I watched through skype as you and your friends had dinner, I wished I was there. I could only help but wish I was by your side, even if for just one moment. You smile and laughed with those other two, I cried when you weren’t looking. I hid my feelings from you and started to write this, you will never see it. My Master, my Mistress. I long to be by your side…but there is nothing that i can do where I am. I hear you all playing and wrestling around, I can’t help but wish that I was there to play too. I’m alone and scared here, but no one will care. I could be gone and you would not miss me. I’m leaving now, its my turn to see the doctor. His news…I’m dying. I’ll never feel what you said I would have. I will never get to be by your side. I will never feel the happiness you promised me. I long for your punishment and your care as I cause myself pain. The only thing that lets me know I’m still alive as the sting of cold metal tearing open my skin. I only wish you knew…my secret death. As I lay down to sleep again tonight you watch me on Skype and I can’t help but cry and wish you were here. Anger, sorrow, care, and pain. All emotions I feel at how unfair my life has been. I sleep soundly knowing your watching, but when I wake, the screen is empty and the message you left me was the worst I could have ever gotten “I know your dying.” How did you find out? I cried and tried to call you but I got no answer. I panicked all day trying to get a hold of you but you never signed back on. You abandoned me…just like every one else when they found out. I curled up on my bed crying and let every tear fall on the little stuffed animal you gave me as I drifted away to sleep. ~beep~ ~beeep~ ~beep~ I could here the ringing of Skype, Master was calling! I answered and almost cried when you told me to go outside, that it was a nice day for me to get some sun. I wiped my tears and obeyed you though I didn’t want to leave the computer for fear that when I got back you would be gone again. As I opened my door…I fell to my knees and cried as you ran to me. You came…you came to my side and you held me whispering that you would always love me. I layed in your arms as your hands came up to my face and gave me a smack. I looked up shocked and you squeezed me into your arms telling me to stop destroying myself. I looked down and realized you had lifted my shirt to find my cuts, the long red stinging marks showing that I had just let them fester and grow infected. Tears fell faster than I thought they could. I layed there and you gave me a kiss, your final words to me were the last I heard before I lost my breath. As I stood there at the gates to Heaven St. Peter looked down at me from his golden pedestal and I couldn’t breath as he spoke “what did you do with your life?” he asked. I said the only thing that came to mind “I spent it wanting something I always had…” St. Peter nodded and opened the gates for me. I was confused but he looked down and smiled “You thought you weren’t going to get in?” when I nodded he spoke again “Well that’s what most think when they spend their life like you did.” he sighed and shooed me though them as tears fell from my eyes at his next words “You spend your life making some one happy.” he smiled and told me to try and remember what was last said to me. I spent months siting in heaven wishing that I could go back to you and ask what you had said last. I walked up to the merciful god and asked for a life back on earth even if I had to spend it in purgatory. He told me I couldn’t have a life down there but I could have one day as a spirit to find what I needed to know. I wept as I looked around the world had come back to me, I was back at my house as if nothing had changed. You looked up and sighed as you started back to your car. I followed and watched as you drove, in the back I saw flowers. You were going on a date? I couldn’t believe it! I was here to find out what you had said to me last and I was about to interrupt a date! I started to cry and open the door prepared to give up what I wanted once more for you, but you stopped the car. why are you going here? this is not…it can’t be…I walked with you to the place you made for me, the stone on the ground carved with a single name, mine…under the name were these word “you died with my name on your lips, you are forever mine in heart” I crumpled and lost it. I cried as I watched you lay those flowers on this stone that only you knew of, your final words to me were spoken once again “You were, and always will be…my greatest happiness…my little one.”