I watched the wind-blasted rock from my window that night, the moonlight picking off the waves as they hit the shore. I realised we were living in one of the most romantic locations of the northern hemisphere, and I had met a girl who seemed to really like me. When I thought about Mary, everything that had happened since leaving London, even leaving mum behind, suddenly seemed worthwhile. I couldn’t give her up.

Whatever it was I was going to do to Michael to get him off my back had to be permanent and lasting. I couldn’t give him the opportunity to come back at me afterwards. I hardly slept for working it all out.

Mary agreed to be the bait. She spoke to Michael the next morning and told him she had been wrong to go out with me and that it had all been a big mistake. More than that, she said, she realised that splitting up with him had been an even bigger mistake and she would really love it if they got back together again. That would be one in the eye of that English upstart. Michael took it all in with glee, and they arranged to meet up at lunchtime to discuss how they would celebrate their reunion. Michael told all his mates he was back with the beautiful Mary and that he had got one up on the English boy.

There was a small crowd in the playground at lunchtime. They had all heard about the great reunion and were eager to witness it, but while Michael waited eagerly for Mary to appear, it was me who showed.

“Get lost, Stuart. Mary will be here soon enough, and she doesn’t want to see you spoiling the atmosphere.”

“Oh but I’ve brought Mary with me,” I said.

“What are you talking about?”

“She’s in the box.”

At my feet was a small cardboard box with handles on it.

“Don’t mess about,” he said, visibly tensing, “I mean it.”

I opened the box and picked Mary up, hissing, a beautiful green adder and the model for dad’s new zoo brochure cover, completely harmless. Michael didn’t know she was harmless. Like Indiana Jones in the movie, he turned white and began to hyperventilate. He gathered up his coat and with half of the rest of the playground started running. Funnily enough, after that, I found it easier to make friends. That evening I spent it sitting on the wind-blasted rock staring out to sea, with two Marys for company.