March 6, 2008

What a mess we have gotten ourselves into as a country – and we only have ourselves to blame (a guy said that to me once as he was firing me and it has always stuck with me. He was a “blame the peon” kind of guy. One of those “yeah, I fucked up but it’s all your fault” kind of guy. We all know someone like that). As a country, we spend money like drunken Albanians (I would have said sailors but Albanians sounds so much more cosmopolitan. This is my first article and I’m trying to make a good impression. To be honest, I don’t know any Albanians and I apologize to all those misrepresented Albanians).

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah – the mess we have gotten ourselves into. Where does one begin? Do we start at the disaster in progress that we are experiencing with George (I am going to be a uniter, not a divider) Bush, or the holocaust promised to us by the brain dead ideas offered by the very likely socialist new President Clinton (ugh) or the equally likely new socialist President Obama (ugh). Despite what the press says, I have no problem with the race or gender of my President. It’s their ideas I object to.

Isn’t it amazing that all of these wonderful solutions to the problems in our lives come from northeastern Ivy League schools, as if we, the proletariat, are just too stupid to think for ourselves. As Bill Clinton once said, as a justification for raising our taxes, “I don’t think you (the average guy) would spend the money wisely.” Translation: you, the average person, are too stupid to spend you own money so I, the very wise and mature Bill Clinton, have to take it away from you and spend it for you on your behalf for your own good. (Monica, get off my dick. Monica, I’m trying to run a country here. Monica stop it… Monica, nice tongue; feels pretty good) With that statement, Bill had the people in San Francisco dancing in the streets in glee. Yeah, the socialist utopia is finally within our grasp, or at least that’s what Janine (let me use really big words that you don’t understand so you can appreciate how much smarter I am than you) Garofalo believes. From those with the greatest abilities to those with the greatest needs. Isn’t that the way it should be? (Hey buddy, I’m poor, I’m hurting, I’m desperate, I’m in need. I don’t want to work at WalMart or Target. They only pay $10 an hour. I’m 55; I have a 36” waist; I’m exceptional; I deserve $11 an hour. Pay me what I’m worth, you cheap asshole). Vote for Hillary. Vote for Barach. They will take away all of your problems in life. We are all victims of greedy oil companies, greedy pharmaceutical companies, greedy food companies, greedy diaper companies (I can’t believe a kid could crap that much, the little shit. Someone get me a cork).