There was an odd woman,
who lived in a shoe.
Which, I think you’ll agree,
was a dumb thing to do.
Her husband divorced her.
Her kids ran away.
The shoe smells disgusting.
Why on earth did she stay?

I’m allergic to pencils
allergic to ink,
allergic to markers
and crayons, I think.
I’m allergic to homework,
allergic to rules.
To sum it all up:
I’m allergic to schools.

Don’t drum on the table.
Don’t play with your food.
Don’t talk while you’re chewing;
it’s terribly rude.
Don’t leave the fridge open.
Don’t slam the screen door.
Don’t throw dirty laundry
all over the floor.
Don’t fight with your brother.
Don’t pull the cat’s tail.
Don’t open your big sister’s
personal mail.
Don’t pester your parents.
Don’t stick out your tongue.
Don’t do what your parents did
when they were young.

The way to eat your lunch meat
is to roll it into tubes.
The way to eat your Jell-O
is to jiggle all the cubes.
The way to eat your Swiss cheese
is to nibble it like mice.
The way to eat your water
is to chew the chunks of ice.
The way to eat your doughnut
is to try to save the hole.
The way to eat your ice cream
is to overfill the bowl.
The way to eat your pudding
is to suck it through a straw.
The way to eat your peanuts
is to store them in your jaw.
The way to eat your apple
is to munch it like a hog.
The way to eat your spinach
is to feed it to your dog.
The way to eat your noodles
is in one unending slurp.
The way to end your meal
is with a record-breaking BURP.