The sunlight that had been brightening the yard climbed on to the wall and the groups of school children, carrying their school bags on their backs began to appear. Then suddenly I realized that I had been standing there for about an hour but Sanjay had not turned up.

Somewhat annoyed I enter the room where the books, some open and some closed, are scattered all over the table in one corner. I stare at them for a while and then I open the cupboard and look at the clothes, all stuffed together recklessly. I should not have wasted my time; instead, I could have arranged the clothes. But I don’t feel like arranging the clothes properly and I close the cupboard.

If he was not supposed to come, why did he give me time? This is not something which is unusual; he is always late in coming. I am the one who begins to wait for him hours before his arrival. When he does not come on time, I don’t feel like doing anything. Why doesn’t he understand that my time is very precious? I have to complete my thesis and I can’t waste my time like this. How can I make him realize this?

I sit down and attempt to read something but I can’t. A sudden movement of the curtains startles me and I look at the wall clock. Every stir in the surroundings seems to be a sign of his arrival.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Mehta’s five year old daughter enters the room.

“Auntie, will you tell me a story?”

“No, not now, please come some other time,” I try to get rid of her. She runs out of the room.

Mrs. Mehta is a unique character because she does not visit me for months but sends her little daughter whenever she likes. Mr. Mehta is not like his wife; he meets me at least once in a week and asks about myself, about my health, my studies, etc. His wife is quite arrogant. I don’t mind it because I don’t have to be under her control. If she were close to me, I am sure she would restrain my movements.

Suddenly, the familiar knock on the door brings me back to myself. It is Sanjay. I deliberately pretend to be concentrating in my book. Carrying a bouquet of flowers, Sanjay is smiling at the door. I raise my eyes towards him but I don’t smile. He laughs and takes a step forward. Pressing my shoulders gently with his both hands, he says, “Are you really angry with me?”

The flowers have perfumed the room and ambiance seems to be lively.

I pretend annoyance and say, “Why should I be angry?”

He turns my chair and I face him. He places his right hand under my chin and raises my face, “What can I do? I was with my friends and it was impossible to come earlier.”

I wanted to say, “You are worried about your friends but you don’t worry at all about me!” but I can’t speak a single word.

I look at his face, glistening with the drops of sweat. Had it been any other occasion, I would have wiped his face with my shawl but not today. He gives me a gentle smile, with his pleading eyes demanding my pardon. I can’t help it. He sits on the side bar of the chair and begins to caress my cheeks. I particularly don’t like this habit of his because he angers me a lot and then begins to shower his love.  He knows very well that my resentment can’t stand before his love and affection. He throws out the old flowers and arranges the fresh flowers in the flower vase. He knows that I love flowers and he has made it his habit to bring flowers every time he visits me. I can’t live without the scent of the flowers. It helps me in better concentration while studying. Actually, the flowers keep on reminding me of his presence there.

After some time, we go out. Suddenly, I remember Ira’s letter. I inform him about Ira’s letter. She has written that I should be ready for the interview because call might come any day.

“From Calcutta?” he says, after a momentary thought. Then he suddenly springs like a child on his feet and says, “If you get the job, Deepa, it will be the most wonderful thing!”

We are on road otherwise I am sure he would have hugged and kissed me then and there. I don’t like it when he behaves like a child. Does he want that I should go to Calcutta, away from him?

Then he says, “If you get this job, I will also apply for my transfer to Calcutta Head Office. I am really fed up with the clamor of this city. I wanted to get myself transferred but I postponed every time because I think of you. I know that my office life will be better but my evenings will be mournful.”

His voice touches me and I feel that everything has suddenly become so pleasant.

We have already walked for about an hour. Finally, we reach our favourite spot in the park, a small mound covered with grass. Moonlight has already provided silvery shade to the surroundings. Unlike the city, the air is fresh here. He speaks for hours about his office, his future plans but I remain a mere listener. I love looking at his face while he is speaking.

Finally, when he stops, I begin, “I am scared to go to the interview. I don’t know what they are going to ask me. This is my first interview.”

He begins to laugh.

“You are really stupid, Deepa! You live away from home, in a rented room in this city. You are doing research and writing your thesis. You travel all over the world, and still you are afraid of an interview?” he gives a gentle pat on my left cheek. Then he continues, “This interview is only a formality, actually you will have to use influence of a powerful person to succeed.”

“But I have never been to Calcutta. I don’t know anyone there, except Ira. I don’t know whether she has any influence there or not,” I say in a resigned tone.

“Don’t you know anybody else there? Nishith lives in Calcutta too,” he says.

“So what? I have nothing to do with him,” I get angry. I don’t know why but I knew that he would mention Nishith’s name there.

“You have nothing to do with him?” he tries to tease me.

