I only share with you my experience. I understand I could never fully understand yours. 

These are my journeys of broken relationships

My attempt to identify with those who have endured the breaking of a relationship, the difficulty of emotional abuse, and the lessons we learn the hardest way we could possibly learn them

I too have known something was mistaken

Like a tiny pebble caught in my shoe

I unceasingly resisted

expecting something to alter

dreaming about my own on the go whims

believing that busy was the perfect form of avoidance

Like a game of dodge ball I committed to resisting communication

I told myself things like “it didn’t matter”

And I forgot the reality of normal

I ran from the idea of a sudden parting

Yes the endings I endured were like a long drawn out torturous death

I silenced every whisper of my heart

And promised myself I would find love by what I do (that would make him notice me)

..all the while listening to “she didn’t mean that”, “he didn’t really mean that”

Now looking back I see how silly it was to believe my ignoring the problem would get me loved and sustain the bonds of loving friendships and marriages. But I had already attempted to play doctor, analysing, describing meanings and probing for answers. Their wounds were to great and mine were growing.

Helen Keller said it well..

Image via Wikipedia

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength.

But I didn’t want to be strong. I didn’t want to be faced with my daily dose of “I don’t like who you are”, “I don’t like it when you do that” and “You sound just like her, just like every other woman”..”You really need to do something about that”

I already had 2 parents who left me,who didn’t understand me, who didn’t love me, who didn’t protect me and now there’s you parenting under the guise of “you know whats best for everyone but yourself!”

Threats of leaving fall onto my ice frozen mind that’s already endured more than a lifetime serving of abandonment

I’ve felt the conflict continue on and on

The wearing down of my spirit and the sudden crash into passive aggressive behaviors. How abruptly conflict ends then.

..and those eyes of the one you believe you love return the glance revealing the satisfaction of their attempts to enlighten mistaken people such as myself.

In summary I have learned

Relationships are not role play. Healthy relationships are the interaction of 2 real people who accept each other as they are.

Relationships are not about I will make you feel better if you make me feel better. Good relationships just feel better because they are better.

Something to think about

What is behind your “I love you?”