We step outside onto the silent street; the air is thick with early morning mist. Everything is still. The air is cold and as I stand on the doorstep I pull my boyfriend towards me, I wrap his arms around my waist before wrapping my coat around us both to keep us warm. The hug is enough to stop me from shivering, my thoughts turn to the next few moments that I know are going to be the hardest. This is after all, the last hug, the final moments in our relationship. I want it to last forever.

Being in my mid – twenties I can not honestly say that I have experienced every type of love that there is, but I do know that this love is a stronger love than I have ever felt before and that I can never imagine feeling again. If there is a love that is stronger than this then I hope I never feel it, for my heartbreak at this moment in time is the worst feeling in the world, anything worse is unimaginable. My heart is pounding; a lump in my throat is choking me. A fear of loneliness has taken over me. I want to hold this man forever.

I push my face hard into his jumper and smell him for the last time, a smell I never want to forget, I am scared that I will forget though.

His arms rubbing up and down my back, so softly and perfectly, every time he touches me its perfect, I am scared of never being touched in such a way ever again.

He whispers the words

“I love you”.

This is enough to fill my eyes with tears; I blink and feel one rolling down my cheek. He kisses me where this tear fell a moment ago and holds me tighter. I am scared that I will never hear these words from him again, and that hearing these words from any other man will never make me as happy as it does hearing them from him.

This is it, the final moment of our relationship, I have so much I want to say, so much I want to hear, so many places on his body I want to touch and hold and look at once more. His rugged yet beautiful face, confident style and unique personality I will no longer share with him.

I get the sudden urge to blurt out the words ‘Don’t go’, they could change the rest of my life, but I am too gutless to say them, scared once again, but this time scared of being rejected. Or does he want me to ask him to stay? If he stayed he would regret it, I know that for certain, he would forever loathe me for making his dream vanish. The dream he has had since childhood. Instead I sob

“I love you; I’ll miss you so much”.

Tears in his eyes break my heart, when will this aching ever stop? I’m almost certain that it will last forever?

I know that I will soon have to try to forget him, but I don’t want to as I don’t want us to end. I will now have to constantly drown myself in meaningless interests that I have in the hope one day I will forget about him for a moment, then in time I will forget about him for an hour or two, until eventually my love for him is no longer the only thing on my mind.

This is it, this is definitely it, he is now going to let me go and turn his back on me. As this thought runs through my mind it happens, he pulls his arms out from inside my coat and I shiver again, noticing the cold air once more. The hairs on my arms I can feel standing upright, so I quickly wrap my coat tighter around myself.

Now, we share our final kiss. warm, soft and gentle, the prefect kiss. I cling onto him once again until I feel the time is right to let him go. A nervous feeling overwhelms me, the funny feeling I have when I see him each day arrive home from work, or when I wake up in the mornings which always makes me smile, mixed with a feeling of loneliness, loss, sadness and heartbreak. I can not help the tears now, they just flow, and I let them just roll down my cheeks, no point in wiping them away, I’ll be crying for sometime.

He turns and begins to walk away, I want to follow him, run after him and hold him once more, but I know that this feeling won’t stop and I will never let him go. I take a deep breath to console myself but I can’t. Over and over in my mind is the thought of me waking up the next morning alone, without him at my side, but it is unimaginable and at this point seems impossible.

My eyes now follow every move he makes; only now I notice the way he walks is so cute, everything about this guy is perfect. I am in love, and the rest of my life seems impossible without him.

It’s a week since the love of my life left me sobbing on the doorstep early hours of that cold morning. It is harder now than the morning that he left me. At first I was able to pretend that he was on a holiday and would be returning shortly with presents, photos and stories of his time away with his friends. But it is not like this at all, the reality is finally kicking in, my lifestyle has had to make some drastic changes and this has made it real to me that he is not coming back. Friend’s and family ask me if I’m ok. That question makes me cry, every time. I wish they would stop asking me. I also wish I could forget about the love of my life for one moment so that I can sleep, eat, concentrate on something else. This is not getting any easier like they say it will in books and magazines. I can feel paranoia kicking in now, he is no longer mine, and I can not question his moves, his feelings, and his sex life. There are a million thoughts and questions running through my head constantly, I write them down in the hope that this will help…… but it doesn’t. Has he forgotten me already? In new surroundings with new people and places, nothing to remind him of me in the way I have constant reminders of him at home. His clothes in my room, his favourite computer game advertised on TV, his football team getting through to the next league. I just hope that every so often, before he goes to sleep, or when he hears a particular song, that he stops and thinks of the good times we shared. After all, it is only memories that we have now, and even though these memories make me upset at times, they are all good memories, and I hope in time I will look back on them and smile and think only happy thoughts.