My tribute to Mills & Boon!

Emily stared out of the leaded glass window that framed the rolling fields of Green sleeves Manor so well.  Mistress Emily broke wind with such gusto that the tea cups rattled on the Georgian wooden table. Mrs Green Sleeves entered the room in her flowing blood stained dress and said,

“Emily my darling I’m so sorry I’m late for tea I had a beating to attend to! We caught another poacher don’t you know”

Emily curtseyed and replied sweetly,

“Oh mother I knew you were busy I could hear the screams and the bull whip whistling through the balmy air, its no never mind mother. Are you to come riding today?”

Mrs Green Sleeves gently reply whilst smoothing Emily’s sweet cheek,

“I’m afraid not little one, me and your father have the Lord and Lady Chatterly over for an afternoon of hide the Banana, you go on without me sweet cheeks”

Lady Emily Green Sleeves mounted her stallion, but her father knocked loudly on the leaded glass window, at that Emily got off the stallion and got into the leather saddle,

“Sorry Daddy”

Emily’s favourite stallion ’Hung-Well’ cantered across the beautiful English countryside with the grace of God himself. Emily’s tough but curvaceous frame clung onto Hung-Well’s golden mane. Nearing the edge of ‘long field’ near the babbling brook something jumped out in front of Hung-Well, the stallion froze and Emily was thrown from the saddle and landed with a jolt at the feet of Sir Roger-Du-Charmer III, he said,

“I am at your mercy young lady I truly didn’t mean to startle you, here give me your hand?”

Emily was groggy and said,

“Kind sir that would only leave me with one!”

Sir Roger scooped Emily up in his strong muscled arms, the excitement of the moment shook Emily to her nubile core! Emily gazed into Sir Roger’s eye and said,

“How did you lose you’re eye? Was at the charge of ‘The Light Brigade?”

Sir Roger replied in a deep but caring voice,

“No young nymphet it was in a freak Butterfly hunting expedition to the outer reaches of Manchester!”

Sir Roger was at the mercy of the balmy days heat and his passion for the flatulent Emily. Sir Roger kissed Emily full on the mouth! Emily passed out again, when she awoke she lay on the floor her head was propped on Sir Roger’s jacket. Sir Roger said,

“I’m once again sorry for rendering you unconscious, I have been told my kissing is overpowering!”

Emily blushed like a new born Deer and replied,

“Why no Sir Roger it was you’re breath! What have you been eating?”

Sir Roger thought then said,

“Only my Aunt Chunder’s famous rancid Fox liver and crushed Garlic Pate’”

Emily took out her silk embroidered handkerchief and threw up gently. Sir Roger sat quietly and pensive at the thought of what he must ask! He said,

“May I knock you up tonight sweet Emily?”

Emily kneeled forward and caught Sir Roger cleanly with a left upper cut and said,

“You filthy animal what do You take me for Cyclops! You kiss me with the breath of dead rodents and garlic then presume to impregnate me!”

Sir Roger looked confused (Not for the first time) he replied,

“Why no oh apple of my limited vision. I’m meant only to knock for you at the Manor and take you out for a moon lit walk around your beautiful thicket”

Emily stood to her full 4’2” height and Karate kicked poor Sir Roger in his groin and said,

“There you go again potty mouth! Around my thicket indeed! Anyway I always watch X-Factor on a Saturday it’s the quarter finals. So limp off mono Cornea!”

My almost sincere apologises to any and all Mills & Boring book fans.

Lord Banks