Whoever invented rants should go jump into a cage of rabid squirrels. Rabid Squirrels with AIDs. Yea yesterday my friend had a rant about AIDs and somehow it came to involve squirrels. Confused yet?

Rants were meant to be simple emotional valves; you just had to turn on the RANT switch in your head to release pressure, stress, all that good stuff — and YAY no more pressure, stress, and all that good stuff! Those were the quality rants, the rants that your ex screamed, or your fed up boss yelled, or your stoned friend kinda UHHH’ed. That was the sound of my stoned friend going on a rant. UHHH. Usually it involves much less cohesion and much more DUDE’s and sighs of extecy. Extacy. I suck at typing. Especially when its really late at night and i try to write stuff. It fails. As you can tell. Usually i end up going on rants and talking about random stuff. Did i tell you my friend got AIDs? Sucks. What was I talking about?

These days, all the young kids think they can just go rant about anything they want. They abuse the system, ranting about pointless suff no one cares about. I mean, when someone goes on an emotional rant about girlfriends, parents, or crappy jobs, you at least have to PRETEND to care. But rants about cool cars and books that are too long and nails that are too ugly and summer parties that are too short, you dont need to pretend not to care. You dont not need to not pretend not to care. Anyways, you should just straight up not care because these second-hand rants are just straight up not-worth-caring-about. Ranting has become more like a sport. A contest to see who can talk the longest stream of continuous, bubbly nothingness babble about little to nothing and everything all at once all in one sitting (let me catch my breath). Without shooting themselves. I think that should be an olympic sport, just like intense tape measure extending (poor xkcd reference). My reasoning is if speed walking can be a sport, anything can. Seriously. Speedwalking? Just kidding, those people are ridiculous. They have calves as big as my head!

Anyways, i hate rants and you should too.

(Irony. I love it.)