WRITING WHAT I KNOW.  There is enough about my life to fodder for eternity.  I titled this entry in my Journal as Evil2, but how can I think evil when I am listening to a worship song at the same time?  It is funny to be thought of in so many different ways by different people and then by the same person over time.  Eventually all of them learn to love me.  I guess that is why I am confident in showing who I am.  Truly at the core of me I do feel I am Delightful, but then at the outer edges of that core I am full of manipulative tendencies or at least thinking of ways to handle a situation and becoming the role for that happening.  And pride which makes me have a fighter’s countenance or to ignore everyone’s opinion of me unless I somehow respect them usually bc of their talent amongst the social settings.  And then there is the facade of politeness and jollification that I do not seek to show online.  Only in person I am nice for I want my life to be easy and for people to side with me when in difficult situations. 

And it works.  What works is the only thing that guides my life; It is the only thing I know.  I do not understand Truth that the others proclaim or believe in…but I know I do know it only differently for what I do works most of the time if i can imagine the process to a specific outcome and can make sense out of things.  If it didn’t I would change my approach and try again.  In a way maybe I am an experimental social scientist for my own Good, and MAYBE the good of those I love at the time, or to accomplish some goal I made long ago that I do not really care for anymore but which i will do anyway so i can have faith in my next plans for the future and feel it is actually worth it bc I will be faithful to the plan and follow through.  If I am helpless at it like being socially awkward in highschool, I know it is not me because elsewhere I am finely attuned to the social situation.  It is them, not me, and it is based upon not always how I treat them.  I am just as bubbly and innocent looking to one as to the next and yet I will get completely different responses.  One may hate me, the other love me.  And so why should I have to be jolly?  It doesnt make all people like me, but the difference is that MOST people like me when I am that way and I end up having a good reputation undeservedly for I am but a role player out of necessity.

One time I went to a center for mentally sick people and was a client there.  I dressed sexy with a short skirt and a tube top and four inch leather knee high boots, and I put my feet upon the table when being interviewed for the first time (it was a man) and I asked a BUNCH of questions in class.  One woman said I cant dress the way I did and that I was “only trying to gain attention.”  To which I cried when I got home because a couple of my best friends who ended up hating me said the same thing…not with clothes, but with sparkly nail polish.  Then when I kept asking questions to the teacher after everyone left, bc i truly did not understand because i was just being technical I guess, trying to find out the truth is what I do and yet I never seem to find it from others.  She mentioned how I put my feet on the table-she must have seen me or heard it from gossip, and then she said at the end that she thought i was just trying to cause trouble in class but now she thinks i am actually trying to understand the answers.  I was doing a little of both actually…trying to know the Answer as well as to Cause Trouble and be the cool bad kid in class…at least that is how it worked in my highschool.  Nobody wanted to really learn but I was in the trouble-making Class of 2002, the class where teachers would get pregnant or move out of our school before we were to be taught by them.  I learned from these loser classmates who I actually respect for some odd reason, maybe bc they never accepted me as a friend which makes me feel I am just not good enough, but maybe it’s just because they knew I was too good for them.