As I arrived in Chicago last night, it felt great to finally be back at the home of my high school years.  Even though I had a horrible time in high school, all while being a good student and never really able to fit in, I did enjoy the experience overall.  I never made any friends other than family and the Greeks from the neighborhood and I never hung out with anyone other than my cousins.  I remember my classmates made fun of me and and called me butterfingers because I could not even catch a softball, dodge ball, basketball, etc. I was always the last one picked when the goodlooking athletes and team captains chose a team during gym class.

It was not a good thing to be out and gay during those days.  I remember looking at all the guys’ wieners in the showers and would get so aroused by the hardbodied jocks that I even got an erection a couple of times.  To avoid more embarrassment I would put my underwear on really fast, so that my woody would not show.  There were times where I lied and said I got laid with certain girls, as if anyone at that school was ever going to believe that. It made me feel like a charlatan, trying to conform to the ideal student, and I remember how exhausted I became because I was not living in truth.

I was so far into the closet, I did not want anyone to know anything about me.  I was not able to express myself freely, because I was so scared someone would find out I was a homosexual and the secet would be out in the world.  I really wanted that secret to stay in the closet for a very long time. Being a real estate investor and landlord, I had the opportunity to control over 200 closets at one point in my life, each of them filled with secrets my tenants held.  Who knows how many closeted tenants I had over the years. 

Living in truth with the foreclosure and bankruptcy coming up in my life, I feel very much at peace with myself.  I think it’s because I’ve already come to terms with what my life would look like if I were to lose everything again, and it’s not so bad. Actually I feel relieved and free to pursue more of my dreams that have been held on the backburner.