Cancer thoughts.
I don’t have cancer. Just as a side note. But my friend does. He is terminal. With brain cancer. As a teen. He is the first guy and only guy that I have ever loved. With all of these emotions swirling around, I figured I would start blogging about them. Maybe someone will give me some helpful advice….
This past winter, Jake and I started dating; he was a senior while I was a junior. We dated once in freshman year, but that wasn’t serious. This was. Within two months, I was in love with him, and he was with I. We had such an amazing relationship, and he treated me so perfectly. Loving him just felt so natural, like I was floating. We had our quirks, but I never thought that something would go wrong.
After those two months, things started going downhill. It was in the middle of December, and for our last month of dating, we hardly talked, never hung out, never even kissed. And then he got Mono. Soon he started brushing me aside and ignoring me, though he chose to talk to my best friend. I was so fed up with getting hurt, that I ended our relationship in January (Though he told me he wanted to break up as well).
After breaking up with him, I convinced myself that he lied to me. I believed that he lied to me and never loved me; he only said that to “get some” from me. I thought he had cheated on me, which was how he got Mono (because I never had Mono in my life, and he couldn’t have gotten it from me). At times I thought he lied about the Mono as an excuse not to talk to me.
For the next four months, I hated him. I was so rude to him, and tried my best to treat him like crap, so he would know how I felt. My feelings never left, and it tormented me inside. Anytime I liked someone, the emotions I had for Jake would sprout up. I honestly didn’t care if I never had to talk to him.
And then May came.
It was the day before my opening night of performing the play “RENT” in the community. I was the character Maureen, and was so nervous. It was a Wednesday.
This Wednesday was also the day that my current interest told me that he just wanted to be friends.
Right after getting that talk, Jake texted me: “Hey we need to talk.”
I waited outside for him, and he slowly walked towards me, and pulled me to a quiet corner of the building.
“I’m terminal.”
…Jake has cancer, and only about a year left to live. Emotions are swarming in my head, and I have absolutely no idea what to do.
I’m angry at the fact that he found out in December; the same time I noticed that his behaviour started to change. Had he told me then, I never would have broken up with him, and it would have explained it.
I’m overwhelmed because not only do I have to deal with my feelings, but I am getting a chorus of “It’s going to be okay” from friends, as well as talking to them about how they feel about this.
I’m confused because I love him, and I have never stopped. Yet, I know that the more I get attached, then the more it will hurt in the end. In a matter of minutes, I can go from wanting him to hold me in his arms again to not wanting to have anything more than a distant friendship.
I’m distraught because he will be leaving this summer for a trip, and I am afraid that something will happen to him, and this goodbye would have been the last.
I’m awkwardly relieved because he has never stopped loving me, and that is such a relief to know. I went from hating him extremely to having my feelings come back for him. I can’t explain how good it feels to know that the first and only guy I have ever loved feels the same way back.
I have so many more feelings, but those are the main ones. I just, don’t know what to do. No one has answers, yet none of my friends can relate. I just want to cry sometimes, then other times I want to forget it all. I’ve never had to deal with anyone dying so close to me before, I just don’t know what to do, what to expect, or what to feel.
I plan on writing out blogs every week or so, just to see how my feelings fluctuate about this.
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