Dear Hideous Monster,

So you cancelled the cruise and instructed the captain to put me off at the next port of call?  Since that would be Honolulu, Greg and I don’t mind one bit. In fact, we’ll be thrilled to get off this leaky tub.

I hope you get a lot of money back from cancelling my ticket.   You’re going to need it.

While I was in our winter home, back in Florida, I called time and temperature in Japan and laid the receiver down on the bedside table.

Also, while Greg and I were exploring Easter Island on horseback, we came across two old men who were closing their construction business.  We paid them to go to the U.S. Embassy in mainland Chili and file a mechanic’s lein on your mansion in Chicago, your winter home in Florida and our little house in Maine.  If you want to sell any of your property, you’ll have to find those dudes and pay them to drop the leins.  You’d better hurry; they are really old.

Greg is amazing, he’s a lawyer,  you know.  Did I  mention that his last name is Swanson?  He was once married to your little Judge Floozy.

By the way, did she ever tell you that she has herpes?

Allison