I look angrily at him and say, “Look, Sanjay, I have already told you thousand times that don’t bring Nishith in your jokes. I don’t like it at all!”

He laughs loudly but his laughter increases my anger.

We get up and get ready for our walk back to my room. He presses my left shoulder with his right hand. I remove his hand and shout, “What are you doing? People are looking at us!”

“Let them look, I don’t mind it.”

“But I do! I can’t be shameless like you.”

I don’t like it at all when he attempts something like this even on a deserted road. I get worried because we are in a town that is not in UK or USA. We must not cross the boundaries of the social manners of the place.

When we reach my room, I insist that he stay there for some time but he does not agree. He hugs me tightly and kisses me passionately on my lips. It is our daily routine. I don’t object to it, in fact, I like it.

After that he leaves me there and goes out. I come out on to the balcony and look at him. With every moment, his figure begins to decrease in size and finally it changes into a dot and then disappears. I enter my room again and begin to read my book.

I occupy the bed and begin to stare at the flowers in the vase. I feel as if those flowers were Sanjay’s eyes, always watching me. I feel shy when I change my dress in the loneliness of my room. I feel his presence everywhere.

Once I had told him about this experience of mine and he had his laugh and then he had kissed me gently with his favourite phrase, “You are stupid!”

I might go mad some day. Who knows?

I know that Sanjay is often suspicious of Nishith but how should I convince him that I hate Nishith. Even mere mention of his name is hateful to me. I was only eighteen when I was in love with Nishith. It was not really love; it was, in fact, infatuation. Everything had happened too quickly. The love lasted for about a year and after that there was break up to be followed by sleepless nights filled with tears, silence and meaninglessness. But time is a big healer and soon everything comes back to normalcy.

When I met Sanjay, I forgot Nishith and my tears got transformed into laughter and my sighs took the voice of joyous shrills. But Sanjay continues to torment me with the thought of Nishith. Why doesn’t he understand that I feel hurt when he brings Nishith in to our conversation? I think he is still not convinced of my love. How should I make him realize him that I really love him? How should I tell him that he is the centre of my love, my delicate emotions, my future, and my numerous plans? Yes, he listens carefully when I tell him about my thesis, my past life but I feel that something is missing.

I don’t know how to make him understand that Nishith has insulted me and I have been suffering since the break up. Nishith never loved me; he used me.

Why don’t you understand Sanjay that I love you? If I had even the slightest soft corner for Nishith in my heart, would I fall in your embrace, would I accept your kisses on my lips, would I spend hours sitting with you? My culture never allows me to kiss a boy before marriage but I let you do everything. Why don’t you feel my love? There is no place for Nishith in my life. He was a cheat, a fraud.

…………………….

The day after tomorrow, I am to go to Calcutta but I am really scared lest I should be nervous during the interview. I am forcing Sanjay to accompany me but he is finding it hard to get leave from his office. In a new city, an interview, but it would be easier if someone my own accompanied me. I live alone in my single room apartment, I move around alone, but Sanjay thinks that I am a bold girl. No, he does not know that I am a timid girl. Even the stirring of a leaf is enough to scare the hell out of me.

I have accepted it as a truth that I have got the job and I have started living in Calcutta with Sanjay. It is a beautiful dream but the fear of this interview shatters this dream. I wish Sanjay could go with me!

The train enters the Howrah Railway Station in Calcutta and my nervousness increases. Strange thoughts begin to develop in my mind. Thousands of people are present on the platform to receive their near and dear ones. My eyes begin to look for Ira. I don’t find her. Finally, I call a porter and tell him to carry my bag. He follows the order and, carrying my bag, begins to walk in front of me. Suddenly, a touch of a hand on my arm stops me. I get startled and I turn. Ira is standing there, wiping the sweat with a handkerchief, “Sorry, I am a bit late!”

I thank god and say, “I was not sure how I would reach your house. Look at the crowd of the people!”

We sit in a taxi and I take a deep breath. The taxi reaches over the Howrah Bridge and cool air touches my face. In the river below, boats, trawlers, barges, and small ships attract me.

Soon, our taxi enters a congested area. The city is overcrowded. People, trams, taxis, rickshaws, buses, all seem to be hurrying towards their destinations.

Finally, when we reach a broad road, and a smooth taxi ride begins, I turn to Ira, “Who will be interviewing me? I am really scared!”

“There is nothing to be scared of. Everything is going to be all right. You have made your career all by yourself. Why should you be afraid of an interview?” she tries to encourage me, and then changes the topic, “Your brother and sister-in-law are in Patna, aren’t they? Do you visit them?”

“I visited them once from Kanpur. Yes, I do write them letters from time to time,” I gave her a smile.

“Your brother and sister-in-law are really strange! They could not get along well with a sister?” Ira looks at me questioningly.

I don’t like this topic because I don’t want to talk about my family.

