Besides causing me to grow up quickly, the death of my mother caused me to rationalize death a great deal. I was faced with death at a young age and had to look at it in such a way as to make my Mother’s death make sense. That was the only way I could think of to deal with the emotional stress I was feeling, and so death became something that I am now relatively indifferent about. It exists and must exist. Because of this I never mourned my mother in the way most people do. I never got to the end of the steps of grief. The only thing that makes me sad about her death now is that I have no memories of her.

All of this became the foundation for my process of internalizing everything. Any emotion, positive or negative, becomes personalized. It makes me feel more in control and I suppose psychologists would tell you that I feel the need to control due to the fact that my mother died and I could not control that. Whatever the case is, it ends up that everything I encounter becomes personal to me.

My other tendency is to suppress my emotions, so after internalizing things, they become trapped inside. For instance, when I am angry instead of venting my anger I sit and stare at one spot until I have regained control of myself. The same thing happens with any other intense emotions. I suppose some would say that I am somewhat stoic, though that is by no means my goal. I simply do not want others to feel that they need to take care of me, it comes from my strong sense of self-responsibility.

Because of all of this I have often attempted to smile so that those around me think that I am fine, however there are a number of people who are aware that a smile does not mean that I am happy. My father is one of these people though he did not learn this until my first (of two) suicide attempt. After that attempt I stayed for a week in a mental health facility. I started therapy and shortly after that I started taking medication. The medication did little for me though the therapy was something I looked forward to. The second attempt lead to another stay at a different mental health facility. After that I became much better at controlling myself.

My suicide attempts were more from a feeling of weariness than any actual desire to die. I felt as if I was pushing myself too hard (and I probably was) without relaxing. I did not know how to relax or how to stop pushing myself. I just wanted everything to stop and let me breathe for a few days though it was mostly me that pushed myself. I hadn’t realized it at that time but I do now.

It has been about five years since my second attempt and about four years since I stopped therapy. I have friends that I talk to now. I probably don’t talk to as much as I should but it is something good to have. Anyone out there in pain, while talking to people you trust probably will not solve all of your pain, it is a good way to help. Sometimes you get suggestions and sometimes it feels good just to let someone know you are in pain. I cannot say that I am ‘cured’ but I can say that things are much better now. I hope you can find someone to talk to too and I wish you much happiness.