1)     Some mayonnaises are called salad dressing. Have you EVER put that stuff on your salad? No. It’s for sandwiches. The mayonnaise type of salad dressing has an identity crisis.

2)     What would phones look like if your mouth wasn’t so close to your ear?

3)     Dalmations should be on the police force instead of the fire department. Black & white car – black & white dog. It just makes sense. Fire trucks need something else…maybe a dragon.

4)     What if the church collection plate guy yelled out how much money each person dropped in? “David Anderson – $5. Connie Peterson – a quarter?!”

5)     Know what’s a mess? When you spray lettering on a dry erase board. That swirly crap takes forever to get off there.

6)     Nicolas Cage owned castles. Now he’s broke. Today’s life lesson – practice sound castle management.

7)      Shouldn’t “INsane” mean you’re more sane? They should call it “OUTsane.”

8)     I wish I could TIVO my workday. Morning meeting – fast forward. Birthday cake – rewind. Office idiot spilling coffee on boss – pause.

9)     If people had hooves, the nail polish industry would be very different.

10)  What if house light bulbs were like Christmas light bulbs? One out…all out. Candles would make a comeback.

11)  Who set up the keyboard? Wouldn’t the ABC order be easier? It was probably some guy named “QWERTY.”