All my life I prayed for a man that I could love and that would look past my imperfections; like those extra rolls on the side, that little toe nail that didn’t quite cover my toe or the fact that I didn’t know my true hair color.  You understand.  Anyway after many, many years, I finally met someone who looked past all of that.  All he sees is a sexy, bright eyed, female who can turn him on with her voice; literally.  After seven months of dating, talking and other things… he said he wanted to marry me.  I was over joyed. In fact, I glowed.  I was so proud that he wanted me to be his wife.  I still am.

However, it seems that since I have become engaged, so has my instinct to flirt.  I work in the customer service field; not meeting people over the phone, but face to face.  I was told by my co-workers that I flirt all the time.  Of course, I denied it.  But after careful consideration and observation, I found it to be true and finally admitted it to myself.  The thing that bothers me though is the fact that I have always been a flirt but since I have become engaged, it has gotten a lot worse. 

I have never had a desire to “talk to” any one else since I met my man.  However, lately, I have given my number out and taken a few numbers myself.  Most of them have not gotten a call from me, however, I have to admit that at least two of them have.  One came to nothing; I couldn’t get past the hair that hung out of the top of his shirt (yuk!).  The second, I am still lingering around; he’s quite interesting. 

I’m feeling really guilty because I feel like I’m cheating by talking to him; that’s all I have done. Nothing more. he has no idea that I am engaged or that I’m even involved. He holds an interesting conversation; but every time he wants to take it a step further, all I can think about is my man.  His deep voice, his gentle touch, his flattering words, his obvious love; the list is endless.  So why am I leading this other person on.

The only thing that I can conclude is that maybe I’m not ready to get married.  But it scares me to think of the possibilities; losing my man.  I really enjoy being with him and love him.  I would bend over backward (really) to accommodate him. However, what if I prove to be a big disappointment to him when we get married? What if I’m not at all what he expected.  Am I sabotaging my relationship with this wonderful man?

I just don’t know. I have waited for him all of my life.  He is everything that I’ve ever wanted in a man. Yet, I find myself getting deeper (conversationally) into another relationship that I don’t know how to get out of.  I know that this second relationship will never go any further.  I guess I really need to spend more time with my soon to be husband and less time thinking about why I’m flirting…this other guy.  I have what I’ve wanted all my life.  I love him with all of my heart. And I know that I don’t want to ever be with anyone else.  I need to just back away from all of the others and cling to what I know is true.  I love my man.