Saturday… apparently the cat wasn’t aware of the day of the week today because she woke me at 5 a.m. from a most wonderful dreamjust so I could turn the water on for her. Ha, Ha… yes I spoil her by letting her drink from the running faucet. She purred as I walked behind her into the bath and then turn the faucet to a tiny trickle for her. A sweet “head bump” was her “thanks Mom”. Returning to bed, I slipped easily back into my dream as I dozed a bit more to the sound of the rain outside my window… It felt like it would be a good day.

I do wonder sometimes why things seems to change for no apparent reason. An innocent question requiring only a “yes” or “no”, suddenly almost starts an argument. Instead it brings on silence, not as bad, but definitely not sunshine. We move along, pretending it didn’t happen… again.

Later I drop him off at the airport… he’s on his way for a business trip while I procede to pick up supplys for jewelry I’m making, as well as perscriptions and dropping off paperwork for another side job. I try to plan the route carefully as not to backtrack and use too much gas.

Returning to the house, I feel good, actually. I get Dad his lunch, waking him up in his chair. Then I grab a piece of Greek pizza and a Black & Tan, and start to craft the matching earrings to a necklace I made earlier in the week. I’m happy. An old acquaintance pops up on Yahoo, we chat for a bit, but it quickly turns sexual, so I diffuse the situation and send him on his way. I’m not interested.

The man I want to chat with follows quickly on Yahoo. It’s been a few days since we’ve been able to talk… our connection between countries is not always reliable. He makes me smile immediately, making me forget the loneliness I often feel. We talk for a about two hours, then the connection drops.

Dinnertime is upon me. I feel so good that I think about actually cooking something for the two of us, (Dad and me). I head into the kitchen and glance in on him. He’s dozing again. I should have just walked in and gotten his plate from lunch. But instead I called into him, “Dad? Could you bring your lunch plate into the kitchen please?” In slow motion I watch him pop out of his chair, his legs are still bent as he takes one step towards me. I can tell already he is going down. I scream out, “Dad!” He continues towards me… like a small child learning to walk that just doesn’t have the ability. I hear myself scream out twice more as he’s tumbling toward me, then lands on his knee and his face to the floor. I’m on the floor in front of him, but was unable to stop his fall.

Looking up at me from a seated position, fresh scrape mark on his forhead from the nosepiece of his glasses, he laughs, “That was a doozy.” Yeah… no kidding. It was only five steps from his chair to the countertop. He has a walker. Yeah, that was a doozy all right.

The connection came back for a little more than five minutes. Enough time for him to see me cry from frustration and fright… enough time for him to make me smile again and know it’s not my fault. I’m doing the best I can. I’m not a nurse. I’m not a therapist. I’m not even his daughter.

Right now… I’m doing the best that I can.