So, while I was on vacation, I decided to take a trip to see the Wizard…

Upon my arrival to the Emerald City, I pulled up, parked and walked up to the gates of the city. The gates were more like elongated doors with slits at different heights for peering through to see who’s there. I had seen what had looked like a solid gold knocker at my height and reached out and knocked on the door a few times – a hollow sound struck through the whole gate with each thump from the knocker.

“I SAY, WHO GOES THERE!” a voice screamed from the top-most slit, with a pair of emerald green eyes peering out.

“I’VE  COME TO SEE THE WIZARD!”

“THE WIZARD? NOBODY SEES THE WIZARD WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM ME!” those green eyes peered down upon me and then from a slit directly in front of me, they appeared.

“What is your business with the Wizard???”

“I’ve come to ask for a new pair of balls!” I replied, with eager excitement in my voice…

“A new pair of BALLS! WHY, NO MAN SHOULD WALK THIS LAND WITHOUT A PAIR OF BALLS! COME IN, COME IN COME IN….”

With those last few words, I heard a set of locks being unlocked, rumbling through out the gates and they began to slowly open for me!

“Here, my friend, take this carriage! It will take you directly to the temple of the Wizard! Surely he will help you get  a new set of BALLS!”

I nodded, smiled and said my thank you, rose upon the carriage seat to where a mightily short, stout man, dressed in a green tapestry for a suit, commanded a purple colored horse to “GIDDY-UP!” and off we went.

We arrived at the temple of the Wizard and I made some more thank-yous as I departed from the carriage and descended upon the stairs to the doors of the temple.

“KNOCK NOT, IF FRIEND YOU ARE. ENTER ONLY AS FRIEND IN NEED” was inscribed into the door of the temple. So, I opened the door, and walked through to a long hallway leading to a wide open chamber. As I walked down the long hallway, the doors slammed shut behind me… “Ah shit…” I whispered to myself.

“WHO GOES THERE!”  I hear from a voice surrounding the chamber, not coming from a direction that i could see.

“I’VE COME TO SEE THE WIZARD! I NEED A NEW PAIR OF BALLS!”

“WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LAST PAIR OF BALLS?” the question rang out in anger all around me as I stepped into the chamber.

I swallowed my pride and answered, “MY WIFE HAS MY LAST PAIR, SHE KEEPS THEM IN HER PURSE AND WON’T LET ME HAVE THEM BACK! SO, I WANTED TO COME TO SEE THE WIZARD TO ASK FOR ANOTHER PAIR!”

Laughter rang out all around me and faded into a single voice from in front of me, as a tiny man, no larger than the tallest of midgets, in a green cloak, more like something that belonged to a hotel window, emerged to meet me.

“AAAAAAHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOUR WIFE HAS YOUR LAST PAIR AND YOU’VE COME TO SEE ME FOR ANOTHER PAIR????”

Astonished at the size of the tiny man in that ridiculous outfit, I held in my laughter and said, “Yes, I’ve come to YOU for another pair. I want a pair of balls that I can keep with me and won’t be giving out this time.”

So, the tiny man halted his laughter, stood in front of me, looked me over up and down and reached into his pocket. After about a half a minute of digging around in his pocket, delight came across his face like a light-bulb went on over his head and he reached out an open hand.

He had presented to me a new pair of balls!!!

I was so excited! I took the pair of balls and examined them quite closely.

“Hmmmmmmmm….” i quietly sounded.

“What’s the matter? don’t like your NEW pair of balls???” he replied.

“No no no! I like them! Except…. I don’t remember them being this small nor do i remember them being this color!”

He looked at me, squinted his eyes, leaned in close to the side of my head and whispered,

“don’t complain, kid, I could have given you a set of black ones…“

- Neo E. Hinton

Sept. 17, 2010