Dear Internet Romance,

So I am going to be totally honest with you. I know that what I am about to say is selfish and not what you are looking to hear from me. I guess I have to write it cause I tried to tell myself that I would say this to you and it just comes out so wrong, or like the last time we talked not at all.

I know you are on your road trip and running away from normal. I don’t know everything about why this was your choice. I would like to I am hoping that someday I will. Not that I am the best listener (after all I am e-mailing this to you becuase I am scared out of my mind. I don’t know why I consistantly do this to myself. I am so stubborn and once I find something that I want, or think I want I find it so hard to let go. I picture myself like a little kid who catches a butterfly and gets all ectixed and runs with it in the palm of her hand so excited to have a beautiful thing that she doesn’t realize that it’s crushed. I wanted things to work out so badly and I got so excited that nothing else seems to matter.

Well we hit a bump. When you told me that you were down at work all I wanted to do was make it better. So there I went running blindly with ideals in mind and no direction (or forethought-which by the way you are the master of). So I spent days sending you jokes. In my defense I was trying to help and it felt helpless you were so far away and I really don’t know you well enough to try to offer the support I wished I could give you. So I ended up showing you that I can obsess… GREAT MOVE (hindsight is so wonderful). So understandabley you deceided that it was not right for us to meet before you left. Good for you, Sucked for me. You did that twice. Still there I was in the wild flowers with my butterfly… smeared in my hand and me still excited to have caught such a wonderful gift (such a lovely crushed thing)…

BIG SIGH

With no idea how to react I waited a few days and then asked you not to call me as much. I remeber you sayin gthat you would cry about this, I told you that I would cal you the next day and tell you that I didn’t mean it, (but I just wanted you to show me that you weren’t pushing me away for good, I was going to wait for you to call, MAN I SUCK). Its amazing that I thought that would help. I just I knew at that point that this (between us) was a poor choice. Maybe imaturity? poor timing? Bad Luck… probably all of the above.

So I went back where I started. I am a slow learner… Special in my own right! Yet still calling you and on and on…

So fast forward if you will please: a few nights out later, some e-mails, phone calls whatever… all the while holding this butterfly in the hand that rests behind my back.

So you see I am stuck. I have tried to shake this… I don’t have the strength to kill the precious creature (that’s you dirty red ) So I freaked out at you (the texts about me crying and such) hoping you would tell me to go away, but not willing to ask you to do so.

Here it is (and its, and its not that I think your perfect, but I think you and I could be the most wonderful thing that ever happened. I am so bad at this stuf it will be a miricle if there is ever someone who has the pacience to understand me again. It’s like the older we get the less wiling we are to give time, everyone is so judgemental. Okay that is off topic.

The point is that I can’t wait for you to call me anymore What is it a month later DUHh GEee Durka Durka Ring Ring Bang! I am going to set you down my little wrinkled up pet that used to have wings. I hope you find flight. I wish you nothing but the best. Most of all I hope that writing this has done two things

Convinced you that I am worth waiting for

Convinced myself that you are not worth waiting for

and then we meeet in the middle.

~D

This is that part where I want to love something so I have to let it go, and if you come back to me YOU ARE MINE and if you don’t… Big Sigh

And before I can finish this publishing, he writes and here I am making myself fo to bed wothout working on my electronic portfolio so that I can resist tha turge to call the man I want to love.

It looks like I will be waiting for a year, to meet “Mr. Wonderful”