In the wild, a bachelor zebra must first kick the shit out of her father before mating with a filly. If the young zebra loses, he is deemed unworthy, if he succeeds, well, there’s no one there to stop him from banging the hell right out of his chosen mare. In a sense this ritual exists in human society, albeit less so now. From a young age, boys are taught to protect women, their sisters, mothers, friends and, more than anything else, their daughters.

I wouldn’t say I’m a “daddy’s girl” really, despite my constant jokes about how “I’m my father’s son”. However, this hasn’t stopped my dad from extending his paternal right to threaten any young man within 30 ft of me. If your father is anything like mine, he never took that “duty” particularly seriously, a fact for which I am actually rather grateful. He’d make a couple small threats at the young male in question, tell me what he thought of him (I’m ashamed to admit his reflections have never been what I’d call “glowing”) and leave it at that. Some of my “uncles” are less forgiving, but that is a tirade for another time. The excuse fathers, uncles, and even older brothers and friends give for their constant threats towards your “mate” vary, but generally follow the “Boys are only after one thing, I would know, I was one” train of thought. While this may be true, and I’m certainly not denying the fact that guys want sex (secret: girls do too), it seems odd that these same fathers and brothers will encourage their sons to go out and “get some”. Despite this double-standard and my general distaste for anything that makes my grandmother go on one of her feminist rants, I have to kind of agree with making some small steps towards censoring mates.

Girls

            So, Daddy doesn’t like your new boyfriend. Clearly this is just some plot to keep you sad forever. He’s trying to destroy your happiness by ruining your one chance for true love. Its horrible, he’s just like Triton from Disney’s “Little Mermaid” always trying to keep you away from your prince. 2 things.

1)      Shut your noise hole you horrible little woman.

2)      Have you tried talking to your dad? Maybe figure out WHY he doesn’t like your boyfriend. While there might be parents out there trying to enslave their children and keep them miserable, I doubt your dad is one of them. Examine the situation, and if your dad brings up any issues, try and figure out where they came from. Remember your dad probably loves you. It’s what they do.

Dads

                        So, your little girl has brought home a boy. CLEARLY he’s slime. If he’s older, he’s just trying to take advantage of your little princess and must die the most slow and painful death possible. Feed him to fire ants while beating him to death with his own severed legs and then put him out on display as a warning to anyone else who might consider tainting your precious daughter. 2 things

1)      The city has laws against displaying human corpses in trees, on fences or in general. No matter how cleverly they are positioned.

2)      Rather than merely attempting to protect your daughter, look at her and remember that she’s growing up. Don’t let prejudice or a savior complex get in the way of her happiness and learning process. If you’ve got a LEGIMATE concern, make it known and treat your daughter, and the moron she came home with, with respect.

And remember people, heartbreak builds character.