For so long now I had been wandering around, going through life’s travails searching incessantly for something, but in everything that I have gone through, it seems I had been on a journey without direction. So far, it never occurred to me that my life would come to this point, when meaning would be so elusive, when fortune would be too hard to grasp, when the very core of my dignity is trampled upon, and when my faith would falter and offer neither consolation nor solace. I keep myself standing though. Like a good soldier, I continue to hold my ground and keep fighting despite being wounded from side to side, for the sake of survival.

            As I had been saying to myself, perhaps the best reason for living one could have is “meaning”, and that even if he seem to have lost every meaning in life, still another remains, – finding it. It is on this self-made goal that I continue to hold on, and so far, it has also continued to give me the impetus I need, to keep myself going. Maybe, it is just a balm that soothes the surface of the wound, but then, it works at least somehow. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone; to my family nor to the society. That’s why, no matter what, I will go on fending every blow that fate hurls on me alone, for as long and as far as I can. I will keep my misery to myself and take every suffering I have on my own.

            Whenever I look back to the past, I try to see the courses that I had taken before. I try to see what mistakes I made, or how many persons I wronged. I see them as significant parts of my life which I could probably consider as the main contributory factor to what I am into now. But even such introspection seems not to offer any answer to what I seek for. I knew I had my own share of unhappiness and also of youthful joy. I also had my share of wantonness, carefree decisions and immature impulsiveness, but not one could convince me, or perhaps I just fail to see any of them, to be a strong reason why I seem to drift at present and be tossed waywardly by destiny. I had been trying to see somehow, that whatever pains I have today are results of some past misdeeds. It has been easier for me to assume some reasons, even such a Platonic notion, if only to convince myself that to some extent, I have brought all these upon me. Gleaning from everything that I am going through right now, I come to some point when I feel convinced by Schopenhauer on the over-all futility of human existence. No one could blame him anyway, as no one can just question my unhappiness at present, for like him, I too had tasted the abounding negativities around me. Psychology tells us, that all our human experiences form the psyche and personal outlook we develop in our personal life.