy vay, you’re a stranger man than me Gunga-Din…
(Half a beat.)
I mean, Doctor.
TURDLOW
Looks like she’s sussed your secret, Doc.
PRINCE
What secret?
MEGAN
That the Doctor is really a man in very very bad drag.
THE DOCTOR (Glaring at her.)
You are without a doubt the dumbest person I have ever met, Megan.
MEGAN
Now I’m worried…
(Half a beat.)
If I’m dumber than her!
PETITE TOOTS
Doctor, did you ever see that old Maxwell Smart TV series?
THE DOCTOR
Yes, when I spent some time in the late 1960s. Why?
PETITE TOOTS
Cause there’s an episode where Ziegfried refers to Max as a bumbler and Shtarker says, “Then how come he always beats us?” And Ziegfried says, “Because he’s a lucky bumbler”.
THE DOCTOR (Puzzled.)
So what?
PETITE TOOTS
So in some ways that’s a good description of you too, “A lucky bumbler”.
(Doctor glares at her.)
I mean, no offence, Doc, but frankly you don’t know your own asshole from a hole in the ground…
(Half a beat.)
Yet somehow you always seem to defeat the villains!
THE DOCTOR
How dare you!
On the battlefield the images of the Mistress and the Silver-Hornbag both start to flicker and fade out.
After a second or two they both fade back in, this time as men.
PETITE TOOTS (Pointing.)
Hey, Doc, what’s going on there?
THE DOCTOR
The Silver-Hornbag and the Mistress have both regenerated again. Since they’re both Time-Dorks like me.
After a moment the male Silver-Hornbag and male Mistress stand up and look about the battlefield in shock.
They slowly start heading toward the Mistress’s Roman column.
TURDLOW
Doctor, they’re both getting away.
THE DOCTOR
Let them. They’ve learnt their lesson…
(Half a beat.)
I hope.
The Doctor turns and starts walking slowly back through the forest, followed by the others.
EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF NATIVE VILLAGE — DAY — THE DOCTOR
and the others walk into view from RHS of SHOT.
PETITE TOOTS
Well, that’s another adventure nicely completed.
KING
Almost completed. Now all we have to do is execute the Doctor for entering the forbidden city.
MEGAN
But surely we can overlook that this once, since she did help us to defeat Zontag Zeekgrikkian and her hordes.
KING (Wistfully.)
If only I could. But it is an inviolable law of our people that anyone who enters the forbidden city must be executed. And even I, as king, don’t have authority to pardon her.
THE DOCTOR
Well, in that case there’s only one thing I can say.
KING
What is that, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR (Cupping hands over mouth/Shouting.)
Chicken out, everybody!
The Doctor takes off through the village to LHS of SHOT, with Turdlow not far behind.
After a moment Petite Toots starts after them.
King, Prince, and Witch Doctor stare after them in shock.
KING (Shouting.)
Doctor, come back here. It is the law of our people, damn it!
After a second King, Megan, Prince and Witch Doctor start running after the Doctor, Petite Toots and Turdlow.
EXT. CLEARING BY A FOREST — DAY — RETARDIS
is standing in the clearing.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS O/S RHS of SHOT, then the Doctor
races into SHOT and runs into the Retardis, closely followed by Turdlow.
ENGINE WHIRRING and the Retardis’s doors close.
Seconds later Petite Toots races into SHOT and runs up to the Retardis and tries to push open the doors, which are locked.
PETITE TOOTS (Hammering on doors with fists.)
Let me in, Doctor!
OLD MOTOR TURNING OVER BADLY then Retardis vanishes.
PETITE TOOTS (Shouting.)
Doctor, you great, hairy dingleberry!
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS then King, Megan, Prince, and Witch Doctor race into SHOT from RHS.
KING
Where are they?
PETITE TOOTS
They’ve gone, the great dingles. They forgot me.
MEGAN
Cheer up you pint-sized peanut-brain, you can live here with my hubby’s tribe.
PRINCE
Yeah, we can call you the Princess of the Dingleberry Tribe.
PETITE TOOTS
Shut up!
KING
You know I still can’t decide about this Doctor friend of yours, my queen.
MEGAN
What can’t you decide?
KING
Whether the Doctor is a heroic coward…?
(Half a beat.)
Or a cowardly heroine?
MEGAN (Considering a moment.)
I think either is a good working description of her.
INT. RETARDIS, CONSUL ROOM — LIT — THE DOCTOR &
Turdlow standing at the controls.
TURDLOW
Where to now, Doc?
THE DOCTOR
Back to….
The Retardis lurches wildly throwing them both to the floor.
TURDLOW
What happened…
(Half a beat.)
This time?
THE DOCTOR
Some interfering prenet has taken external control of the Retardis…
(Half a beat.)
Again.
INT. COURT CHAMBERS — LIT — THE DOCTOR, &
Turdlow are standing before the bench, in front of President Veruka and the Vanguard again.
PRESIDENT VERUKA
So you finally defeated Zontag Zeekgrikkian and her Montagian Generals, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Not only that, but we mastered the intricacies of spooking Zontakian Grikkelspiek.
President Veruka and the Vanguard both look astonished.
FREEZE FRAME and hold for CLOSING CREDITS.
FADE OUT:
TAG:
FADE IN:
INT. EUNUCH HEADQUARTERS, LONDON — LIT — THE DOCTOR’S EN SUITE — THE DOCTOR
has hiked her skirt up almost to the crotch and is waxing her legs, while Swan-Li is watching.
SWAN-LI
Does that hurt, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
Well, let me put it like this.
(Pulling off a waxed strip.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SWAN-LI (Puzzled.)
I think I’ll take that as a “Yes”.
KNOCK ON DOOR, then the Brigadier enters.
THE BRIGADIER
Er, Doctor, I hope I haven’t caught you shaving.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I am not a man in very very bad drag! And no, I am just waxing my upper thighs.
THE BRIGADIER
Well, don’t let me stop you, I don’t mind.
THE DOCTOR
I bet you don’t, you pervert!
The Doctor takes another waxing strip and applies it carefully to her left thigh.
Then she slowly peels the strip away and screams again.
THE BRIGADIER
Hurts, does it?
THE DOCTOR
Just a whimsy.
THE BRIGADIER
Maybe you should do your face next to remove the beard and moustache.
THE DOCTOR (Indignant.)
I am not a man in bad drag, damn it!
She takes another waxing strip and applies it carefully to her thigh.
Then she slowly peels the strip away, and screams again.
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE, then the door opens and a middle-aged woman, DAISY, enters.
She stops and stares as she sees the Brigadier watching the Doctor waxing her legs.
DAISY
What is the meaning of this, Alex.
THE BRIGADIER
Oh gawd, it’s the wife…
(Half a beat.)
Er, well, um, that is, this is the Doctor, whom I’ve told you about, Daisy dear.
DAISY (Looking Doctor up & down slowly.)
This is the Doctor…?
(Half a beat.)
The same Doctor, who you assured me, was a frumpy, middle-aged redhead?
SWAN-LI
Actually, that’s a pretty good description of the Doc.
THE BRIGADIER
Yes, that’s her.
DAISY
Boy, are you ever in deep shit when we get home, Alex!
FADE OUT:
END OF TAG:
END OF FILM:
© Copyright 2010
Philip Roberts
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