Most of my childhood memories revolve around visiting rehabs… not eating for long periods of time because we simply couldn’t afford food. Relapse after relapse, I watched my dad slowly kill himself. I will never forget listening in on the conversations my parents had about planning their suicides.

My dad’s addiction was the reason he wanted to die, and the stress it put on my mom was the reason for hers. I have seen my dad have full on seizures from his addiction. During one seizure he came out of it and was compleltey out of it. He chased my brother around the house and had no idea who anyone was. My brother, 14 at the time, cried for so long in my arms that night.

I used to be very against drinking and drugs due to what it has done to my family. But my sophomore year in high school, I started partying… hard. During one of my dad’s relapses… I found his bottle and drank myself to oblivion. I thought, “If he can do it… and he’s the adult then why can’t I?” Later that same night, I went to a party. I blacked out and remember bits and pieces of my friend’s uncle touching me all night. He was in his thirties and after my blackout I woke up in his bed… without any clue of what happened.

Not knowing still tears me apart. I used to blame my dad… but it was all my fault. And all the alcohol. All the while I had a boy in my life who was addicted to drugs. I cared… and still care about him so much. To watch someone you trust and love ruin their lives and be affected by this disease hurts so much. But through all this I learned how to have hope. My dad has been following the tweleve step program and I have never seen him so happy. Things are finally falling into place again and it feels good.

The pain and the things I had to go through to get to this point will always be with me. I still fear that one day I will turn out like my dad. My drinking scares me sometimes but I think I finally got to know what I can and can’t handle. The most important thing I learned through all this is that you can’t save someone who doesnt want to be.

But there is always hope. Never give up*