If I was an evil overlord, I’d retain my rule by following these simple guidelines.

1. No cat. Every super-villain who has ever had a cat has failed. They are evil, and not in the good way.
2. No “last words” crap for the hero trying to kill me. No doubt the hero can, and will use that time to destroy me. So no last words, just a bullet to the head and the body in an incinerator.
3. I will actually listen to my supervisors. That’s what they’re on my payroll for; it’s what I pay them to do. Not for me to ignore, and inevitably, fail.
4. I will NEVER have a woman try to kill an attractive man. It’s going to fail; she will get seduced by the man and end up against me. God damnit, no! I will hire a crack squad of ninja’s to kill him. No-body would suspect ninja’s, for I am a pirate, and pirates hate ninjas.
5. No last cigarette for the hero, especially if I’ve never seen him smoke. There will be a rocket in the cigarette that will kill me faster than the toxic chemicals in the smoke. Same principle as in number 2 applies.
6. No space stations. It’s going to go wrong. Big floaty thing in space, no need for it, it spells disaster. Fact,
7. I am not going to engage in a last, final battle with the hero. Who cares about my pride, it’s not going to be hurt, because he’s going to die anyway. Instead, I will walk off and let 50 men with machine guns finish him off. Job sorted.
8. No codes hidden away in video games. Do you know how many super-intelligent nerds play those things? I will keep the codes secured in a 5 foot thick safe, guarded by automatic turrets and armed guards.
9. I will not make my presence known too long before I succeed, especially if I have just got out of jail. If I have just gotten out of jail, I will lay low, until they no longer are keeping a close eye on me. Then, and only then, will I strike.
10. Genetically engineered creatures? No-no. They’ll go wrong, too, and slaughter me and all of my men, and eventually destroy my base. Even if they do escape into the world and destroy it, I will not be there to witness it, and where’s the fun in that?
11. No underwater base, either. That’s just as likely to go wrong as the space station, if not more so because under water is easier to get to than space. I shall keep all fortresses above ground, where I can be driven or flown out if trouble arises, which it won’t because I’m too god damn awesome.
12. No internet. Sorry, doesn’t matter how illogical it is, if my computers are all connected to the internet, I will get hacked. I will not use Windows either, I will use Mac OS X. Windows causes the downfall of everything and everyone, regardless of whether they’re innocent or not.
13. I will smoke cigars. That’s just bad ass. Not cigarettes, they taste bad and don’t look as good.
14. I will not do any deals with any ex-CIA agents, or any ex-government employees. That’s just common sense really. They left their own government, or got fired (or are even possibly double agents, which is even worse!), what’s to say they won’t stab me in the back at the last critical moment?
15. I will not do anything in person. That way nobody can frame me until it’s too late.
16. If the hero is in fact a heroine, I will not sleep with her, no matter how hot she is. She will just use me and find some important information which would ultimately lead to my downfall. I wouldn’t even sleep with her and have her killed the next day; she may escape while I am asleep.
17. All my men must prove they are willing to die for me by being led to think they are when are being interviewed. This will part the loyal from the non-loyal, and ensure none of my men will betray me.
18. My own personal army will be incredibly strong minded and strong willed, so in case a Jedi comes, they will not be fooled by the Jedi’s mind tricks, and instead will blow the crap out of him or her
19. My army will have a battle chant. This makes them look threatening, and also bad ass, which every army needs to be.
20. I will not organize any parties for anyone other than my personal staff, because inviting other people will invariably result in the hero/heroine popping in to kill me

There you have it, my top 20 for being a successful evil ruler. If you ever want to become and evil overlord, follow these top 20, and you’ll surely be on the way to success. But, when you do decide to take control of the world, don’t mention my name, and when you start killing everyone, don’t kill me. Or I will sue, for you copying my works.

Merry Christmas, and an evil New Year 