“Alcoholics of the world owe a tremendous debt to Charles F. Dowd, who proposed we have time zones, and William F. Allen whose system of time zones The United States ended up adopting. Before this time in history, I call The Dark Ages, if someone saw you drinking a gallon of wine or several beers in a row, especially in a Temperance State, they’d look at you disapprovingly, sigh and often make a joke at your expense. Usually on my inability to wait until night, or the very least happy hour, for a drink. I have often been told that nightcaps were never intended for nine in the morning’. Now if someone says something about the unusual hour of my drinking, I can say, ‘It’s midnight somewhere in the world’ and this would be true.

“However until November 18, 1883, a.k.a. The Day of Two Noon’s, no one could say its midnight somewhere in the world for such a statement would have been considered axiomatically false. For one assumed that if it was 2 o’clock in Tallahassee it must be equally 2 o’clock in Cairo. This we know to be a tremendous error and many a rummy was denied their beverage of choice because of this careless oversight by astronomers. It’s a good thing we do not live under such Draconian times with arbitrary understandings of reality and the flow of time as it relates to a spherical Earth. It is a joy that we live in a time of reason and compassion. Now can I have another drink?”

“Sir you can barely stand,” the bartender said, “I doubt you have the prerequisite skills even to swallow. I’m calling you a taxi.”
“And I’m calling you a jerk.”
“You can call me whatever you want…in the taxi.”
“Maybe I will,” says the rummy while the bartender was phoning the taxi company The Rummy looked into bar mirror and saw his flushed face that made him resemble a maraschino cherry. “Thank you Dowd and Allen” was the last thing he could remember before he fell off the bench.