My motives originate from experiences unique to myself. I live the way I do because I admit to ignorance, what sets my life apart from others is my burning desire to quench my ignorance. Death is a mystery humanity tends to push aside to the darkest corner of its mind. Death is real, and I have witnessed its merciless face.

During my service to the French in World War 1, an innocent young man, Patsy, sacrificed his life to save mine during combat. He squandered his own chance to live life, and yet allowed me to live mine. I came to believe life was precious, and I found it difficult to revert back to a lifestyle based around material wealth when exposed to a path extending beyond a mere lifespan.

Experiencing death directly allowed for my quest for knowledge to begin. I told Isabel, “I want to make up my mind whether God is or God is not. I want to find out why evil exists. I want to know whether I have an immortal soul or whether when I die it is the end” (Maugham 69). My decision to embark on this quest cost me Isabel, and I was compelled to spend a few years in Paris, randomly reading and learning about everything I could.

I traveled to a coal mine in Lens, where I was sure the arduous labor would help to soothe my soul. I met Kosti, a man who enhanced my interests and furthered my education when he spoke of mysticism, albeit under the influence of alcohol. It was as if I had “lain awake in a darkened room and suddenly a chink of light shoots through the curtains” (105). I will always remember the horror that crept over my body when Kosti said “that the world isn’t a creation, for out of nothing nothing comes; but a manifestation of the eternal nature… that evil is as direct a manifestation of the divine as good” (105). Kosti liberated me from the narrow spiritual life in which I had been brought up, and ultimately aided me in my search for knowledge and self-existence.

Further liberating me from my narrow spiritual life was the physical indulgence and bliss brought forth by Suzanne. I soaked in her lifestyle, realizing that a plain and sincere way of life brought happiness. Soon after I encountered Father Emsheim, who convinced me to live for three months in an Alsace monastery. While I enjoyed learning about Catholicism and the way of living for monks, a question still agitated me: