The memories rushed in dauntingly, piercing straight through her heart like a knife, shaking up her insides, leaving her breathless. It was like a splash of cold water on a winter morning. She was aroused from a peaceful slumber, and she knew very well that she should not have been awakened. The memories were so powerful and they filled her with guilt so deep, she wanted to kill herself. She could smell his musky cologne on the pillow. She could feel his body’s warmth beside her, his chest rising and falling at regular intervals as he breathed. She felt his strong arms around her in those balmy summer nights; when he held her and wouldn’t let her go at any cost. She missed those times when he would just cuddle up to her for no reason, except to annoy her. She would sweep him away with a ‘tsk’ but he carried on with his tantrums. Ah, she really missed that. And somehow all his love on her was becoming a heavy burden on her shoulders. Or maybe it was getting into her nerves and she wanted to buzz it off like a bee. Probably not, since now her candid face was reddening with guilt and sorrowful tears welled up in those eyes. Those were the eyes that missed him; yearned to see him smiling. And yet, his very past-existence was like a heavy weight on her shoulder and she felt responsible to carry it throughout her life. She felt as though his love should have been enough for her to live with for the rest of her life. But it wasn’t. Truth be told, he had kept her very happy. She could still have had a happy ending had he been alive. She had been living in her own imagination after his death for way too long now and she knew that. On the other hand, the new love in her life was like a drug. She wanted to get rid of it but couldn’t. She wanted to, but she wasn’t sure if it was right. She thought of herself to be the most ungrateful person in the whole world since she couldn’t return any of their love. The two men in her lives who had promised to keep her happy forever. It was a moot point and she knew it. She knew she couldn’t leave everything like this. She knew she had to take up one side or the other. Unfortunately, she also knew that she couldn’t come up with a proper decision for that. True, forgiveness was divine, but it wasn’t easy to forgive oneself for a mistake.
When Jack was alive, she had been kept happy like no one else in the world. He made her feel special like no one did; as if she was the only girl in the world, as if she had been born just to be in his arms, protected by his love, honoured by his gaze. Rewinding those memories was like pulling a thread; she kept pulling it, and it never ended. She wasn’t getting over him, and she wasn’t staying with him, either. She was divided between the two most important persons in her life. It’s true, Jack brought meaning to her life, but David was there for her all the way from first grade. They had been just friends then. They still are, sort of. But she knew he felt something more for her, but was too much of a gentleman to actually say it to her. She knew him pretty well, in fact. The way he looked at her, his smile, his sacrifices- he was being more than just a friend. He lent her a shoulder to cry on. He protected her from her own sorrows. He was like a shot of tequila- he took away all her pain and only showered her with happiness. It left her feeling giddy with happiness for a short while but later on the misery and guilt came back to devour her. It made her want to turn inside out and scream with guilt. She felt she had given neither of them anything at all
David entered the room, a tissue box in his hands. He was wearing a loose grey t-shirt and grey track pants. His spiky black hair touched his forehead and he looked absolutely adorable. He looked at her with inquisitive eyes and asked her, ‘What’s wrong?’
But he didn’t need any telling. He already knew and was back to his ‘friend’ mode. He rubbed her back, comforting her. She felt his touch take away her agony, like poison being sucked from a wound. And she was getting addicted to it, very quickly. She moved away from his touch and did not say a word.
‘Tell me what happened. Come on, don’t be upset,’ he insisted. And when she didn’t respond he took her in his arms and rubbed her head, as if she was a five year old. She told herself, this is the voice I probably have fallen for. The comforting tone of his voice almost made her want to believe everything was okay. The friendliness and kindness in his voice urged her to spill everything to him. She wanted to cling to him and tell him he was fine, that even she loved him with all her heart. Well, three quarters of it. That’s something. It killed her to see him like that; to always be there for her, and never getting anything in return. It wasn’t like she didn’t have anything for him. She’s always had latent feeling for him but it was only until now that she realized.
The next thing she knew, she was in his arms, howling loudly and assuring him that no, she loved him a lot. David simply kissed her forehead and a teardrop escaped from his eyes as he told her, ‘I am suffering from blood cancer. You shouldn’t have fallen for me.’