Ira has a very well decorated and furnished small house. I was disappointed to know that her husband was out of station. Had he been in Calcutta, he would have definitely helped me, I mean, used his influence on my behalf. But then I felt that I could be more frank with Ira in his absence. Her little son is really cute.

In the evening, Ira takes me to the Coffee House. I see Nishith there. I turn my eyes in other direction but he has already seen us. He rushes to our table. I must greet him. I introduce Ira to Nishith.

“When did you arrive?”

“This morning.”

“How long are you going to stay in Calcutta? Where are you staying?”

Ira answers him and I keep quiet. Nishith has changed a lot. He has long hair like poets. I don’t know why he is dressed like that. His complexion has gone dark and he looks very thin. We don’t talk much, and finishing our coffee we leave our seats. Ira is worried about her little one. I am also eager to go back to her house. He walks us up to the main street. Ira gives him her address. Nishith promises to reach there next morning at 9:00 sharp.

I have met Nishith after three years. Past begins to unfold in my mind. Why is he so weak? He must have been living with an agony. Has he been suffering like this because of our separation? However comforting and satisfying imagination could be, I know that it is a lie. I had not told him to break our relationship. He was the one who had informed me that he wanted to go away, away from me.

Suddenly, sense of regret began to overpower me. Why hadn’t I refuse to recognize him? He had insulted me, insulted my love, and left me alone. I should have been indifferent to him in the Coffee House. All right, let him come tomorrow. I will inform him that I am going to marry Sanjay. I will tell him that I have forgotten everything that had happened in the past. I will tell him on his face that I hate him and I will never forgive him.

But then I begin to think in other direction. Three years have passed. Why hasn’t he married yet? Why should I be worried about him? I can’t help it and I continue to think about him. May be he is still waiting for me, who knows? He is wasting his time.

I had told you, Sanjay, to accompany me. Look, now I am here, all alone, thinking about you. What should I do now?

………………

I had no idea that getting a job was really an uphill task. According to Ira, Ministers of State send their recommendation and use their influence on behalf of a candidate for a job that is not highly rewarding. My job is highly paid job.

Nishith has been with us since morning. He says that he has connections and he will leave no stone unturned in getting this job for me. I don’t know why he is doing all this for me.

Yesterday, I was thinking that I would tell him that I hate him and I don’t want to meet him again but when I looked out of the window this morning, I saw him waiting for me in the street below fifteen minutes before the appointed time. Had it been Sanjay, he would not have turned up before 11 O’ clock.

I began to feel strange. I did not want to scold him. I did not want to hate him. When I told him about the purpose of my visit, he began to dial the numbers of his friends. He rang up many officers and enquired about the people who were going to interview me. He had already taken leave from his office.

I was really in a very precarious situation. I was neither in a situation to accept his politeness nor reject him. I spent the whole day with Nishith but he talked only about my job. I could not tell him about Sanjay, though I wanted to. I was afraid that he would lose interest in my job if I informed him about Sanjay.

This job is very important to me and I know that my married life would be comfortable if I got the job.

In the evening, we come back to Ira’s house. I invite him to tea but he does not stop. After a few moments, he leaves me there and goes out of the house.

Before falling asleep, I look at the flowers brought by Sanjay but I don’t find any flowers in this room in Ira’s house.

…………………..

Three hours after my interview, Nishith comes to me and informs me that my selection is a certain thing. I know that it has only been possible because Nishith has used his connections and influenced the officers.

We are sitting on a bench outside the office building. Evening is descending and the dying sunlight is touching his face.

After three years, once again, I find Nishith attractive and pleasing. I feel that he is more delighted about my prospects. I know that generally he never seeks favours but in my case he has sought many people’s favours. Why? Does he want that I should start living with him in Calcutta? If he is nourishing any such notion, it is quite wrong.

I am determined to inform him about my relationship with Sanjay. I am about to open my mouth when he speaks, “We should celebrate today! Your job! What do you say?”

I look at Ira and she nods in approval but she is not ready to go with us and says that her little one is not feeling well. I don’t want to go alone but when I look at Nishith, my resolution fails. I know that he likes blue colour. I wear a blue sari with matching ear rings and necklace. While dressing, I keep on scolding myself. Why are you dressing like this? Are you trying to attract him? You are stupid, Deepa!

Finally, when I face him, he smiles and whispers, “You look very beautiful in this blue sari.”

I sense a rush of blood on my face, my temples burning. I was not ready for this compliment. He had been so quiet for two days and now suddenly he had spoken this pleasantly surprising sentence.

Sanjay never paid attention to my dresses and he never used such pleasant words, whereas he has full right to do so and Nishith has said everything without any right.

