Twenty four pounds of aggressively mean turkey approaches me. He appears to be the leader of this vast group of nineteen marauding terrorist turkeys that have wreaked havoc on our quiet town for over a month. I am not unprepared for this encounter. I tighten my grip on the bow and arrow clutched in my hand that dangles at my side.

Mary Jane Anderson of 47 Meadow Brook Drive is responsible for this showdown between man and bird. Her thoughtless attempts at being nice have emboldened these animals with her gifts of bread crumbs and corn meal. Her Christian charity has extended this mob’s pecking order to include humans. Now they act as if they own the town and demand our servitude.

These attacks have to end! Jane Morrow was wheeling her one-year-old child down the sidewalk just last week, when they came right at her, flapping their wings and screeching, literally forcing her off the sidewalk onto the street. Had there been a car coming down the street at that time they might have been killed, due to this terrorist turkey attack.

John Adams who lives over on Elmwood was driving his Volvo ten days ago. He swerved to miss these turkeys and nearly ended up smashing into the oak tree on Fairmont Street.

Of course the Mayor was contacted about the attacks. The city counsel was assembled for an emergency session to discuss a remedy to this turkey power play. It was decided to hire a marksman, hit man, to end the reign of terror and get control of our town once again.

I have recently returned from Iraq. I know what it takes to defeat the enemy in the confines of a densely populated town. I can fight in the streets and look my enemy in the face and dispose of him or her for the greater good of the United States of America. “Bring on these turkeys” I said at the town meeting just yesterday. “They will wish they had never been hatched if I can do what I was trained to do”.

The massive tom turkey continues his advance. Egged on by his fellow insurgents he appears to be puffed up. I take a military stance and level my weapon at him. The arrow flies, hitting him in the drumstick, another finds its mark dead center in his breast. He falls to the pavement motionless.

The remaining turkeys turn tail and run. The day is won! A deep sense of pride overwhelms me. An adrenalin fueled feeling of superiority fills my being.