One night in 1994, Artemis Finkleberry, a Civil War re-enactor with an uncanny resemblance to a young Abraham Lincoln, was playing Mortal Kombat II on a Sega Genesis he had rented, from a now defunct video rental chain, earlier that night. He had broken up with us his girlfriend over a trivial issue sometime in the afternoon, since then he has gotten very familiar with a bottle of Merlot around Happy Hour. Nothing mattered to him. Only the buttons on his controller and the television screen were real to him anymore. Artemis Finkleberry was gone. He was Johnny Cage fighting for Earthrealm now. Shao Kahn didn’t stand a chance.

In the middle of his Scorpion’s Living Forest, there was an epic battle between a honeybee colored ninja named Scorpion and a famous movie star named Johnny Cage. Artemis played Johnny, the computer played as Scorpion. Now even though Artemis got a few good kicks that made sure the battle wouldn’t end in flawless victory he himself wasn’t able to get victory or escape defeat. Scorpion knew better combos and pulled them off masterfully. He won. Suddenly the words Artemis and his proxy Johnny didn’t want to hear were inevitably uttered. “Finish Him!” Scorpion obliged. He did his chain-thing bringing Johnny “over here”. While Johnny was ready to receive his “fatality” Scorpion broke routine and said, “Johnny. May I ask you a question?” Johnny was in no condition to refuse anything so he let him, “How often to yesterday’s epiphanies degrade into tomorrow’s scrap heap of lame explanation. Don’t you wish to find something a little more substantial? Much more robust.” He hands Johnny a pamphlet he fetched from his pocket. “Once upon a time there was a man named Joseph Smith and one day he discovered two golden tablets….”

Artemis, a little spooked, removes the cartridge from the Sega and replaces it with Sonic the Hedgehog 2. He plays several levels of smooth sailing until he gets to Aquatic Ruin Zone. Sonic and Tails were running underwater, collecting coins as they did so, when Sonic suddenly stopped for a moment to ponder an idea. Tails looked around and gave a gesture, as if to say, “What are you doing? We have to get out of this place.” Tails looks at a nearby air bubble while Sonic just stands there lost in thought. Tails looks very concerned especially when he sees the hedgehog just standing there. Suddenly, Sonic screams, though a little muffled by the fact that he’s underwater, a message loud and clear, “Repent for the time of the kingdom of heaven is near. Repent!”