I want to listen to such beautiful words from Sanjay’s mouth but he never speaks in this way. I have been going steady with Sanjay for two years but he has never been so romantic in his vocabulary. Every evening we go out. I have dressed so many times for him but he has never praised it.

I will definitely tell him about these three days with Nishith in Calcutta. I want to see his reaction. If he really loves me, he will smile and laugh it away.

Nishith stops a taxi and orders the driver to drive to the Park Hotel. I know that it is a five star hotel and the restaurants must be very expensive there. I have money in my purse and I know that it would be enough to pay for the dinner.

After the dinner, Nishith pays the bill. He smiles and says, “I have a fat salary but I have little expenses. In three years I have been able to save a little.”

I wanted to pay the bill but he stopped me.

…………………………

I have to leave Calcutta today. Nishith has come to the railway station to see me off. He is very caring and he says, “Have you taken everything, I mean, water bottle, your ticket, your purchased items, etc.?”

I smile and nod. Why is he so nice now? Why had he left me three years ago? I can’t understand him. I must talk to Sanjay about him.

After thirty six hours of long journey I reach my city. My eyes begin to look for Sanjay. I had already phoned him. I don’t find him anywhere.

Finally, I enter my room and there it is. A letter is waiting for me on the table.

Dear Deepa,

                            Sorry, I could not make it to the railway station today. I have to go to Mumbai for three days. It is an official assignment. I will be back on Monday. I hope everything went well in Calcutta. I will phone you when I reach Mumbai.

With love

Sanjay

How easy it is for Sanjay to leave a letter like this! I begin to compare him with Nishith. Is Sanjay taking me for granted? No, it can’t be true, he is like that. His nature is so. I don’t mind it but, at least, he should use a lover’s vocabulary while talking to me. Why is he so frank and straight? He is so unromantically romantic! I can’t understand him at all.

…………………..

After two days, I get a telegram from Ira: “You have been selected! Congratulations!”

I feel delighted but my mind races back to Nishith. Had it not been for Nishith, I would not have been able to get this job.

On third day, a letter arrived.

Hello Deepa,

                     I know Ira has already informed you about your selection. I am so happy for you. I won’t be able to meet you in Calcutta because tomorrow I am going to France. They have provided me a scholarship for my further studies in literature. I forgot to tell you that I have been writing for three years and my first novel was published under my pseudonym ‘Alankar’. I have been working for a publication house for three years.

When I reach France, I will phone you.

Seeking your pardon

Nishith

When I finished reading the letter, I felt that tears were ready to drop from my eyes.

I am going to tell Sanjay everything now. This will convince him that there is nothing between Nishith and me. He will be happy to know that Nishith has flown away from my life.

………………………………

I am waiting for the familiar knock. I know that he won’t come on time but it has become my habit to wait for the knock. He is late again. The familiar knock is heard and he enters with his trademark bouquet of flowers.

“Hello, my dear love!” he smiles.

I am surprised because he has never been so romantic in his diction. I leave my seat and run to him. He keeps the flowers on the table and quickly hugs me. Our embrace is broken only after passionate exchange of innumerable kisses. I am burning with desire. His touch is maddening and I am losing myself.

When the first lovely turmoil is over, I smile at him and say, “I met Nishith in Calcutta.”

I am expecting harsh and mocking words from him but he smiles and says very softly, “I know.”

“How do you know?” I am surprised.

“It is a long story, Deepa,” he tries to be indifferent.

“You must tell me everything, Sanjay!” I literally shout.

He begins, “I have known Nishith for two years. It is going to be a surprise for you.”

“How do you know him?” I ask curiously.

“Three months after our first date, one evening, when I reached your room, I found that you were not there. You had gone to meet your brother Patna. You had not informed me about your brother at that time….”

“Yes, I remember…”

“I was about to go back, seeing the lock on the door when a young man called me and asked about you. He was Nishith. He had come to apologize to you but when he came to know that I was your boyfriend he told me a strange story. According to him, he was suffering from a very serious disease. His one kidney needed to be transplanted. He did not want to disturb your studies and he went out of your life without telling you about his real situation. He said that he had only a few years of life left and he did not want to leave you in sorrow after his death. Having told me about his disease, he took a promise from me that I would never tell you about his disease. Yes, if I wanted, I could tell you that he had come to apologize…”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about his visit?”

“I was waiting for the right time. This morning he phoned me that you have been selected and he also told me about his scholarship and about going to France,” said Sanjay.

“Does that convince you that I love you, Sanjay? But now I have to correct myself. I love you and I love Nishith too. Yes, I love him but I will marry you,” I don’t know how I gathered courage and spoke those words.

Sanjay begins to smile. He takes me in his embrace and says, “Nishith told me that you are a wonderful girl. I love you too.”

The scent of the flowers begins to spread in the room but this time my mind is only thinking about Nishith. I know that this is the only truth!

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