• • Funfair Failure

Me and my family went on a trip to the pier, with their usual assortment of funfair-style rides. My little sister was too short to go on one ride she wanted to go on on her own, but accompanied by an adult over eighteen years. My parents had not bought their all-you-can-ride wristbands, so I had to take her on. As I was only fifteen at the time, I had to lie. Thinking beforehand, I thought of my supposed birth year, not really expecting to have to use it – I had accompanied by sister many times without being asked or even stopped.

But, for some reason, the guy working decided to ask me when I was born, to which I duly replied; “1991.” Obviously, in my stupidity and lack-of-maths talent I had forgotten a poor number. He replied with, “No you’re not.”  I then got a little worried, and said; “Am I not?” and a ten minute argument pursued, with me saying “Yes I am,” while he was going “No you’re not.”

Eventually I gave up, and my little sister did not get her ride after all. And here’s the moral of the story: do your maths, because you will be humiliated in front of a long queue, and it won’t be pleasant.

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  • Swimming Pool Cringe

My little sister was going on her first trip to the pool (yes, the very same featured in the above story), when she was around six. She wore her favourite tankini, and while she was getting into the swimming pool, in France, which was packed with people – our mother noticed a small lump in the back of her bottoms. She thought nothing of it, and they swam for a good half hour. As they were getting out, our mother saw something brown leaking out the back of her bottoms, something which had stained for a while.
Everybody had to get out the pool while the poo was cleaned out. There was many a dirty look passed…our whole family felt as though we were going to melt into the ground.
The moral of this story is….check your daughter’s bottoms for lumps because, nine times out of ten, it won’t be a bunch of flowers.

• Why?! Why?!

It was the first day of term and everybody was getting off the bus. I did my usual waving down the stairs I did, leaning over the rails to stop us falling down the stairs, as we were on the top deck. As everybody was off the bus, I turned around and…there were about five people I hadn’t seen before who were new on this bus, who I hadn’t noticed before. And they were all chuckling to themselves.
Moral of this story is, don’t be stupid on buses. It will bite you on the bottom.