Tungod, Inabanga, Bohol – At an early age, I already had a more than average grasp on matters of faith, particularly my own. My Mama was intent on teaching us God exists. Even my Lola when she was still alive would cut us a deal—-if we join in her evening prayers, she would fill us in with old tales and myths afterwards, which was like a bag of candies for us. Yet, I knew they needed not remind me to pray. I was never religious, but spiritual enough to say my nightly prayers. I would even willingly accompany my Mama in her prayer nights with other members in a religious community she was once part of. I think I read all her spiritual magazines. Somehow, young as I was, I felt drawn to that way of life. I believed and I believe till now there really is a Higher Being. I grew up, though. I experienced life and somewhere along the way, I caught up with the mundane and the not so important and perhaps now, I see the need for someone to remind me to at least count my blessings.

In many ways, life for most of us has never been difficult. Whatever we believe in, however firm our faith has been for years, at some point, we’ll be pushed to allow misgivings. I had been pushed to speculate, wonder and even forget what I have long believed in. I want to think that in my years of contemplative living, I have been primed enough to understand, to not doubt God’s ways no matter how illogical things may seem. But as much as I try to, I failed. Like most of us, I find myself questioning. Why us? Of all people, why me? Why hand me these problems much easier be solved by others?

‘teach me to trust in You with all of my heart .to lean not on my own understanding.’

And He did. Heartbreaking though it was that one’s suffering catalyzed for my trust to be whole again.

Months before today, my family received the painful news that a friend had been diagnosed with cancer. I remember initially not believing that unfortunate piece of information. I knew their family and their kindness is all that was committed to my memory. If I ever had to make a list of people I know who deserve the best of everything, they would without a doubt, be included, even amongst the top. That was one of the many flashes of my life when I questioned Him. Why them? Why them who are kind and have been loyal to You? I was so quick to presume God is unfair, irrational. I am not proud of ever attaching those words to One so great but like I said, I sometimes fail to see beyond the surface. Until one day, my Mama decided to pay a visit in their home and urged me to come with her. I pleaded not going. I can be emotional and I knew my tears are the last thing the family needed. But for some reason I can’t downrightly explain, I went with her. Little did I know it was God’s right time to reveal to me the reasons with which I can account why some things happen to some of us, why some of us fight against battles so hard to win over, why circumstances choose people sometimes.

‘You won’t give me what I can’t bear.’

I have felt courage from people who conquer their fears, from people who loved again despite past hurts, from people who failed but never afraid to risk the nth time. I have met individuals who were once in their position, having had patients with as fatal diseases and felt their strength. But I have never felt so much strength as I have felt having witnessed how her two sons and her husband cared for her. If I were them, I will never even have enough strength to look her in the eye and assure her everything will be okay.

Their immense strength is inspiring, and if I may, overwhelming. I felt sick for even thinking God is unjust. I learned from then on, He always has His reasons. He would never give us things we cannot triumph over. He never would have let them go through such pain if He knew they weren’t strong enough to battle with them and not give in. I know now why cancer chose them, why it had to be them. There is always so much more than my eyes can see, so much more than I choose to see.

‘If we have faith and just believe.’

I suppose if we could engineer such situation to a much bigger scale, I’m sure we’d both think of the national tragic episode of Typhoon Ondoy and Pepeng. Why does a third world country like ours had to be the ultimate victim of its rage? Hard it may sound, but I think from this, I gather even disasters choose people. However, if you have trust God would never mean us harm, there won’t be room for doubts and questions of why these happen. There are things we are yet to understand and I hope that you could see now the answers that are screaming at you. In the face of the government units working for a suitable rehabilitation, in the face of private sectors readily assisting the casualties, in the face of celebrities and volunteers encouraging us to help in any way we can, in forms of sensitive assurances and prayers. I believe we are bound to these struggles because we Filipinos are strong enough to overcome them. We may not have as immediate calamity crises interventions as other developed countries, but we sure have brave and earnest fellow men who are more than willing to save lives other than their own. We are strong enough to win this battle. Have faith in yourself and most importantly, trust Him.

You learn best from experience. Truth is, learning does not always come easy. Sometimes, you learn ever best from tough life encounters, in the most cruel form you could imagine. And I can bet with my life we have learned from all that has happened. I just hope we’ll see what He would want us to see and understand what He meant us to understand. And unless we bear in mind the possibility of a logical reason, unless we open our hearts and hope for the better even in the worst of times, we will never ever get the chance to know and see what more really meant, what really is under the surface. There is always much more than what our eyes can see, much much more than what we choose to see.