There is so much I want to say, have a need to say.. but I don’t always know how to say it. My objective isn’t to hurt anyone.. but then if I don’t say certain things, why should I be left holding the ‘shit’. Would that be productive? Is it even fair?

I try to scrounge words, borrow them, steal them, exchange them.. in a plight to be objective and see from different perspectives. I try hard to use words that are so called ‘politically correct’. I try probably even harder to find words that don’t offend or upset others. And I try to find words that don’t provoke the collective anxiety in me. But its not always the case. Im still obviously learning, and gauging. My aim is merely to help provoke thought in myself and others, to try and somehow turn wrongs into rights, if even in a minute way.. And then sometimes, if I don’t use a strong enough word, it doesn’t give as much power and meaning to stop others and engage their attention.

I hear people say.. ‘there is no rights and wrongs’,’there is no good and bads’.. and I accept the theory behind that. That how we choose to see things and how we choose to feel, is mere choice. But is it really? Perhaps on some levels… But when someone is doing something to you, and you don’t like it, and you don’t have a voice, and you haven’t given your permission… is that good? Is that right? And how can that not manifest resentment, anger and affect all manner of emotions. Even if emotions are learned, they are still real, still valid. If they weren’t real they wouldn’t affect my hormones and chemical levels. 

Sometimes it is not even myself I feel a need to talk for. It is often the ‘child’ in me, and the other children of the world.. As I feel very strongly the indecentcies inflicted on the innocent. My motive being empathy… having walked and felt and known the pain of a child myself. And often, unnecessary pain. And my philosophy is – One child crying in this world, is one too many.

Im angry that many abusers take prime roles in this society, and the abused are often left broken, emotional, scarred and on medications, outcast. I am angry that even my own father stood in a prime position as prison warden, when infact he should have been the prisoner. What an ironic system.

So yes, even though I am starting to flow a little and get some stuff out there, no matter how dyslexic, I feel a small sancturary of perhaps ‘hope’, and release. But it does evoke my anxiety levels because ‘who am I’ to have a voice.. ‘who am I to take a position and stand on what I think is right and wrong”.. but then I think ‘who are those others that dictate and preech, and twist words’.. aren’t I their equal?

The funny thing is, I can think I have dealt with my anger and emotions, only to be travelling along ok, functioning properly.. and then BANG .. another cycle to face and deal with. But I do find more clarity and sense of stronger inner-power each time. And maybe that’s what my lesson in life is ..

But I choose words as my tool of weaponry, rather than violence or destruction.. but I really can understand those that choose the latter. And yes, society is responsible and accountable for each and every person.. in each of us, we make or break each other, not only by our actions, but also because of our inactions. And when someone has reached their ultimate limits, been pushed too far, and persecuted too far – SNAP, BANG! .. and it is no-ones fault, but our own. And whether people release their pain on others or themselves, is not always a choice. It is about survival and the will to survive.